Expert: Pat G - 1/13/2010

Question
I recently had an abortion at 12 weeks gestation. I would've done it sooner but we only found out last week after positive home pregnancy tests.
The reason I didn't suspect so earlier even though my periods didn't come for 2 months was cos I was diagnosed with high-level typhoid and upper respiratory infection. Cos of that my doctor said its normal to miss a period or two. Plus all the symptoms like tiredness, headaches, weakness etc were attributed to the disease and the strong antibiotics.
My Ob-Gyn was very helpful and also confirmed that even if I had decided to keep the baby, she would've suggested termination cos the strong medical doses I took for the past 2 months had affected the baby's regular development and she could foresee problems.
Anyways, my question is that I do not feel grief or a sense of loss now. I cried and felt guilty before the procedure but now I just feel relief. I infact feel stronger for having lived through my biggest nightmare. Also I think cos I never realised I was pregnant up until 5 days before the procedure and never saw an Ultrasound scan, I did not develop maternal instincts or feelings towards the foetus. Don't get me wrong, I love kids... I dote on my young niece but now I feel terrible for not having the kind of reactions most seem to deem normal after such a traumatic procedure. Am I in denial? Is it wrong to feel this way?
I do want to have a child a few years from now, when I am ready and I can nurture and love the baby like no other... But now was just not the right time.

Answer
Dear Ms,

Please send me a private message. What I need to tell you may not be good for other women here, because I will be very open and honest with you, and tell you things other women may not be ready for. Just know that I care about you, and I will talk to you as gently as I can. Take care.

PS
Hello, Ms,

I saw that you read my message, but you didn't respond, so I have been concerned. Please know that I won't hurt you in any way. I try to avoid discussing the question of how women react to abortion, in public, because there is something called "being blindsided", at least that's what I call it. Yes, it is likely that you are in denial, and feeling relief afterwards is actually common. But when a woman is in denial, as a lot of women are, any little thing could set off a reaction. It can be a picture, a conversation, a movie, seeing a pregnant woman or a baby, the anniversary of the abortion, the baby's due date, or a medical textbook. This event is said to be "triggering". This is why I try to be very careful. It's why I asked you to send me a private message. Please be aware that you can also be blindsided, so I have described it to you.

I don't think you should feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It is common, as I have said.

If you will write privately, I will tell you more. Please take care.