Expert: Pat G - 12/15/2009

Question
QUESTION: Since my abortion 5 days ago my sex drive is crazy. I can't help myself around my boyfriend. We had sex but there was little bleeding and no pain.and we didn't use protection.  We didn't get the chance to finish because we got worried about infections. What r the chances of me getting sick or worst pregnant again? Also he wanted to have oral sex but I told him no. Is it safe to have anal sex?

ANSWER: Hi, Devon,

First of all, you CAN help yourself. Just don't do it. Stay out of a situation where it would be tempting; don't be alone with him in a private place. There is a danger of infection this soon after your abortion. You probably won't get pregnant from what you did the last five days. However, obviously, you can get pregnant again very soon if you continue to do this.

Your sex drive may be a result of the fact that the abortion very much disrupted your hormones, and there may be an unconscious desire to replace your baby.

I wouldn't want to have oral sex, either. The very thought disgusts me. And you can get mouth cancer and sexually transmitted diseases from oral sex. Anal sex is very dangerous. It can result in infections of all sorts, including in your abdomen where there is no blood supply, so your body has no way to fight the infection. Your anus is designed to help you absorb material, so it is very easy to get an infection for this reason alone. This includes HIV, by the way, and could get E. coli into your body. The intestines are supposed to have E. coli, but not your blood stream. Not only that, but anal sex damages the rectum and can lead to bowel incontinence. And he will come close to the opening to your vagina, where, if he leaves any fluid at all, you could get pregnant again. It's not common, but it does happen.

You deserve better than what you are involved in right now. You deserve a man who will cherish you and not put you at risk. You deserve a relationship where you can wait until it is possible to explore the deeper meaning of sex. You deserve better than abortion. Please take care of yourself, and give some serious thought to the risks you are taking. Let me know how you do.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for ur advise. But its hard to tell my boyfriend no. Because he don't know I had an abortion. If I told him I got rid of his baby his first baby he would be so upset and would try to kill me. He knows my period is like clock work and I lied to him about having it 2weeks ago so now he thinks my period is gone. He's a loving person but I can't break his heart about getting rid of his baby. So that's why its kinda hard to tell him no. Please Please help me  

Answer
Hi, Devon,

I can certainly understand your concern about him finding out you had an abortion. That's huge. You might want to seek some counseling about that. You can find an organization that will counsel you, which is near you, by going here:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

They do post-abortion counseling. They should be able to help you work through the issues.

That said, I have some other thoughts about telling your boyfriend no. To begin with, he shouldn't even have asked you to have sex when you first started, or consented if you are the one who suggested it. You two aren't married. Sex before marriage causes all kinds of problems, especially emotional ones, and as you found out, also pregnancy you weren't ready to deal with. If he truly loves you and cherishes you, he wouldn't have put you at risk. Now I'm sure he thinks he does love you, and on some level, that's probably true. However, it is his responsibility to cherish and protect you, and clearly he didn't do that. It is probably perfectly reasonable to tell him you are conflicted about having sex because you're not married. Obviously, it would be difficult to impossible for you to propose to him. You know whether or not your relationship might develop into marriage. If you two have no plans to marry, or if you don't think he would make a good husband or father, then sex is very unwise. It could get you right back where you are now, or were before you had the abortion. In addition, and this is very important, sex has a deeper meaning, and almost always, two people who aren't married never get there. They never learn about the deeper meaning. And a woman has an instinct to hold back to some extent unless there is a commitment. Merely having a boyfriend doesn't represent any kind of commitment. You may find pleasure in sex; I can't say. But I would be surprised if you have reached any deeper level with it. And for the woman, the deeper level is even more important than it is for the man. If you were to tell him that you have reached the conclusion that you should wait and not have sex until you are married, starting at this time, how would he react?

Men don't react to sex the way women do. This is partly because women have hormones that activate when they have sex. This causes bonding. Women tend to cherish the man even when it's not warranted. Men, on the other hand, have no such hormones. For them, cherishing is strictly a decision. Men are attracted visually to women, and feel erotic love. This is not the same thing as the self-sacrificing love involved when a man cherishes his wife. Most men feel free to abandon a woman if things go sour. And women often interpret what they say in the light of how they feel as women, rather than realizing that for men it's different. That's why there needs to be a public commitment. That's what getting married is all about: making a commitment before witnesses. So it's common for a woman to overestimate how the man really feels. As long as the woman is cooperative, the man can treat her well. But if she does anything at all that goes against what the man wants, it can cause problems. Only you can tell whether or not he's loving you as a fair weather lover. Usually, a man will be kind to a woman as long as she is willing to submit and sleep with him. But to find out what he's really made of, expecting him to show that he cherishes her is entirely reasonable. This is what you need to find out.

So I encourage you to think through these issues. Give some serious thought to what you want in a husband and father, and decide whether the current situation is in your best interests. Then talk to him, and see what kind of reaction you get. If he isn't willing to respect you enough to let you wait on more sex, then it's time to consider letting him go. If he is willing to respect you and let you wait, then you may have found a keeper.

I hope this makes sense. But whatever you do, give this some serious thought, and see where you go from here. But don't take any more chances. You wouldn't want to be in a position where you are faced with a decision about pregnancy again. Please take care of yourself, and keep in touch.