Expert: Pat G - 4/18/2011

Question
I had a medication abortion only 3 weeks ago now, I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. I'm only 19 and didn't feel ready to have a baby. I didn't tell any of my friends that I was planning a termination let alone I was pregnant, simply for the circumstances; it was a rough time in my life about 3 - 4 months ago, and I'm not going to claim I was innocent because I wasn't, at all. I was quite frankly ashamed to talk to my friends about what I was going through personally; I didn't want to be the one who would be fussed over in my group of friends, so I let it be. I didn't tell my family because quite honestly they would be embarrassed. After I had the termination I told one person, who I thought I could trust and we both broke down about it in the bathroom, turns out, she's told the rest of my friends that it's a lie, they've now ruined my social life, and have even turned my best friend of 10 years against me. And they are telling me to prove I actually had the abortion, I was just wondering what I can do to prove it to them? I don't want to as it's painful enough thinking about it and having none of them to be there for me, but in all honesty, I just want my friends back.

Answer
Hello, Rachel,

Well, that's a new one! It's not the sort of problem I can claim any particular expertise on, because I haven't talked to anyone else who has told me of something like this, and as far as I know, studies of the emotional aftermath of abortion haven't discovered this particular problem, either. Abortion does cause alienation in a number of different circumstances.

A lot depends on whether or not your "friends", as you call them, are really capable of real friendship. Maybe not. It is a shame they are taking this attitude. One possible thing to do is to simply not discuss it, and wait for awhile. Time can heal a lot of situations. It's painful to wait, but it does work. I know, because I have been through this a number of times. As for your best friend, you might have a talk with her, and tell her that you still want to be her friend, and you hope she will trust your word over the word of people who want to gossip and spread lies. If she isn't willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, your friendship was on shaky grounds, even though you thought otherwise. Sometimes that's painful reality. If your friends think that having an abortion is some kind of status symbol, I can see them reacting that way. Otherwise, it doesn't make a lot of sense. And yes, there are people who think that having an abortion is a status symbol. On the other hand, some of them may simply not know how to talk about it. They may be angry at you for having one, or they may want to help, but they just plain don't know of a constructive thing to do or say. Or, they may feel an obligation to be there for you, but they are afraid of the whole situation. I knew one woman who went around calling women who said they had an abortion, "murderer". She eventually stopped doing that and reached out to them, but it took several years. Sadly, she died very young, and I still miss her. And it is possible you simply need to find new friends. Perhaps eventually some of the old ones will come back, but if they do, ask what the basis for your friendship is. I'm thinking it may have been fairly superficial all along. And I've also experienced what it is like to lose a close friend and be unable to get her back. It was very emotionally painful for about a year. I have since seen her a couple of times, but we no longer have enough in common, and she still isn't free to be my friend. Now I can think about the whole thing and not feel pain. It just takes time. And when you need comfort, it can make things very, very lonely.

Abortion often wreaks all kinds of emotional havoc and often trashes a lot of relationships.

You might benefit from some counseling designed for women who have experienced abortion. They may also be able to help you work through this. You can find an organization that provides such counseling, by going to this web site:

http://www.optionline.org/

They also have online counseling.

I hope things work out for you. Try to be patient. Cry if you have to, pray, take care of yourself, and just wait. Don't pursue these people; they may not have been worthy of your friendship to begin with, and pursuit will just scare them off. Good luck! I'll be here any time you need to talk.