Expert: Pat G - 8/19/2011

Question
I`am`sorry`but`my`computer`is`broken`so`i`have`to`write`like`this`my`story`
Im`23`years`old`mother`of`one`great`4year`old`son`i`have`been`with`his`father`for`7years`it`isnt`the`best`relationship`it`is`an`abusive`relationship`i``met`him`when`i`was`16`i`was`just`a`kid`i`had`my`son`with`him`when`i`was`18years`old`my`son`was`planed`we`both`knew`what`we`wanted`and`it`was`a`child`together`well`any`way`i`got`Pregnet`a`year`after`my`son`my`labor`with`my`son`was`horrible`i`almost`died`but`most`of`all`he`came`out`blue`not`breathing`it`was`the`worst`thing`i`went`threw`and`it`lasted`2days`i`couldnt`take`doing`it`again`and`i`know`my`life`wasnt`together`at`all`so`i`cryed`and`was`deathly`ill``i`had`the`abortion`by`pill`at`around`5`in`a`half`weeks`it`was`hard`i`did`it`alone`i`left`my`abusive`spouse`and`had`the`abortion`at`my`sisters`house`scared`crying`holding`my`grandmoms`cross`that`i`got`off`her`coffin`when`she`was`buried`it`was`a`horrible`night`but`i`got`threw`it`after`that`i`got`back`with`him`still`hury`but`alone`and`scared`i`am`in`love`with`him`i`know`im`wrong`and`stupid`but`still`i`stay`i`had2more`abortion`by`pill`2years`after`the`first`now`i`just`was`in`the`hospital`lastnight`from`being`deathly`ill`with`this`5week`fetus`i`just`passed`the`pregnecy`today`and`i`just`feel`so`bad`i`never`really`wanted`to`do`it`this`time`i``am`just`so`scared`of`having`another`baby`and`every`birth`control`i`use`i`get`deathly`ill`off`of`comdoms`break`always`i`am`ashamed`off`myself`i`look`into`my`sons`eyes`everyday`see`his`smile`feel`his`love`and`i`cant`understand`why`i`aborted`my`other`babys`i`know`deep`down`it`was`the`only`way`i`have`nothing`to`offer`my`sons`my`world`i`just`feel`god`hates`me`i`need`someone`to`help`me`threw`this`hard`time`i`cant`take`being`in`my`own`body`anymore`iDI`did`this`4times`so`i`must`be`stupid`please`help`me`i`want`to`know`how`to`move`on`and`not`keep`on`looking`up`pictures`of`5week`old`fetuses`its`never`felt`this`way`i`need`god`to`forgive`me`i`need`to`know`he`still`sees`me`as`worth`something`i`also`been`molested`when`i`was`21`by`my`sisters`boyfriend`that`was20`and`i`never`told`any`family`not`even`my`sister`i`feel`damaged`and`i`feel`worthless`anymore`i`am`told`i`am`a`baby`killer`by`my`sons`father`all`the`time`and`that`crushes`me`every`time`i`here`it`i`need`some`advice

Answer
Hello, Italiana,

I redid your message so people can read it. It won't show up the way you wrote it.

I am sorry but my computer is broken so i have to write like this my story
Im 23 years old mother of one great 4year old son i have been with his father for 7years it isnt
the best relationship it is an abusive relationship i  met him when i was 16 i was just a kid i
had my son with him when i was 18years old my son was planed we both knew what we wanted and it
was a child together well any way i got Pregnet a year after my son my labor with my son was
horrible i almost died but most of all he came out blue not breathing it was the worst thing i
went threw and it lasted 2days i couldnt take doing it again and i know my life wasnt together
at all so i cryed and was deathly ill  i had the abortion by pill at around 5 in a half weeks it
was hard i did it alone i left my abusive spouse and had the abortion at my sisters house scared
crying holding my grandmoms cross that i got off her coffin when she was buried it was a
horrible night but i got threw it after that i got back with him still hury but alone and scared
i am in love with him i know im wrong
and stupid but still i stay i had2more abortion by pill 2years after the first now i just was
in the hospital lastnight from being deathly ill with this 5week fetus i just passed the
pregnecy today and i just feel so bad i never really wanted to do it this time i  am just so
scared of having another baby and every birth control i use i get deathly ill off of comdoms
break always i am ashamed off myself i look into my sons eyes everyday see his smile feel his
love and i cant understand why i aborted my other babys i know deep down it was the only way i
have nothing to offer my sons my world i just feel god hates me i need someone to help me threw
this hard time i cant take being in my own body anymore iDI did this 4times so i must be stupid
please help me i want to know how to move on and not keep on looking up pictures of 5week old
fetuses its never felt this way i need god to forgive me i need to know he still sees me as
worth something i also been molested when i was 21 by
 my sisters boyfriend that was20 and i never told any family not even my sister i feel damaged
and i feel worthless anymore i am told i am a baby killer by my sons father all the time and
that crushes me every time i here it i need some advice

I am very sorry you have gone through all this. You seem to be controlled totally by fear, and
this is not at all a good thing. You desperately need to experience emotional and spiritual
healing. God is ready to forgive you. All you have to do is ask. Forgiveness is free; you don't
have to do anything. But you have to stop having abortions. If you have another abortion, you
will demonstrate you are not truly sorry. Ask God for help to avoid having another abortion in
the future. It is very important that you get past the fear of having a baby. If you stay with
your husband, then it would be reasonable to have sex, and you may get pregnant again. If he
truly is abusive, it may be wise to break up. I don't like to advise this. It is possible that
he could learn to stop abusing you, and there may be things you can do that will help him turn
around his attitude. For this, again, you really need some counseling.

You were made in God's image, and God loves you so much He died for you. I realize that you have
every reason to feel worthless. But God died for you BEFORE you were even born, and certainly
while you are still "worthless". He doesn't hate you. He LOVES you! God wrote about how much He
loves people who have committed egregious sins, in the Bible. Two examples come to mind. The
first is King David. He wanted Bathsheba, so he sent her husband to the front lines of battle so
he would be killed. But God forgave him and placed him as an ancestor of Jesus. The second
example is Saul. Saul was going around murdering Christians. But Jesus appeared to him in a
vision when he was on his way to kill another Christian. Saul became the Apostle Paul. Paul
preached to my ancestors, and that is why I learned about God's love for me, and was able to
develop a relationship with Jesus. And what God did for these two people, He can do for you.
There are many women who have been through what you have been through. You are not alone. Just
ask God for His forgiveness, and ask Him to help you forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is a
decision you make, and it honors God's forgiveness of you.

You desperately need some counseling. There are organizations in Pennsylvania that offer
counseling. To find one near you, please go to this web site:

http://www.optionline.org/

You can also get some online counseling from them, but please go to your local organization as
well. You need some real hugs, and you can only get them in person. Most of the women who work
with abortion experienced women are women who have had abortions themselves. You will learn that
it is possible to heal emotionally and spiritually from abortion. PLEASE do this! It is very,
very important. Get some counseling. I will be here for you as well. Please take care of
yourself and your son, and keep in touch.