Expert: Pat G - 11/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: So i found out that i was pregnant; i'm about 17 weeks pregnant now and i'm 21, my boyfriend is 33. i'm still in school and he is working full time.

i'm really confused i don't know if i should get an abortion or not. i am already so far along so i don't have much time to consider this.

we have tried to go for an abortion 5 times and all five times i just couldn't do it. i felt so guilty and i know i would have just hated myself if i got it done. at first my boyfriend wanted me to get it done but wouldn't say so; he would prefer that i would do something that i could life with.

He doesn't really want any children; had never thought of having children before and i know that by me wanting to keep it, i am hurting him so much he is so sad and confused and ultimately becoming more and more distant with me. He said that he would always support my decision and would be there for his child but sometimes i really doubt him. One minute he is getting excited and attached to the idea of having a baby the next he says that he wants nothing to do with us and to just send the bills in the mail. One minute he says that he loves me and that we will work everything out and be ok and then the next he says that i am trapping him into a relationship and that if i wasn't pregnant we wouldn't be together.

i know i can't raise a child on my own or even go through the pregnancy on my own without him but i know that if i got an abortion done i would hate myself for it and regret it everyday. But if i got the abortion a lot of people would be more comfortable with my decision and i wouldn't have to take a year off school

what should i do?
how can i help my boyfriend as well. i know that he is just really scared and doesn't know how to handle the situation.



ANSWER: Hello, Elle,

You are so far along that it would be VERY dangerous to have an abortion. And it is very unlikely you'd keep your boyfriend if you did have an abortion. Clearly, you don't want one.

Your boyfriend is hurting YOU. He isn't willing to make a commitment to cherish you both. He doesn't have any right even to consider you having an abortion. It's not his decision. If you did have one because that's what he "wanted", you would undoubtedly break up with him. You wouldn't want to BE with him anymore.

He CHOSE to have sex with you. He took the risk. Now, you HAVE a baby, and he isn't willing to give you the support you deserve.

Give him time. A lot of guys won't really accept the baby until the birth. And you are a lot stronger than you think. You CAN do it. Truly. As for being in school, well, I went through school with a pregnancy, and with children. My older daughter was born in the middle of the semester, and I took a week off (my choice) and aced my courses. By the time I got my degree, I had four children, three of them preschoolers.

It's not really about other people. It's about you and what you can live with. And no, you wouldn't necessarily have to take a year off school. I didn't. But you might choose to, and that's OK. As for how you can help your boyfriend, let him sort it out. He may think he can walk away from the situation, but obviously, you can't. And a lot of guys regret abortion afterwards, too.

For the help you need to make your dreams possible, you should find an organization that offers help to pregnant women. Go here:

http://www.heartbeatinternational.org/worldwide_directory.asp

There are 286 on multiple pages. Click on "Details" for contact information. These organizations provide counseling, help with finances and medical care, supplies for the baby, and help with adoption.

So if you don't want an abortion, don't have one! Just because you think you would be helping him is not a good enough reason. This is his child, too. He or she is the product of your love. Tell your boyfriend that you expect and need for him to be supportive. Tell him you won't get an abortion, and your mind is made up. He may react at first, but he will accept it. He will still have to decide what he wants to do, but he should stop providing the subtle pressure you are feeling now. If he says anything negative, just tell him that you won't discuss it when he is in that kind of mood. If he persists, walk out of the room. He probably won't. But if he follows you, tell him you are leaving the room and he should not follow you.

He can also get counseling at one of these organizations, and you can get counseling on how to handle him.

I will be here for you; come and ask a question any time you need to let off steam. I look forward to seeing a picture of your precious baby! Please take care of both of you, and keep in touch.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Its not really a question but i just wanted to say thank you, you have been a lot of help.

last week i got to listen to its heart beat and it was amazing and i finally realized that i couldn't go through with an abortion because this was our little person that was created because we loved each other; it was the embodiment of all our good times and happiness.

