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About Pat G
Expertise
I can help women with the consideration of their decision, and with resources, and I can share my own experiences as the mother of seven and grandmother of six. My approach is to show love and concern, and help women work through the issues, emotional, spiritual, practical. I also help women deal with boyfriend and family issues.
Experience
I have been working with women who are considering abortion for several years. I also work with women who have had abortions. Our family has also experienced adoption, so I can talk about that as well.
Education/Credentials
I am mostly self-taught. I also studied midwifery for awhile. I have spent years doing research on this topic. In fact, I have been doing research and working in this area since the early 1970's. I have been helping women online for a few years, under the guidance of a woman who was formally training in counseling.
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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Women's Health > Abortion > Abortion
Expert: Pat G
Date: 5/3/2008
Subject: Abortion
Question
Hi im 25 and have a 3 year old daughter whose father left me pregnant. Ive been with my boyfrind 7 months and was love first sight but 2 weeks ago he dumped me out the blue. Last week we started trying again and now ive found out im 6 weeks pregnant. He over the moon and so i am but back my mind i keep thinking he going abandon me and I cant cope 2 alone. He joining the army he says now so im going be left alone during most pregnancy and birth. My mum says abortion only answer what should i do Im so confused either way ill lose someone him if get rid and family if keep it.
Answer
Hi, Alison,
First of all, you won't have to cope alone. You can find a crisis pregnancy agency that will help you. To find one, go here:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
Also, you are a lot stronger than you think. Take one day at a time.
Your mum has a lot of nerve telling you to have an abortion. First of all, you're 25, and it's your decision. Make a decision you can live with; follow your heart. Your family will probably become supportive in the end. Most families do. But they need time. Abortion looks like an easy way out. Your mum isn't thinking of all the possible problems. What if you suffer a major complication and can't take care of your 3 year old as a result? Abortion is NOT safe. It could disable or even kill you. For another thing, your emotions will have a tremendous influence on how you react to everything. If you're not absolutely sure you want an abortion, don't do it. You have to live with your decision, and your mum doesn't. Like I said, it is unlikely you will lose your family in the long run. (I have a grandson who was born out of wedlock, and I love him dearly. I also have five other grandchildren, and I don't see any difference between him and them.) And how will it affect your 3 year old? Even if she doesn't find out directly, she will sense something is wrong. You're carrying her sibling. Either she will feel survival guilt, or she will be afraid you'll get rid of her if she doesn't measure up. And how will it affect your ability to be a good mother? And if you really think you can't cope, there is always adoption. If you say you could never do that, this would tell me that you know you will love and cherish your baby and that you will make it work one way or another. Your daughter also is at an age where she can start being a real help. She will be willing to do things like chores, washing and cleaning things, taking care of and entertaining the baby, and so forth. This is the perfect age for this. Give her lots of love and affection, and maintain good discipline. She will be fine.
As far as your boyfriend is concerned, nobody knows how that will work out. I think you're right that if you get an abortion, you will lose him. That usually happens. Whether it will develop into anything permanent remains to be seen. I work with some other women to reach out to women who are trying to decide what to do. In our experience, if the boyfriend doesn't work out, most of the time a woman will have to be on her own for a couple of years, but eventually she finds someone who will cherish her and her children, and they make a good marriage. As long as you make yourself available, this is the most likely thing to happen if you have good support, and the crisis pregnancy agency will provide that. And if your relationship breaks up, you will be available.
Did he break up with you because of the uncertainty that came with learning you're pregnant? Evidently he thought better of it, and you're back together.
I have a son in the Army, so I know what that's all about. And he has a wife and son. I think you'll find that Army wives will also be very supportive. Also, the Army itself will be helpful if this is the child of a member of the armed forces. If not, of course, the Army won't help directly, but I think the Army wives will help.
Marriage is a challenging but very worthwhile thing. If you are both trying, it will require that you work at your relationship. As long as you both WANT to be together, you can make the decision to work at it. Love is not an emotion. It's a decision to cherish someone and put his needs ahead of your own. Have a long talk with your boyfriend, and communicate your hopes and dreams with each other, and the practical issues of how to make it work. Counseling from the crisis pregnancy agency will also help. And try to help him understand that if he abandons you (if it comes up), he will also be abandoning your (his?) baby. I don't think he'll do that. Also, will he make a good dad? You probably already know some of the answer to that question from watching him with your daughter. So if you treat each other with consideration and kindness, you are already a step ahead. We don't know what the future will bring, but there are options. The bad thing about abortion is that it's forever; you can't take it back. Millions of women wish they could. As long as you are carrying, you still have options.
Good luck to you, and stay safe! Feel free to ask more questions any time.
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