Expert: Pat G - 3/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: I am 23-24 weeks pregnant facing abortion tomorrow! I've thought about stalling but then I may not be able to have one at all. I'm ashamed, hurt, and embarassed. To put it all out there I'm 27 w/boyfriend (he's 32, good
Dad with 3 kids he provides 4...3 diff moms. Has the kids every other weekend). I've been out of work with no real job prospects for almost a year now (northern ca resident), no unemployment, no degree. He works hard but his income is minimal. I have my own place with roomates but have been staying with him. To the point: after finding out I was pregnant I applied for emergency medi-cal b/c we couldn't afford surgical abortion. We were together previously for over two years and I has two abortions then in the first trimester. Felt some guilt some envy towards his relationship with his kids (2 at that time) but mostly relief. Fast forward 4 years (we broke up for three been back together for a year). So costs are covered and appointments are finally made but I can feel this baby kicking and I've grown increasingly attached! I am guilty of smoking marijuana daily, taking shots several times a week (not drunk), even took ecstasy a couple times, not to mention prescription strength ibuprofen for abcess tooth and cramps. We decided based on the substance abuse not to have the baby. This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make. Still hoping maybe they'll turn me away. I've had no luck in getting prenatal testing with this county insurance. I wanted to atleast get testing and find out if this baby has a chance. He's shown no interest in doing that. He's consoled me but I'm sure he just wants this over with. He can't afford 4 kids that's his main concern. His oldest had brain surgery or something after he was born. Still has the scar and can't play contact sports. there were so many reasons I wanted this abortion just don't even matter to me anymore. My parents were married. Wanted the same for my child, a career for myself. No matter what he says nowadays as a woman I know u gotta be ready to do it alone. Didn't wanna be the fourth baby mama! Raise my kid on welfare? Ruin our relationship with a baby that might be sick deformed that neither of us can afford. Didn't want him to resent me and leave us. I was with my dad everyday he raised me and even though that's not the case for him and his kids I want it for mine regardless. But I want this baby so bad I don't care about all that right now.
I keep thinking 'how can u walk in this place and let them kill my baby?' I'm 6 months! Do I lie to him and gamble with that? Test him basically? He's not gonna do this willingly not after 4 months of planning an abortion. Are my emotions getting the best of me? Seems easier to brave the storm and try to heal afterwards given the uncertainty but right now I wish I would get hit by a car and die. I think I'd resent him if I do this.

ANSWER: Hello, Joz,

My heart goes out to you. This will be difficult no matter what you choose. If you carry your baby, you will be worried about whether he is all right. But that said, you clearly do not want an abortion. So don't have one! Also, please be aware that abortion would be very dangerous at this stage, and given what you have told me, I think the emotional consequences would be so severe that you might even harm yourself. Your relationship would probably not survive, either.

I can't guarantee your baby will be all right. But I want to tell you a story. Someone I know very well had a foster daughter who got pregnant. She was on every kind of drug imaginable. She was in and out of prison because of her drug use and other activities. When the baby was born, the woman turned custody of him over to my friend, because she was in prison. He was born addicted. It was rough for a few months while he went through withdrawal. He would cry inconsolably. My friend discovered that if she took him outside and let him look at the stars, he would calm down. (I suspect swaddling him might also have helped.)  My friend has three other women in her household, and they all lavished unconditional love on him. After a few months, he was doing very well. It looked like he might have slight trouble with one of his fingers, but there was no other damage, and now he is a completely normal student in school! Not only that, but he has been able to do taekwondo, where he is doing excellently. Eventually, my friend adopted him. You see, even though there may be difficulties, there is hope! You could easily abort a baby who is normal!

