Expert: Pat G - 3/30/2011

Question
QUESTION: Five years ago, my husband and I learned we were pregnant.  At that time, I had a 14 year old son from previous marriage and we had a two year old daughter conceived through IVF together.  The doctors had told me I could not get pregnant on my own.  My husband did not want the baby and was worried about finances.  Our church minister told us he didn't think our marriage would survive another child and that fetuses didn't have souls.  I had an abortion and my life as I had known it was gone.  I no longer feel like me.  I have tried to forgive myself and my husband and the minister and the abortion provider....  I have tried to be a good mother to my children, knowing that they need me -- but inside I am dead and without hope.  Is there any hope?

ANSWER: Hello, Judith,

Your story brought me to tears. I am so sorry! Many people betrayed you. Make sure you don't take responsibility for what they did to you, but also make sure to forgive them. I know you are trying, so I will explain some things about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a decision. It is the decision not to hold whatever these people did to you, against them, to accept the hurt without striking back. You will probably reach a point where you decide to forgive them, but the next day, you don't feel you have forgiven them, or want to forgive them. You will have to do it again. Tell God you don't want to forgive those people, and He will have to help you. Ask for the Holy Spirit to move in your heart, to release you from the bitterness, hopelessness, anger, and anything else that is standing in the way. Repudiate the devil, who will certainly try to convince you that they don't deserve your forgiveness, and you should never forgive yourself. The devil is the accuser of the believer, so it is vitally important to repudiate him. Just say to him, Jesus, out loud, and he will leave you alone. He will probably come back, and you'll have to do it again. If you can, confess to your husband the hurt you feel, and how difficult it is to forgive him. There is a very good chance he is also suffering regret. Also, if you can, talk to your minister. Bare your heart to him. Let him know how much this hurt you emotionally and spiritually. He needs to know. He also needs to repent of having guided you into this act. The abortionist is the hardest. I have a really difficult time forgiving abortionists. God is gradually softening my heart. Again, keep asking for God's help. He will certainly give it to you.

Yes, there is definitely hope. You can experience healing. Please know that God loves you with an infinite love. He came and died for you, and as soon as you ask for forgiveness, in sincere repentance, He will forgive you. It is also difficult for a woman to forgive herself, but she can also do this. Please know also that your baby is in Jesus' loving arms, and looks forward to seeing you in heaven.

God shows what kind of forgiving God He is. He forgave two people I can think of, who are in the Bible. The first was David. David sent Bathsheba's husband to the front lines so he would be killed, because he wanted Bathsheba for himself. But God forgave him and placed him in the position to be the ancestor of Jesus. The other was Saul, who went around killing Christians. Jesus met Saul on the road to Damascus, where he intended to kill more Christians. The result was that he became the Apostle Paul. And Paul brought the Gospel to many different groups of people, including my ancestors. If God is willing to forgive these two people, He most certainly is willing to forgive you, and to live through you. Being willing to forgive yourself will probably be very difficult. Trust God and His promises. Tell God that you don't want to forgive yourself, and He will have to help you. Ask Him to help you trust in His promises, and forgive yourself. Ask God for His emotional and spiritual healing.

It will take some time, but eventually, you will experience spiritual releas, just as thousands of women have already experienced.

There are programs and counseling for women in your position, and they are offered by organizations throughout the United States. There is an organization near you. To find it, please go to this web site:

http://www.optionline.org/

Please do this.

There is also another web site you may find helpful:

http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/

You were made in the image of God, and He loves you. You have a young child to take care of. It is difficult to be a good mother with a cloud like this hanging over your head. She needs you. She needs your joy, and your love, and she needs for you to be healed. Please go. Take care, and keep in touch. I am here for you any time, and because God loved me first, I love you. I will keep you in my prayers.



PS I was waiting to see if you would write to me again, since I cannot answer a comment. I appreciate your words very, very much. Writing here SHOULD send you another notice.

These days, it is easy to be deceived by everyone around you. While you are obviously not without fault for having an abortion, please remember that Jesus died for your sins, including that one. No sin is any less heinous in the eyes of God. We are taught that the tiniest sin (taking a bite of fruit) separates us from God. Yes! You can experience joy. We are forgiven through Christ, Who payed the ultimate price. Praise be to God!

Men do handle this type of grief differently. Men, especially in this country, don't often speak what is on their heart. If your husband says anything about you wallowing, just tell him that you need his support, and you are asking for it. You are grieving. Not only did they destroy your child, but they also invaded your body, which is something he didn't have to endure. The mere shock of what they did to you only aggravates the grief and remorse. He may not fully understand, but he can do things like comfort you.

Children are affected when their mother gets an abortion. At the very least, many women change their behavior, and children sense the change. There should be more counseling available for siblings. It is an idea I will tell others.

Thank you so much for writing, and please know that I am still crying and praying for you. Keep in touch.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Pat,

I have spent a lot of time reading your answer, re-reading it, and praying and praying over my situation.  My husband was the one who wanted the abortion, woke me up the morning of - saying come on we're going to be late, and then drove me to it and sat in the parking lot with our then 2 year old while the procedure was done.  I have chosen to forgive him and I believe that with God's help, I honestly have forgiven him.  But, I no longer respect him and as hard as I have tried, I have not been able to regain that respect.  So, what hope is there for our marriage?  I read what God has to say about marriage but when I try to respect my husband, I just cannot.  I feel that for my daughters sake, I should stay, but I just feel no respect or trust in him or his decisions or in his leading the family.  I can be around him as a friend, but there is nothing else - just despair at being yoked with a man whose very presence reminds me of my worst life experience.

