Expert: Pat G - 9/14/2010

Question
Last year I got pregnant and it really took a toll on my mentally, emotionally and physically.  My boyfriend and I struggled to come to terms and accept our decision but until this day it effects my everyday functions.  I feel empty inside and a distance between those I love.  Recently I found out I was pregnant again and I just feel foolish and stupid.  I can't believe that after the forst time this happened I allowed myself to be in this situation again.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like I am in this awful nightmare in which I have to face because it is my reality.  I cant think straight and I don't know what to do.  I know if I decide to have this baby it will devastate my family.  My boyfriend and I aren't ready and we dont have the income the home or the emotional stability right now to have this child and I cant think of the idea of giving up the child.  I just don't know what to do, I feel like I have reached my end.

Answer
Hello, Cassie,

You do need to do something about your regret from the previous abortion. I'll get to some recommendations in a minute.

Why do you think having this baby will devastate your family? I've walked in their shoes, and I'll tell you what it's like from this perspective. Parents tend to be disappointed their daughter has been sleeping with a man. They may even get upset. They have every right to be upset. After all, you are, too. That said, in our experience, parents almost always become very supportive once they have dealt with their initial reaction. I have two grandchildren who were born out of wedlock, and they are just as precious as our other nine grandchildren. I wouldn't DREAM that they should have been destroyed.

You know from experience abortion is not the answer. All it does is leave you with huge emotional issues, and it doesn't prevent you from making the same mistake again. In our experience, a woman who resorts to repeat abortions will keep on having them until she either becomes unable to have a child at all, stops having sex, or carries one to term. I urge you to carry this one to term. You have been given another chance. Take advantage of it.

You can get the help you need to establish a stable home, and restore your emotional equilibrium. There are organizations all over the United States that help women in your position. You can find one near you by going to this web site:

http://www.optionline.org/

The link to the lists is on the right, and not real obvious.

They provide all sorts of services, including counseling and material help. They can help you with the issue of telling your parents. It's entirely possible your parents are more aware than you think they are. I was.

I will also be here for you to help you work through your feelings and other issues. I have much more I'd like to tell you, but it would take awhile to write it, and I want to let you think about what I have said so far. You deserve better than abortion. Abortion can kill you, leave you seriously disabled, harm your future children, cause you to be more likely to get breast cancer or an auto-immune disease, and get a nasty infection from the abortion itself. A third of the women who have abortions do get such an infection. Abortion ALWAYS damages a woman's body. Always. The amount of damage varies, but the more abortions you have, the more damage you sustain.

You also need to have a talk with your boyfriend about the chances you are taking. Sex is for making babies, and protection and pulling out don't work. You deserve to have your bodily integrity, and you deserve for your boyfriend to cherish you and respect your body. Please don't have any more sex until you are married. There are other ways to have pleasure with each other (although any kind of penetration anywhere into your body can cause harm). Please see if your boyfriend is the man you think he is. Ask him to respect and cherish you.

Please take care of yourself, and stay safe. Keep in touch and let me know what happens.