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About Pat G
Expertise
I can help women with the consideration of their decision, and with resources, and I can share my own experiences as the mother of seven and grandmother of six. My approach is to show love and concern, and help women work through the issues, emotional, spiritual, practical. I also help women deal with boyfriend and family issues.
Experience
I have been working with women who are considering abortion for several years. I also work with women who have had abortions. Our family has also experienced adoption, so I can talk about that as well.
Education/Credentials
I am mostly self-taught. I also studied midwifery for awhile. I have spent years doing research on this topic. In fact, I have been doing research and working in this area since the early 1970's. I have been helping women online for a few years, under the guidance of a woman who was formally training in counseling.
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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Obstetrics/Gynecology > Abortion > my termination
Abortion - my termination
Expert: Pat G - 9/3/2008
Question
hi, im currently an 18 year old who has just finished a levels and is waiting to move into university. i had an abortion when i was 16. there were lots of reasons for this one being my age, and 2 because i was in a severely violent relationship. i thought i got over it... but recently i found all of my medical papers from the op. at the time i went through the procedure without my parents knowing anything. so it was really hard to deal with morning sickness etc alone. now I'm going off to university and i just seem to feel so angry about everything. remembering all that i went through makes me feel really hurt and alone. i never went through any counseling at the time.. and even now i feel as though I'm making a drama out of nothing. but all the time i just keep reminding myself of how old it would be like now, or next month etc.... i don't know what to do... and I'm curious as to whether it will affect my future fertility.. thank you xx
Answer
Hi, j,
What you are experiencing with your abortion is very common. A lot of women can't even talk about it! They bury it, often even from themselves. Then something triggers a realization, and the world can come crashing down. I call that "being blindsided". In your case, it was your medical papers, but there are lots of other things that can also do that.
They took your baby from you in a violent way. Since you were already in an abusive relationship, that didn't help. And even if nothing else, this disrupted your hormones and is going to have an effect. You had already bonded to your baby. And the doctors were negligent not to give you something for morning sickness. I am appalled at the number of doctors who will just let you suffer. People also often underestimate their parents. Parents have as much right to be upset as you did. But in the long run, the vast majority of parents are supportive. And don't discount the role the father played in your decision. Don't take the blame for his actions. Also, don't blame yourself for his abusiveness. A lot of women do, and that's part of the dynamic of abuse. That's how abusive men entrap women.
Emotional and spiritual healing IS possible.
My experience has been that most women can reach a point of equilibrium. It doesn't solve the basic problem, but at least they can live with it. And regardless, a woman will never forget her baby, but she can come to rest in the peace that comes from knowing her baby is in heaven and experiencing perfect joy. In my further experience, the ones who healed emotionally and spiritually are the ones who sought God. God is ready to forgive. He already paid the price for your actions. All you have to do is ask, and believe in God's gift of forgiveness. Many religions say you have to DO something to get right with God, but that just gets a person into a circular trap. The God I believe in not only forgives, but makes someone into a new person. This is something we can talk about. I don't know anything about your religion, because you didn't mention it, but it may be something we should discuss.
There are two things you can do. You don't have to choose one of them; you can do both.
The first is that you can join discussion groups for women who have experienced abortion. This can get you to the point of equilibrium. The discussion groups are here:
http://www.afterabortion.com/
This web site is run by a woman who favors legal abortion. She has had five abortions herself. But politics is a topic you may not discuss there. She has a lot of good information on post abortion stress syndrome as well.
You can also find information on PASS here:
http://www.afterabortion.org/
The other thing you can do is find a crisis pregnancy agency near you. Most of these have post-abortion programs that help with emotional and spiritual healing. Usually, these are run by women who have experienced abortion, and are emotionally and spiritually healed.
Since you are in England, I don't know how complete the listings are. But it is worth a try, and you can also get online counseling. Here is the link:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
Good luck. Feel free to write back any time. If you would like to have a long-term conversation with me, send me your email address in a PRIVATE message, and I will contact you.
Hugs!
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