Expert: Pat G - 5/22/2010

Question
I'm looking for a clinic that will help my friend. She already has a toddler about 2 and she cannot take care of another child. She is already struggling as it is and she does not feel ready for another kid. She has mediCal but they only do up to so many weeks. She cannot afford an expensive procedure. She is 19-20 weeks.

Answer
Hello, Dana,

I am going to give you some straight talk, because probably nobody else will.

Is your friend looking to risk and possibly lose her life? Because that's what she is asking for. Then who would take care of her toddler? Abortion is always dangerous, and that late in pregnancy, it is especially dangerous. She will either have to go through labor (which her body isn't ready for, so it will be rough), or they will force open her cervix and this will cause a lot of damage. She could end up with a deadly infection if they use laminaria. If they force it open with rods, it will damage her cervix so badly she will have difficulty carrying a baby to term if she ever wants another child. Extreme prematurity can cause cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism, mental retardation, blindness, and deafness. She thinks she isn't ready now; she needs to think about what it would be like to have to deal with one or more of these, and know she caused it. Or, she could have a miscarriage, or several.

Once the cervix is open, they'll have to cut her baby apart. If her baby is still alive, it will cause him or her excruciating pain. And there will be sharp bones that could lacerate her uterus and cause damage to other organs. It just plain isn't worth it. And if that weren't bad enough, a lot of these people who do such late term abortions are really shoddy in other ways. Many of these facilities won't meet basic health department standards. She could get a sexually transmitted disease because these people usually don't sterilize their instruments well, if at all. And she would have to come up with the money to stay in another state and the travel expenses to get there. This is something that normally takes several days. And she could change her mind once it's too late. Some women do. I hear from such women.

Let's suppose somehow she did come up with the money. Does she have the money to pay for complications? Also, there are no places that are offering abortions for free. They're making money from abortions, and that's what they're after: people's money.

She will also leave herself open for all kinds of emotional problems. This can include a 7 times increased risk of committing suicide. She will also be at greater risk of dying from an accident or homicide, or of abusing alcohol or drugs, or getting anorexia or bulimia, or having sleep disturbances, such as horrible nightmares. I have experienced those nightmares. I wouldn't wish them off on my worst enemy.

Not only that, but it will hurt the older child she has. It will affect her ability to be a good mother, and her child will sense something is wrong, and will react. This is her child's sibling, and she wants to deny her child the right to know and love his or her sibling.

There are people ready to help her with whatever problems she faces, and the help is free. And if she doesn't have the resources and truly doesn't want to raise another child, she can choose adoption, and the adoptive parents will pay all her expenses. She can keep in touch and know how her baby is doing. She can choose the parents. And if she is having discipline problems, I can personally tell her how she can deal with them successfully. I have raised seven children.

By the time her baby is old enough to be born, she may well be very ready to be a mother to a second child, and in fact, having a second child could easily help her with discipline problems with her first, because babies have a way of socializing and civilizing each other. They keep each other company and make it easier on the mother, because she doesn't have to be with either of them all the time. I speak from experience here, too. It all depends on how she handles the situation, and like I said, I am here to help. Please have her contact me with her concerns.

She deserves better than abortion. Don't let her run this horrible risk or go through this terrible experience. Please.

She also deserves to meet her baby. By now, she can see her baby through ultrasound. She may even see a family resemblance in the face. Many of these organizations have ultrasound, and their ultrasounds are free. She owes it to herself to do this before she does something so horrible. She could well have to see her dead baby, and believe me, she will find out all of this eventually anyway. Better to find out while she still has a choice.

To find an organization that can help her, she can go to this web site:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

There will be one near her. They are waiting to help her. She should go and talk to them, and hear what they have to say. She's only getting one side of the picture now, telling her this will be easy and without repercussions, and that side is a lie.

I have a friend who had an abortion at about the time your friend is proposing having one. She became suicidal at least twice that I know about, and I sat up with her all night to keep her from doing. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced! And she was absolutely certain she never wanted to be a mother. But a couple of years later, she told me, a friend at work was thinking of having an abortion, and she said, "PLEASE talk her out of it. My abortion ruined my life!" And you know what? It didn't change a thing for her except leaving her more deeply in debt. She was right!

Please talk her out of it! Please. Please have her contact me, and please let me know how she is doing. I will be here for her no matter what, but I won't help her hurt herself.