Expert: Pat G - 9/10/2009

Question
I was coerced into my abortion 1.5 years ago. My partner was 47 and I was 44 at the time. There was so much pressure from my adult children and my parents to terminate the pregnancy. I wanted to keep the baby so much and my partner said it would ruin his life.
At the time of the abortion I did alot to push my partner away but he also abandoned me during the hospital abortion and when I hemmoraged 3 weeks after the abortion and spent Mother's Day in hospital. He later told me that I could have kept the baby if I really wanted to. I resent his cowardice and can't accept his apologies and mistakes.
I have attended counseling for a significant period of time and felt that I was moving forward and healing until the last 5 weeks. I am reliving the abortion, getting flashbacks and images of my baby during the ultrasound.
I love my partner he has many good qualities but I hate him intensely by times. I can't make up my mind if it's time to go or time to heal together.
Can relationships truly heal after abortion is coerced??


Answer
Hello, Joy,

Offhand, I don't know why you would want to stay with a partner who would tell you that your pregnancy would ruin his life! (He was using you for his own gratification, not truly cherishing you.) And who abandoned you when you had a serious complication. So he abandoned both you and his child. Of course, you resent him. But it is understandable that you are bonded with him, because a woman experiences hormones during sex that cause bonding.

It is not uncommon for a woman to have the experiences you are having, even after feeling that she is moving forward toward healing. Certain things can trigger this. The anniversary of the abortion, or of the due date, is one. Seeing or hearing something such as a picture in a biological textbook, a movie, a chance conversation, seeing a baby in public, or a billboard, or a good many other things, can cause this. You will never forget your baby, but it does get easier with time.

I'll just tell you how I would react. If my partner so much as hinted I should get an abortion, I'd show him the door! But if I wasn't married, it wouldn't have happened in the first place. But that's just me. I once showed a man the door when he slapped me on the rump for refusing to kiss him on our third date. I don't expect you to view things in the same way, but I felt it might be helpful for you to know where I am coming from.

You deserve someone who will cherish you AND any children. But at the same time, we are all flawed, so you won't find the perfect person. It just depends on how much you are willing to put up with.

It is rare for a relationship to heal after an abortion. About 90% of them break up, especially when the couple isn't married. You should do two things, in my opinion. One is that you should forgive your partner for the role he played, and his current behavior. Forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a choice. It is the choice to accept the hurt and not hold it against the person who wronged you, and not to strike back. You won't want to forgive. But lack of forgiveness does threaten your relationship. It also will interfere with your healing. Forgiving does NOT mean that you have to stay with him, however. Also, keep in mind that you probably won't be able to get him to see your perspective, and it's probably useless to try. He may be suffering himself, but men react to this differently from women. For one thing, they tend not to talk about it. Healing programs for men are still very much in their infancy. The other thing you should do is assess the relationship and see if you truly want to stay with him. Obviously, the best relationship is one where you don't have any kinds of overwhelming resentments. And if he is abusive in any other way, that is also a warning signal, and quite a few men who manipulate women into abortion are usually abusive in other ways. And like I said, don't count on his cooperation. He should be willing to go to counseling himself, to learn how to help you heal, but it would surprise me if he agreed to do that. If you want a man who doesn't have this kind of baggage with you, it's time to let go. And yes, it will be painful, and it will add to the pain you are experiencing. But again, it does get easier. Take one day at a time. But the final decision really has to be up to you.

Please let me know how things go.