Expert: Pat G - 9/14/2009

Question
yes im 10 weeks and i want to get an abortion. why b/c i have this feeling inside of me thats telling me that the baby isnt my boyfriends. During the week that i had sex, i had sex with two men within the same week of conception. Now dont get me wrong but i would LOVE to keep it if only i didnt have this bad feeling and my boyfriend wants me to keep it. So now im stuck between a hard rock and a hard rock. my family wants me to keep it evan though i told my mother about my sittuation and she tells me that she doesnt have any "mothers feeling" about the baby being the other guys and that its my boyfriends. im very close to getting an abortion and lying to my boyfriend and telling him that i had BV or something just so he wont be upset. Now my question is...if i got an abortion could i get pregnant 3 weeks after? b/c i really want to have baby.

Answer
Hi, jasmine,

If you don't want to have an abortion, don't have one!

Is it your baby's fault if his or her father is the wrong person? Of course not! Don't punish your baby for something that isn't your baby's fault. You only have a boyfriend. There is no commitment there, so you didn't betray him by sleeping with someone else. If he wants you exclusively to himself, he needs to marry you! Otherwise, he has no claim on your total allegiance.

What if the baby IS your boyfriend's, and you have an abortion?

Take a look at this page on BV:

http://www.cdc.gov/STD/BV/STDFact-Bacterial-Vaginosis.htm

Do you really think you can lie to your boyfriend about this without consequences?

Now let's look at the issue of your boyfriend being the "father" of a baby that's not his. This is ONLY an issue if you seek child support and he is unwilling. Then a paternity test might be required, and it might reveal he's not the father. But it is quite common for a man to raise "someone else's" child. My husband raised two. We adopted them. They carry our last name. We have a daughter whose husband is also raising two adopted children. And there are other family instances. You have blended families, for example. And a lot of women I work with in reaching out to pregnant ladies had a baby and then got married to someone not the father. In some cases, the husband will formally adopt the child. The question I would ask is whether or not your boyfriend is truly worthy of you. If so, he will cherish you AND your children. He will cherish you too much to want to see you take the risk of having an abortion. Abortion can kill you or cause you serious disability. It can also cause damage to your future children. It would be foolish to have an abortion to try to have a different baby! And you may be unable ever to conceive again. If he would be willing to abandon you to this kind of risk just because the baby isn't his, then you deserve someone better. One more thing. If you DO have an abortion, you will probably break up with your boyfriend.

Do you need to tell him anything right now? I wouldn't even speculate, to be honest. Just go with your need to protect your baby, and follow your heart. Don't worry about who the father is. This is your baby, and we KNOW who the MOTHER is. You may be able to have an abortion, and remove your baby from your body, but you will never remove your baby from your heart. In fact, your baby has been sending stem cells into your bloodstream all this time, and some of them have taken up permanent residence in your brain. You are permanently bonded to your baby. Abortion will cause your baby excruciating pain. (And yes, a baby tries to avoid the abortion, so we KNOW the baby is aware, and is afraid or in pain during an abortion.) A baby releases a lot more stem cells during abortion or birth. Imagine if the stem cells have the chemicals of pain in them, and they go to your brain. On a subliminal level, you will be aware. Can you really do this? Do you have it in your heart?

Your baby is already fully formed, just still quite small.

Please take care of your baby. Let me know how things turn out.