Expert: Pat G - 8/6/2011

Question
QUESTION: hello my name is Stephanie and i had a medical abortion just over 6 months a go, i did want the baby and why everyone wrote out the con's of a baby i was fighting for the pro's, i got told by the father that he wasnt ready for a baby but after the abortion he saw how much hurt i had gone through and said he wishes he could go back and talk me out of it, my mum said it was up to me in the end but by this point everyone had convinced me it was for the best, i was only 8 weeks pregnant so emotions were everywhere, the morning sickness was morning day and night none stop,i usually stick up for what i think is right but i think with the sickness and hormones i thought my mum would know best, after a month of the abortion my mum by accident said she couldnt bring herself to have an abortion so she respects me for that whoch hurts because she made me do something which we were both against help me as the feelings wont go away and i know people who have an abortion and straight away are back on their feet so why am i still crying over it? btw i am 17 and was 16 when pregnant my mum got pregnant with me at 18 so she was a young mum aswell

ANSWER: Hello, Stephanie,

I am so sorry about all this. You were obviously coerced into having an abortion you didn't want. I am a little surprised a pill abortion worked for you, given how far along you were.

Morning sickness can be controlled. I advise women to sip a little ginger ale or ginger tea to help stop the nausea. I have also read that it can be due to nutritional deficiency. I am looking for more information on that.

What you are experiencing is normal, and plenty of women go through this. There are counseling and other services available to women such as yourself. To find such a service near you, please go to this web site:

http://www.optionline.org/

I will explain a few things now that I hope will help. The most important thing you can do is ask God for forgiveness. This is by far the most healing thing you can do. You violated your own conscience, and did what many women see as a totally unacceptable thing. God is ready and willing to forgive you. Just ask Him. If you are no longer close to God, it is wise to go back to Him, and He wants you back. Read the Psalms. Pray. If you ask Him in sincere repentance, please know that He has already paid for your abortion, and He has forgive you. Make the decision that you will never, ever get another abortion. Whatever the circumstances were, if it was inappropriate for you to have sex, repent of that also, and ask God's forgiveness of that as well. You can then experience secondary virginity. This is when you decide to remain chaste and not have sex except within marriage.

Then you must forgive all the people who abandoned you or coerced you when you wanted to have your baby. This will be very hard, because you won't want to. But forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a decision. It is the decision to accept the hurt they caused you and not strike back, and not hold it against them. Finally, you must forgive yourself. This is, perhaps, hardest of all. You won't want to forgive yourself. But refusing to forgive yourself means you don't fully trust God at His word that you are forgiven. Again, it's a decision. You may have to pray to God and tell Him, "I don't want to forgive myself. You will have to help me." You will probably have to ask repeatedly.

Most likely, the emotional pain you are feeling will ease up after about a year after your abortion. The anniversary of the due date and of the abortion will be rough. Make sure you are with loving friends, and don't stay alone.

It is likely that you may experience inappropriate feelings because of this. Take care of yourself, and don't harm yourself. Don't turn to drugs or alcohol. If you find that you are having specific problems, please let me know and we can talk about it. When things get overwhelming, pray. I will be here for you, and I will help you all I can. I will pray for you, and I pray that God will bring you peace. Remember, God loves you. And so do I.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you, i did lose god along the way but i found him again, i knew i had to forgive others as i always blamed them not myself, when i thought i had forgiven them i started to blame myself and stoped eating, and doing all the usual things you need to do, i had some help from my boyfriend (the "would have been" father) and he helped me, when i realised it hurt blaming me i started blaming others again esspecially his mother as she was always saying its a mistake and we would regret having it and that if we had it jordan my boyfriend would be kicked out, so a lot of pressure was on me.

what i want to ask is well...... i feel like i want to have a baby to convince myself i can do it, and to give myself a second chance to not listen to the rumours, but this is a wrong reason to have a baby, i mean there are right reasons i have, for example me and my boyfriend have been together a long time and only been with each other, we know we want to move in with eachother which we are in the process of doing,i dont usually cry loads but if someone says to me its not your fault, i cry, if someone says about babies, i cry, its horrible....so should i have a baby if yes or no then why?

also what you were saying about being suprised about the abortion working, it did but i had side effects for example part of the babies tissue was left and would not come free and also i became very aneamic (low white blood cell count) and nearly had a blood transfussion.

i feel like everyone has gone back to when i didnt have an abortion and i feel i need people to ask how i am every so often but im to proud to tell people, i have also lost my friend over this so its just me and my boyfriend.

your words really helped thank you, hope to hear from you very soon

Answer
Hello, Stephanie,

You're welcome. I'm glad you found my answer helpful.

It is often said that having an abortion is a silent grief. Most women don't feel they can talk about it. Most other people just shrug it off and wonder what all the fuss is about. You can get carried away and talk about it long enough to wear out your welcome, but people really need to be a little more aware of just how devastating abortion really is for a woman. I think a lot of people don't want to admit it. They think having abortion available is helpful. Unfortunately, it's not. It is rare for a woman to find it truly beneficial. As Frederica Mathewes-Green said, a woman doesn't want an abortion like she wants a Porsche or an ice cream cone. She wants an abortion like an animal caught in a leghold trap wants to gnaw off his own leg.

Thinking of having a baby right now may mean you are experiencing "replacement baby" feelings. This is also fairly common. But it isn't wise because you will probably face the same issues and the same pressure as before, and you may not be any more ready to take care of a baby than you were the first time. A baby needs two parents who are committed to each other. At present, you and your boyfriend don't have that level of commitment. I would work on that first. If you happen to get pregnant, then by all means have the baby. But it is better not to take the chance until you are ready to make that commitment. Although you can always choose adoption, that is a very difficult choice, and the other option is an 18 year commitment (or 21 as the case may be). So it is better if you wait, rather than having a baby just to prove you can, and you can resist the pressure, and so forth. Have a baby when you are ready to take care of a human being who is totally dependent on you for quite awhile. If you think you might want to marry your boyfriend, work on your relationship, and see if it will develop to the point where you can make the commitment and start a family. Moving in with each other without marrying can provide many more temptations to take chances. Please consider this carefully.

God wants you to make the commitment before you have sex. It is vitally important that you now try to walk in His ways, so that He can and will bless you. God designed babies so they need two parents who are committed to each other and to the babies. I have seen how things can go if people have children before that, and it can be a serious problem. Not everyone has the same difficulties, but there are just too many things that can go wrong. Make sure your boyfriend is someone who would make a good father. Take your time. You have your whole life ahead of you. One of my children got married at 19. In my opinion, it's hard for a woman in this culture to make a decision regarding who would be an excellent life mate that young, and indeed, she didn't choose well the first time. But please take it one step at a time.

As I said, I will be here for you, and I hope this has also helped. Take care.