Expert: Pat G - 3/9/2010

Question
Hi I am having real trouble deciding with my girlfriend whether or not she should have an abortion or not. I know its my girlfriends decision not mine but i think i can persuade her otherwise. The problem is she is 23 and I am 25 and we aren't finished with college yet and most importantly not married. Our parents would flip out if they were to find out she was pregnant. We really want to get married but I'm not financially ready for marriage let alone a baby! The problem is our parents, and we don't know what to tell them or how they would react to the news. I am very very happy that i will become a father but just thinking about what my girlfriends parents will think of me and if they will even allow me to marry her because of my stupid decision to have unprotected sex. So right now she is thinking about getting an abortion and something in my heart(and hers) is telling me not to go through with it and to bare with all the harsh commenting our parents are going to give us. Maybe disown us. Also if she decides to go through with the abortion is it safe? I mean can she still conceive when we are actually ready to have one? Ive learned my lesson to have protected sex or just stay abstinent until marriage. This is a BIG decision for both of us and we just don't know what to do. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest and i hope you can answer soon so we can make a better decision.

Answer
Hi, chris,

Well, there are a number of things that come to mind. I'll address your concerns one at a time.

To begin with, it is possible to have a baby and finish college. I know this because I did it. At the time I graduated, I had four children, three of them preschoolers. I had one child in the middle of the semester. I was out for a week (my choice) and aced my courses. With the two of you, you can take turns taking care of the baby while the other one is in class.

The second issue is that you are not married. Please know that if she does have an abortion, you have about a 90% chance of breaking up. There are other potential consequences I'll talk about in a minute, but it has been our experience that even though most parents will flip out at first, most become very supportive in the long run. Obviously, they have a right to be upset, and there are possible ways to tell them that may help. For example, if you both go to a local pregnancy organization, they can often help. You can find one near you by going to this web site:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

They can also help with the financial issues, and they have furniture, clothing, and supplies for babies. They also offer counseling, and usually help with medical care.

I have eleven grandchildren. Two of them were born out of wedlock. It doesn't make me happy that they were, but what does make me happy is that no one harmed them, and they are absolutely precious. I don't love them any less than the other grandchildren.

Your parents can't forbid you two to get married. You are both of age. I realize you probably mean they won't give their consent, but given the situation, your major concern should be providing a stable home for your baby. Trying to have an abortion to conceal her pregnancy from the parents is not a good idea. What would happen if she had a complication? They'd find out, and they'd get stuck with the medical bills, or if worse came to worst, they'd have to go identify her body. Abortion is dangerous, and can kill her, seriously disable her, cause her to become suicidal, harm her future children, make her prone to breast cancer, and cause all sorts of other damage. And yes, an abortion could prevent her from ever having children. And to make matters worse, most abortionists in the United States are very careless, and their facilities tend to be filthy. I have information on several hundred abortionists in the US, and they're all bad news. Most of them have killed at least one woman. They rush through surgical abortions (take five minutes to change a woman's life forever), or give deadly pills (one of them carries the express warning from the manufacturer that a pregnant woman should NEVER take it). Many of them fail to sterilize their instruments properly, or re-use disposable instruments. It's not uncommon for people who aren't even licensed to practice medicine to do the abortions, or prescribe medicine. Since you love your girlfriend, she deserves your protection from all this. Your baby also deserves your protection, and your girlfriend's protection. He's not to blame for how he was conceived.

The best thing the two of you could do is remain abstinent. It has many different advantages. One is that it prevents this from happening again. Another is that it means that sex will have deeper meaning for you both once you do get married. "Protection" doesn't work very well.

Give your parents some space. I will be very surprised if they don't come around. Let them chew you out, and get it off their chest. If necessary, distance yourselves from them for a little while.

If you indicate your strong support for your girlfriend and your baby, and tell her that you want to protect your baby, and that as a man, it's your responsibility, I doubt seriously if she will decide to have an abortion, especially once she knows how dangerous it is. If you need more details on that, let me know.

Good luck. Please take care of your girlfriend and your child and keep them safe. Let me know how things turn out.