He is starting to come around; i finally told him how his actions and words were affecting me and that i didn't think he loved me (us) anymore and that it might be best if we had some time away from each other. But he told me he loved me (us) but that he was just having a hard time with the idea of a child and that he was beyond scared and confused. He thinks that he will be a horrible dad just like his father and thats why he never wanted to have children because of how his father was to him. And he is scared that he won't be able to support a family (me and the baby).

Thanks for the advice, i am giving him the space he needs to come to terms with the idea of a baby even though we are still spending alot of time together, but i don't bring up the issue constantly, i wait for him to bring it up because he is more comfortable with it and WANTS to talk about it.   

I know that he is going to be there for us, but that he just needs the time to come to terms with the situation. As much as he doesn't know it but he is already very protective of the baby and often thinks of its "needs" first.

I get to find out the sex of the baby (hopefully) next week! :)

Answer
Hi, Elle,

You're welcome! And congratulations!

Your partner will have several months to grow into the role of father. He doesn't need to repeat what was done to him, and if he makes up his mind that he won't, that could be a huge turning point. I know a family with five boys and two girls, and every one of the boys has been an excellent father, and the husband of one of the girls is also an excellent father, which surprised the heck out of me! That was in spite of the fact that the family's father had some significant problems (because his father did, and because he was an only child). The truth is, if it were a "death sentence" to have a bad father, then there wouldn't BE any decent fathers, because there have been abusive fathers in everyone's past.

Your partner has seen what is undesirable. If you can discuss it and analyze what it is his father did wrong, and if he will agree to a signal between you whenever he starts to drift in that direction, it may help a great deal. Also, he can get some counseling at the organization near you. He should take one day at a time. If he can make it through today, he has it made.

To begin with what babies need is touching: holding, stroking, hugging, that sort of thing. Soft words, loving words. If you can breastfeed, then that will be very good for your baby. The father should nourish the mother emotionally, and if he is willing to do that, then the mother, in turn, can nourish the baby better as well. When the baby gets a little older, playing with him or her is good.

Establish good discipline. Let the child know clearly what the rules are. Keep them simple. Childproof your home, so that there is less temptation. You can try various methods of discipline when needed (probably about the time the child starts to walk), but if nothing else works, don't rule out corporal punishment; some children just require that. But a stern voice when needed is helpful. The better the discipline, the easier it will be to love your baby, because he or she won't be trying your patience all the time. Don't try to keep the baby from never experiencing conflict, whether it is simply observing conflict in others, because the baby can learn to tell how to resolve personal differences. Don't indulge your baby. Provide interesting and stimulating things to do. Don't let the TV babysit him or her. Talk to your baby a lot, starting now.

Here is a good link on how babies are growing and learning in the womb, and other informative material:

http://birthpsychology.org/birth_psych_bulletin.html

Tell him that you'd like to be a complete family, totally bonded, totally cherishing each other. Babies do best when their parents are in a loving marriage. Obviously, you can't pop the question or anything, but you can certainly start to talk about how best to bond with and cherish each other. Maybe he isn't your perfect dream candidate, but the truth is, there is no such thing. Marriage takes work. But the rewards are also very great. We have been married for 44 years, and it just keeps getting sweeter.

As for being able to support you both, if you are in the same household, this will help. Also, the organization I mentioned can help you with financial issues, and medical care. And the truth is, being able to support a family is pretty iffy for most folks, but they make it somehow. We had long periods of time with no income at all, and that was a problem, and we borrowed money. But in the long run, it worked out, and nobody ever went hungry or without clothing or anything. We were even able to barter for music lessons and other kinds of lessons. As long as he works hard, tries to increase his skills, and so forth, you may experience hard times sometimes, but you will be OK. We humans are a perverse species; we need a certain amount of adversity to truly thrive. So take heart. You can do it; it will be a challenge and a wonderful growing experience; raising children can be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do, and if at all possible, also give your child a sibling. It will make a world of difference.

Good luck. Keep in touch.