Expert: Pat G - 3/17/2010

Question
Hello my boyfriend and I just went through the torture of getting an abortion. He is acting weird now, almost distant from me and i cant understand it bc i am the one who went through all of it.  He doesnt call me or talk to me as much as he used to, he stays at home and gets wasted with his friends. He was about to quit smoking but now he started again. I used to wake up to a text in the morning saying hello have a nice day. Now im the one calling and trying to make it back to normal and i am emotionally exhausted. I may be over emotional right now but it just seems like he is distancing himself from me, and its not like i am damaged now -he did this to me not someone else. I want to make it work, weve talked about marriage once we are both done with school, but i dont know how to get us back to where we were. I try not to mention the abortion around him because it upsets him, but i cant just forget about it.  He has no interest in sex or being close with me other than kissing my cheak or forehead. He is 25 and i am 23, i come from foster care and divorced adopted parent so im not sure how relationships are supposed to work. In any other situation i would just walk away, but he is important and i want us to work out. Any advice would be great.

Answer
Hello, raquel,

This reaction on your boyfriend's part is very common. He's regretting his lost fatherhood. He probably also is experiencing resentment. He feels he failed. He didn't protect his child. And it's entirely possible he does think you are damaged. And medically, you probably are. Emotionally, very likely. And he didn't protect you, either. All of this has to weigh on him.

I don't know if you can get your relationship back on track. About 90% of relationships break up after abortion. Your best bet is to get some counseling. He should, too, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, it will be difficult to get him to accept counseling, especially since guys rarely want to be involved with counseling anyway. So, get some counseling yourself, and go from there.

You can find an organization near you that offers counseling by going to this web site:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

They are very familiar with all of this, and they have specific provisions to help women in your position.

I will be here for you any time you want to talk. Please take care, and let me know how things go. Good luck!