Expert: Pat G - 6/25/2010

Question
Ma'am,
I just found out on Friday that I am about 4 weeks pregnant. I will be turning 21 at the beginning of July. My issue is is I'm considering abortion. The reasoning behind this is because I broke up with the father of the child about a week before I found out. The reason we broke up was because he was extremely controlling, and in the end I had to call the police and file a domestic charge against him. He does not know at this time that I am carrying his child and I'm scarred to tell him. I don't feel I could raise a child in that type of environment, but I also do not want to keep the child from his/her father. I have considered adoption as well because I know abortion is extremely dangerous and to be honest I don't really believe in it. I do want children but I am scared for mine and the childs well being. I have read some of the other questions that people have asked you on the subject and I'm hoping you could help me as well. I would like to know which would be a better choice or option considering my circumstances. I have asked many people and no one can help me out. I'm scared and seeking guidance...

Answer
Hello, jennifer,

Thank you so much for wanting to hear my thoughts on this choice!

I don't blame you for not wanting the father to know about this. It sounds like you are right to have nothing further to do with him. You would be wise to go to a local organization that helps pregnant women and ask them to put you in touch with someone who can discuss the legal issues with you. If you choose adoption, and you let anyone know who the father is, you may need his consent in some states. You may have the option of cutting off his parental rights, and the fact you have filed a domestic charge against him will help. As for keeping your child from his or her father, look at it this way. Any fertile man can be a sperm donor. It takes a lot more to be a father. A person who cannot be trusted to cherish his child is not a father. The father is the person who does cherish the child, and raises him or her well, regardless of who the sperm donor was.

To find an organization near you, go to this web site:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

You may have read that I have experience with adoption. We raised two adopted children, and we have two adopted grandchildren. We also now have two other grandchildren who, while not formally adopted, are part of a blended family, which in many ways is similar. Our son is a very good father to them. Adoption carries minimal medical risk, because generally speaking, pregnancy and birth are safe in the United States. Adoption is often heart-wrenching, but I think most women who have experienced both will say there is no comparison; adoption is far easier to deal with. You are already aware that abortion is very dangerous.

When we adopted, closed adoption was the norm. We did not know the birth parents in any way; we weren't even allowed to know their names. When we needed medical records, we were unable to get them. This latter issue was a problem that still concerns me. Closed adoption has the advantage that parents can feel like they can really raise the children as their own in every way. In fact, I breastfed both adopted children. Nowadays, there is the option of having an open adoption, with as much or as little contact and information exchanged as all the parties agree to. Our daughter's adoptions are both open adoptions. She is very comfortable with that. In an open adoption, often the birth mother also chooses the adoptive parents.

I would definitely urge you to choose adoption over abortion. Adoption may be difficult, but it's a choice you can live with. I don't feel indecisive about this question at all! Please go to your local organization and learn more about the aspects of adoption in your state, and let them tell you more about the risks of abortion. Also, there is the possibility you will decide to parent, and if you can solve the legal issues, you may want to consider it. However, please know that adoption is a good choice.

Good luck! I will be here any time you need to talk. Take care, and keep your baby safe!