Expert: Pat G - 3/11/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hi

I recently had an abortion on 24/10/09. I discussed it with my partner who first said we shouldn’t but eventually agreed. We both went to the clinic but a day later we both regretted it. He blamed me for killing his baby and for himself for not standing up for the baby. He refused to talk about it or to see or speak to cause I reminded of him of this bad experience. He broke up with cause what he felt for me is gone. he also did not want to go for counselling which I’ve gone to. No day passes without me thinking about the baby or him, I still love him and it hurts. It’s been 4 months but I still hope one day he will come back and we can work things through. I hope we can get married and have a baby, I know it wont replace the lost on but somehow it will help.

Regards

Samke

ANSWER: Hello, samke,

I am so sorry things turned out this way. This happens so often!

Please find an organization in your area that can help you. You can find one by going here:

http://heartbeatservices.org/index.php/connections/worldwide-directory

Choose "South Africa" from the country list. There are a number of them in South Africa. Try to communicate to him that this help is available. I know he doesn't want to go to counseling, but it may be your only hope. Regardless, these organizations are experienced at this type of counseling in particular. I don't know if the counselor you have presently has this experience or not. There are many men here in this country who are now talking about their experience, and they miss their chance at fatherhood. If you are able, you can get YouTube videos of some of them. Here is a link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/guysforlifeorg

Here is a list where people talk about their abortions:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=74781DD245D1F10E&search_query=men+regret

I don't know how helpful these will be, but it is worth a try. You are not alone. Many women have gone through this and have healed emotionally and spiritually.

I am about to go to bed, and I am very sleepy, so I can't talk much now, but I will also be willing to talk to you as much as you need for me to. Please know that God is willing to forgive you. All you have to do is ask. He has already paid the price of all of these things. He loves you, and He wants you to spend eternity with Him and your baby. Let me know what religious belief you have, and I will also talk from my own perspective. I will write more tomorrow when I am rested. Please take care of yourself and take one day at a time. I will pray that your partner will agree to make an attempt to become reconciled.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks a lot for your answer I really needed someone to talk to you since none of my friends or family know about this for fear of being judged and the shame itself, and I know it will break my mother’s heart. I am a Christian and have asked for God’s forgiveness. I know He has forgiven me but I cant help feeling guilty. The main reason I came to this decision is that I’m single with 2 kids already from previous relationships and could not bear the thought of bringing another child out of wedlock. I wasn’t taking any contraceptives at that time which was very careless of me. My partner
Was willing to support me and the baby but I wanted us to get married before my family could realize I was preg but was not brave to ask him to. We were very in love but I think my trust issue to men due to previous disappointments played a huge part in my decision. Thank you for the words of support and information sites, I really appreciate it.

ANSWER: Hello, Samke,

You're very welcome!

It hurts me to see a woman who is in a position where she feels that her life will be turned upside down if she carries her baby. This should never happen.

It is very, very difficult for a woman to forgive herself. So I will talk about this a little bit. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. It is the decision to accept the situation, the hurt, and not to strike back. In this case, it means not harboring negative feelings toward yourself. The devil will try to accuse you incessantly. I recommend you ask God to help you to be willing to forgive yourself. It is an issue of trust. Since He has forgiven you, you need to choose to trust Him, that you are truly forgiven. When you don't forgive yourself, then you haven't placed this trust in Him. You won't want to forgive yourself. So keep asking God for His help. Read the Psalms. There are some there that will greatly comfort you. Remember King David. He did something that resulted in the death of a man, because he wanted the man's wife. God's response was to forgive him, and to call him a man after His own heart, and He even arranged that David would be an ancestor of Jesus. God can and will redeem your life; you just will have to let Him. Obviously, also, you will have to deal with the lack of trust in men. One important point is this: if a man is willing to sleep with you, you may not be able to trust him. A man who will truly cherish you will not try to take advantage of you. There are godly men who will take you as you are, and love and protect you. When you have found someone like that, talk to him and tell him about your past and see how he reacts. If he is a godly man, and wise with God's wisdom, he will be willing to accept you because none of us is free of the guilt of sin in God's eyes, and in God's eyes, even though we may think we are better than those other people over there, we're not. One little sin is enough to separate us from God eternally. That's why Jesus died for you.