ANSWER: Dear Judith,

I certainly understand how you feel. It makes perfect sense. Abortion often causes a marriage to break up.

Before deciding what to do, please go to your local organization and get some counseling. Obviously, you will only regain your feelings for him by God's grace, not by your own doing.

On the one hand, Jesus counsels us, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. But on the other hand, I fully understand, and I don't blame you for how you feel.

So get some counseling, and then decide what to do. If you haven't already done so, go to this site and find the organization near you:

http://www.optionline.org/

It's interesting that Paul counsels men to love their wives, but never counsels women to love their husbands. This is because women naturally love their husbands. But your husband went against nature. I think if I had personally been involved in an abortion instigated by my husband, I would have left. If I had had one without his permission, he would have left. There is no minimizing the betrayal that your husband did to you. So the most important thing is to pray for God's help. You are obviously not healed emotionally or spiritually from your abortion. I will also pray for you, and for God to heal you.

You may find it helpful to be pro-active, so to speak. If you do something to spare other women the grief and agony you have experienced, this may help in your healing. Give it some thought.

I am sure you are aware that it will hurt your children if you get a divorce. That doesn't mean you shouldn't, but it should weigh against it. Divorce only solves the legal issues. It doesn't touch the emotional and spiritual issues at all. God bonded the two of you. A divorce will cause damage. That is not to say that you are going to come out of this undamaged if you figure out what to do. Obviously, that is not an option. All you can do at this point is to experience God's healing. In the meantime, make sure you get good nutrition. It will help you cope. Don't eat or drink anything harmful, such as artificial sweeteners or monosodium glutimate. Be very careful about taking any prescription drugs.

One final thought for consideration. You made a promise to your husband when you married him. Even if you cannot honor and respect him, consider the possibility it will be helpful for you to honor and respect your promise. You will have to decide what to do, ultimately. I won't be able to make that decision for you.

Please take care. Let me know how things go.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Pat,

Thank you again for your advice, thoughts and prayers.  I have done abortion bible studies and counseling.  I don't know why it hasn't seemed to help - it has some it just doesn't sink in to the core.  At one point I did believe that God couldn't use me at all if I couldn't get up in the morning and that seemed to inspire me over the past 5 - now going on 6 years.  I have wanted to help other women avoid this tragedy but I believe it would so harm my children to know at this point t- I really talked through in counseling whether to tell them or not  -hat I don't know of a way to tell my story anonymously.  I also home school my two daughters so it is hard to find time to be away during the week.  Do you know of opportunities online or by correspondence?

You say, hypothetically, that you would have left if your husband had instigated an abortion - and yet you have seven children.  I can only pray with God's grace I can be a good mother if I am this depressed in my marriage.  You're right about the vow I made and I guess there isn't a clause that says - unless he decides to have an abortion some day.  Although that seems at least as bad as/worse than adultery which is grounds for divorce...

I do eat really well.  It may seem ironic but nutrition and recovery are two of my life passions.

I feel scared at how much I want to die just to not feel these feelings.  I mean I want to live - but I don't know how to live/cope with these feelings.  Does that make any sense?

Answer
Dear Judith,

What you are saying makes perfect sense. Many women feel this way.

There are opportunities online. There are groups that help women, and you can use a pseudonym there. There is great need for people like you to participate. Word isn't getting out there about these groups. This site is the only one that seems to get good enough publicity so that a lot of women come here. But I can provide you links to other groups if you leave a private message.

As for having seven children, just so you know, two of them are adopted.

To me, abortion seems to be about in the same league as adultery. Both are huge betrayals.

I think part of the problem is that you are going through the stages of mourning and grief. At the stage where you are, your mind wants to blame someone else. I realize it has been a long time, and healing may take longer for you than for some women. Please continue to give yourself time. It is my understanding that increased risk of emotional turmoil and its consequences can last up to eight years. Please safeguard yourself very carefully; your daughters need you. I will continue to pray for you. You may find encouragement from the Psalms.

One thing I should explain is that your emotions will betray you. The devil is the accuser of the "brethren", which includes us as sisters. Whenever you feel these negative emotions, pray. Repudiate the influence of the devil on your emotions. Please keep in mind that your child is in heaven with Jesus and wants very much for you to join him or her someday. Find a solid church that will teach a clear message of repentance and forgiveness. Remember that if you cannot forgive yourself, this really shows a lack of trust in God's forgiveness. Forgiveness of your husband also means making the decision to cleave to him anew, not because you feel like it, but because you are both sinners, and we don't have the luxury of continued condemnation.

There may be things lacking in your diet, good as it is, that if added, would help you deal with this. Some that come to mind are phosphatidyl choline, and evening primrose oil, particularly if you have eaten a lot of food in the past with monosodium glutimate or artificial sweeteners. Also, stress depletes vitamins in general. Spend some time on some of the natural healing sites and learn more about specifically addressing the stress you are under. Your children will sense that something is wrong, regardless of whether you tell them about this or not.

My heart grieves for how difficult this is for you. I wish I could give you a hug. Please hang in there. God loves you, and so do I.