Here's what I suggest you do. Find an organization in your area that reaches out to pregnant women. They can put you in touch with a doctor who will work with you. And I suspect MediCal would also pay for care for your baby if necessary. They offer many free services, including medical care, supplies, clothing, and furniture for a baby, help with financial issues, and so forth. You can find one by going here:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

You can, at this stage, get the help you need to discontinue the drugs for your baby's sake, and if you do it now, he will go through most of the problems before he is born, and be much better by the time of birth. There are ways to deal with the withdrawal problems. In addition to what medicine may offer, there are also natural remedies for detoxifying, and I can research those. I already know of some. There are also things you can do to help his brain if there is a problem there, and I can talk about that as well. There is so much you can do to help! Truly.

I can't guarantee the outcome if you do this, but I can guarantee that you will suffer emotional anguish if you go through with an abortion tomorrow. Don't let them take your baby away from you!

If at the time of birth, the problems look greater than you feel you can handle, there are actually adoptive parents who have asked to adopt a baby with these kinds of difficulties. So please keep this in mind as well.

Please don't do this! Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect him and yourself, and keep in touch and let me know how you do. I will be here for you no matter what.

PS

Hello, Joz,

Thank you for your wonderful words and the rating. Please know that you don't have to do this. Go and talk to the folks at your local organization. You owe yourself and your baby that much. If you have to wait a few days to have an abortion if that's what you decide to do, then at least you have had time to think about it and hear other answers. Many of these organizations have ultrasound, so they can check on your baby and at least be aware of some potential problems, if there are any.

Think of it this way. If you had a two year old with a disability, what would you do? This baby is no less your child than a two year old would be.

I am praying for all of you.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am 99% sure I'm walkin out of this clinic today. Guess I'm hoping for divine intervention like maybe they'll tell me I am too far along. I thought in California u can only perform abortions up to 24 weeks. But I'm hoping they can give me some information about the baby. Give me some hope that this baby could survive and recover. As for your last message I would greatly appreciate any advice as far as how I can go about getting medical attention for the baby and about supplements or  nutrients that could help. Hoping the doctors will give me information too because at this point all I know is to take folic acid and get omega-3 fatty acids. I want to be informed. At this point you've been more helpful than any person I've come in contact with. I know my boyfriend cares he's just overwhelmed. And I'm confident he'll be there for my child. And if not I'll be joining the ranks of all the single mothers. I just hope it's healthy. As far as the drug use I admit I smoke weed regularly  but the x was something I just tried and will never use again pregnant or not. I don't need rehab or anything for weed I just kept smoking (I have for like 10 years) because I didn't plan on having it and it eased my stomach. I'm in the SF Bay Area if that helps as far as locating resources. Don't know how I'm gonna pull this off but THANK U for all the support!

Answer
Hello, Joz,

You are very, very welcome!

I would strongly recommend you not even walk into the clinic. They will try to get you to abort, and they'll pull every trick in the book. They'll try to make you afraid.

I will have to do some research about supplements and nutrients. But we can continue to talk about this.

There are several organizations in your area that can help you:

     Organization:    Alpha Pregnancy Center
     Address:    5070 Mission St
     San Francisco, CA  94112-3426
     Phone:    415-584-6800

     Organization:    Birthright
     Address:    735 El Camino Del Mar
     San Francisco, CA  94121-1015
     Phone:    415-664-9909
     Services:    Pregnancy Support

     Organization:    Catholic Charities
     Address:    810 Avenue D
     San Francisco, CA  94130
     Phone:    800-227-3002
     Services:    Social Services

     Organization:    First Resort
     Address:    450 Sutter St, Ste 1740
     San Francisco, CA  94108
     Phone:    415-627-9175
     Services:    Some Medical Services

     Organization:    Queen of Peace Women's Shelter
     Address:    55 Sadowa St
     San Francisco, CA  94112
     Phone:    415-586-3449
     Services:    Housing

There may be others, in nearby towns. You can check with the ones here, and ask them for a referral closer to where you live.

There are also remedies for your stomach. You may have some kind of food sensitivity, and we can talk about that. Also, if you have taken antibiotics, you may have killed off some beneficial bacteria that will need to be replaced. I would like to find out more about your circumstances, so I can offer more specific suggestions.

Please take care. Don't go to those butchers. Let me know what happens.