Expert: Pat G - 4/7/2010

Question
How can I get over my lost child’s father who doesn’t contact me or take my calls
I last called him 3 weeks ago, he promised (as he always does when I call him) to call the
Ff day and neva did. I miss my baby, I miss him to. He’s completely shut me out and I hate
To feel this way but I still love him and I miss him dearly. He was very supportive untin
A few days after the termination. What happened after that, I wish he could tell me.

Answer
Hello, samke,

Breaking up after abortion is very common. I don't know that there is much you can do about it. Abortion has emotional and spiritual consequences, and it may well be that his feelings for you have changed as a result. That was his child.

If you understand some of the differences between male and female sexuality, it will help you understand what happened. When a woman has sex, hormones are released that cause her to bond to her partner. The man has no such hormones. A woman is much more likely to commit to the man, to choose to cherish him. The hormones help. The man is less inclined to commit to cherish, partly because for him, it is entirely a decision, but not entirely. If your boyfriend had truly committed to you, he would have tried to stop you from having an abortion, and he would have been supportive of keeping your baby. Men will often want sex with a woman because they are attracted to her visually, and they may think they love their partner, but in reality, it's a very shallow commitment, if it is a commitment at all. They may be thinking that maybe someday they'll commit, or that they will stick by their partner, but when things become tough, the lack of a real decision to commit gives them nothing to counteract the panic they are feeling about the situation; they're not ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood. So although they care enough to be there with some level of emotional support at the time, when they stop to think about it, they may realize the enormity of what has been done, and at that point, the only way they know to deal with their feelings is to run away. Men rarely talk about their feelings. They hide them. By not being with you, they can even hide their feelings from themselves. They may also secretly wish the woman had stood up to them and refused to harm their child. Sometimes they are afraid having a child will ruin the woman's life, and they don't want to do that, but if she reassures them that she really wants the child, it can change how they feel. If your boyfriend told you that it was your decision, he already had pulled away from you emotionally. If he told you to have the abortion, he clearly had abandoned you both. A lot of women get abortions they don't want because they don't want to lose their partner. In reality, they are more likely to keep their partner if they don't have an abortion. The decision to have an abortion is often made in haste while people are feeling a sense of panic. People don't make good decisions when they are in a panic. After everything is over, they may feel a sense of relief, but when they start to think about it, it changes how they feel. If a woman tells me that she wants to have an abortion so she won't lose her boyfriend, I tell her if you do that, you won't have your boyfriend, and you also won't have your baby.

This may seem cold-hearted, but I want you to think about some things. Your partner really took advantage of you. He may have been sincere in thinking he had a level of commitment he didn't have, but when things got a little tough, he learned his commitment wasn't nearly as great as he thought it was. So he took advantage of you. He got the pleasure of sex, and you payed the price. If he refused to try to talk you out of abortion, then you really deserve someone better. You need someone who will cherish you and your children. With this man, at least right now, you don't have that. For you to make the decision to break up with him will be painful, if that is the decision you make. The pain will linger for awhile. But by making this decision, you will free yourself to find someone who truly will cherish you. When you find that person, he won't expect you to give him your body without committing to you first (by marrying you). If he asks, say No. See how he reacts. If he accepts and respects that, he is a good man. If he tries to argue with you, find someone else.

There is one thing you can try, and I don't know how successful you will be. You can contact your partner and tell him that you are sorry you aborted his child and it was a mistake. See how he reacts to that. Give him time. If he doesn't respond, that's probably all you can do. I'd suggest praying, but also remember, God doesn't force His will on someone, so if your partner really doesn't want to be with you, God won't interfere.

I will be here for you to discuss the things you are going through. I hope this has been helpful. Take care, and let me hear how things go.