Expert: Pat G - 6/30/2011

Question
I'm 23 years old and I am a mother of two boys age 4 1/2 and 2. My fiance and I are going through a very very hard time, especially for me. We have been together for going on 6 years now.
In April I found out I was pregnant again. I know it should have been a happy moment for me, but I'm sad to say it wasn't. I have a very difficult time with our two boys as it is, trying to get them to behave, and I felt very strongly that I wouldn't be able to handle another child at this moment in my life. I wanted to get my other two childeren under control first. And my fiance and I discussed this, and he told me that he could try to help me more but that would be a lie, that he wouldn't be able to help me with the kids because he would have to put himself out there more as far as work and making more money. And I just feel like I'm at the breaking point with my two kids as it is right now so I decided to do the early option abortion pill because my fiance told me that he wasn't going to leave me if I did and that no matter what everything would be okay no matter what I decided. Now he says he hates me and that he could never have children with me again because every mother's day and birthday he'll be thinking about the one I gave up. And he still wants more kids and that he'll have them just not with me. And I love him sooo much and just wanted us to be a family more than anything. Now I feel like he's leaving the family he has to go have a new one, and it's hurting so bad.He's muslim and I see now that he feels very strongly about this, but he told me he wouldn't leave me so I believed him, and I feel as though he messed with my head by lying to me about something like that. It's all even harder for me because I think I have Social Anxiety Disorder(Social Phobia) so it's very very hard for me to speak up and be assertive about things,I don't like conflict and fighting. And when he is upset and he tells me to do something I just do it.He told me to call and make the appointment and get it taken care of so he could get on with his week so that's what I did because after he put it like that I felt like he didn't want it either. Now seeing what this has done to us I'm regretting every single moment of what I did, and I wish desperately that I could take it back. I guess I'm wondering if there's any hope at all for us?

Answer
Hello, Christina,

My heart goes out to you. This is such a sad situation! I wish so much you had contacted me before you did anything. I have a lot of knowledge about how to establish discipline in children the ages yours are, since I raised seven children. I will share that knowledge with you, because you still need it, so let's talk privately about it.

Is your fiance the father of your other two children?

There are many strikes against your relationship. About 90% of relationships break up after abortion for starters. And you may well be aware that abortion is a violation of the Muslim religion. Even though he didn't say anything, that is still the case. Unfortunately, Islam is full of problems, especially for women. Women are really treated like property. If he came from one of the countries in the Middle East, there could come a time when he would simply take your boys (if they're also his) to his country against your will, and you would be unable to stop him. If you followed him, you would be subject to all the mistreatment that Islam prescribes for wives. Not only that, but under certain circumstances, it is honorable to lie for the sake of Islam. This is called taqiyya. Lying to get you as his wife so he can convert you would fit into this. And since lying is sometimes honorable, I wouldn't expect a Muslim to be truthful at other times, either. Islam teaches that a man may marry a woman who is not Muslim, with the intent of converting her.

You probably love him for several reasons. One is that an unmarried Muslim man can be very charming and considerate. But given the attitude about women, it would not last into the marriage in all probability. You also have probably made the commitment to love him. Many women do this. The act of having sex releases hormones in the woman's body that cause bonding. It will hurt like the dickens to break up, but it will probably be intense for about a year, and then you will start to heal emotionally.

I have dealt with the issues you are dealing with, both with respect to a mixed religious marriage with Islam as one of the religions, and with respect to international child abduction. These are very, very messy problems, and there isn't always a decent solution.

Like I said, I can help you with the discipline issues. I also recommend you get some counseling for having had the abortion. This will help considerably in your emotional healing as well. There are organizations in Florida that provide this type of counseling. To find one near you, please go to this web site:

http://www.optionline.org/

I will pray for you. Please take care and hang in there.