One thing these abortionists never tell a woman is that most of the time, although family will be upset by the pregnancy, it is rare for them not to become very supportive in the end. I have 11 grandchildren, and two of them were conceived out of wedlock, and I love them both very, very much. I don't go around thinking about who was conceived out of wedlock. I just love them. I let my children know where I stood. A child is a gift from God, regardless of the circumstances. The older one's father was afraid to tell us, I guess, because we didn't learn about him until he was 17 months old. But I had already decided where I stood if this were to happen. The other one told me right away. Obviously, different parents will react differently at first, but like I said, most will love their grandchildren in the long run.

Please get some counseling at the organization near you. They can advise you on whether you need to tell your family or not. They can also advise you of how to react to your other children, and how to minimize the damage they may experience emotionally from this situation. This can affect your ability to be a good mother, so this counseling is very, very important.

Please take care, and keep in touch.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi

i need your help. I have forgiven myself and believe that God has forgiven me too (maybe I don’t have enough faith cause I can’t help the longing for another baby. I feel so lonely without my partner and I blame myself for ruining our relationship. i have this feeling that I robbed him the opportunity of being a father which is unjust. Tell me if I’m wrong cause I don’t know what to think anymore. I never found closure in our relationship cause he neva wanted to see me because he said I remind him of the termination. What do I do with all these negative feelings that don’t wanna go away.

Shortly after I went for counseling (bible study) fro about four weeks, which helped me – I don’t think going back will do more – the rest is upon me. I pray, I read the Bible too. Maybe time will heal.

The only reason I’m still alive id because of my 2 kids, sometimes I feel like the pain is too much to bear.

Answer
Hi, samke,

My heart goes out to you. Women rarely realize just how heart-wrenching an abortion can be, until it is too late. This is one of the things that abortionists really should warn women about. They have that duty.

I would agree that you did rob your partner of the opportunity to be a father to this child. That said, the important thing is to go on from here. You indeed do have two children to take care of, and this obviously makes things even more difficult, but it is right not to take your own life. Forgiving yourself after an abortion has to be one of the hardest things in the world to do.

I don't find it surprising that your partner feels the way he does, either.

For some of this, time will help. I don't know what is in store for your relationship in the long run. If you find an organization near you as I suggested, they may offer him counseling as well. He also needs to heal emotionally and spiritually. Running away from thinking about it won't help.

I would say that your emotional and spiritual healing is more in God's hands than yours. Ask Him to help you forgive yourself. Remember, He died for you, and all of this is paid for. God made sure we knew about how graciously He forgives. Remember that King David sinned egregiously because he wanted Bathsheba, so he sent her husband to the front lines in battle so he would be killed. Yet, God not only forgave him, but said he was a man after His own heart, and caused him to be in the lineage of Jesus. Likewise, God transformed the life of Saul, who was going around killing Christians. He met Saul on the road to Damascus, appeared to him personally. He transformed Saul into the Apostle Paul. I owe my faith to the preaching of Paul, because he preached to my ancestors. Even as God forgave David and Paul, He has forgiven you, and now He wants to heal your heart. Please pray that God will help you want to become healed in mind and spirit, and that He will show Himself and His love to you in a special way.

It is also natural to want to have another baby. Your maternal instinct was aroused, and it has nowhere to go, at least not with the baby.

Please do find an organization near you. Most of them have programs for women who have experienced abortion and now live with regret. If you are unable to find a group near you, you can get online counseling by going to this web site:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

I will be here for you. Feel free to come pour out your heart any time you feel the need. We love you, and we pray that you will experience healing. May the Lord bless you.