Expert: Pat G - 3/5/2010

Question
Hi,
My girlfriend had an abortion  at 20 yrs, well on mutual agreement. we were in different countries at the time of the agreement and also during the procedure. After the procedure i called her over the phone she talked and she said we will talk more when we meet. i got back in her country a week later. I went to see her, she was OK and when I asked about the process she talked about it and i was able to comfort her. from then a two days later when i went to see her she started rejecting me. Obviously she was regretting the whole thing she just got into. i tried talking about it and she said she doesn't wanna talk about it. i left her and called her in the evening and she never picked up the phone. the following day i went to see her she asked me to give her space. I did give her space for a week. during this time i kept in contact by emails and SMSs. after a week she said she still need more space. two months down the line she blamed me for not being there. we talked and i thought everything was fine. she insisted that we dont talk about it.

finally she started rejecting any touch from me. i have never got more intimate more just a simple kiss after the her pregnancy. now its almost 8 months and it has gone to a point where she says my presence makes her not to move on.

i love her and i wanted to move on together. now it hurts that my presence is hurting her. i dont know what to do. i clearly didnt do things right. i want to marry her. what do i do?

Answer
Hello, jacob,

Unfortunately, breaking up after an abortion is very common. Probably 90% of relationships break up. Equally unfortunately, there isn't too much you can do to determine how she will feel and act as a result of her abortion. You did put her at risk, and she had to take the consequences. For her to have an abortion may have seemed like the logical thing to do, and the man often doesn't understand the emotional dimension at all. This is because the changes in a woman's body cause bonding, but the man has no such corresponding experience. In fact, it is common for a man not even to be able to accept a pregnancy and relate to it until HE can observe the evidence, and that rarely happens before the second trimester. But for the woman, a subconscious bonding actually takes place in the first few days. As the tiny being moves down the Fallopian tube, every time he or she touches the wall, hormonal messages are exchanged. These are what stops the woman's period. After implantation, the baby starts to send stem cells into his or her mother's blood stream. These move to different parts of the mother's body, and some of them lodge in her brain. So there is a second form of bonding. A lot of this happens before most women even know they are pregnant. This bonding may be beneath her consciousness, but it's very real. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that some women are aware of this bonding within the first few days, because I was. I would feel a tugging sensation, and this would be within days of conception. And I knew what it meant. And I have talked to other women who were aware.

It is often difficult for a man to tell just how willingly a woman goes and gets an abortion. There are a lot of subtle things that can go on, that a woman may well interpret differently from the man. For example, if a man says it is her decision, and says he will support whatever she decides, a lot of women interpret this as abandonment. A man should really fight for his child. Men also often pull away emotionally in a subtle way because of fear of the consequences of pregnancy, and that is also interpreted as abandonment. Women usually WANT the man to fight for his child. Probably at least half the abortions that take place are because the woman feels lack of support from the father. Sure, some women really want to have an abortion, but I think most don't.

Women will often panic because we are told that the longer a woman waits, the more dangerous an abortion will be. Also, they want to be rid of the "problem". So they don't take the time to think things through.

Obviously, not being in the country with her was beyond your control. But I think the situation is really deeper than that. She regrets her abortion, and since you played a role in it, she wants to blame you for the part you played. She doesn't want to see you because this turned into a very ugly and painful thing for her.

Perhaps part of the clue here is the fact you want to move on together. She isn't going to be able to "move on" and if you said that, she may be thinking you are insensitive. It's not that you are insensitive, but that you have no way of understanding, but she doesn't know that. An abortion is a big deal for a woman, a life-changing experience. She will never be the same. Even if in time she can forgive herself, she won't forget, and forgiving oneself after abortion has to be one of the hardest things in the world.

The only thing I can suggest is that you apologize to her for supporting her having an abortion. Tell her you also regret it. Tell her you still love her, and you would like to talk to her. See if you can have a discussion with her. Offer to go to counseling with her, if she is willing. Offer to pray with her, and ask God's forgiveness. If she decides she wants to break up, let her go. In the long run, you can't hang onto her against her will. (If she did stay with you, the relationship would be seriously harmed anyway.) If there is any chance for your relationship, this is probably the best approach to take. Then, in time, she may come back, but it has to be of her own free will. Just tell her you will be there for her if she wants to return. Give her a year (the emotional pain for her will probably be less by then), and if there is no sign she will return, move on and look for someone else. Or, if it looks like there is no possibility, you can decide together to part ways.

Should you stay apart, the wise thing to do is to take care of any woman you go with in the future. Don't put her at risk in the first place. She deserves better. Tell her that you will cherish her and put her well being above your own. Sex is meant for marriage in the first place. Learning the hard way what sex can cause in a relationship is not the best way to go, but failing to learn is far worse. It just makes me angry that nobody ever explains these things to people before they make serious mistakes.

I am sorry things turned out this way. But she is going to have to deal with it, and it will have to be in her own way. You can pray that she will return, but like I said, you can't force her, and if she doesn't want to be with you anymore, there is little you can do. Please let me know how things turn out.