AboutDanielle Expertise I can answer questions regarding medical and surgical abortion, questions about abortion in general, like moral and religious issues concerning the procedure. I'm happy to answer questions, have discussions, and provide further information, like pro-choice websites and organizations.
Experience I have people close to me who have gotten abortions, I know the current abortion issues, and I have researched abortion in depth for a long time.
Expert: Danielle Date: 4/24/2008 Subject: Boyfriend making me feel guilty over abortion
Question Hi there. I am a young woman in her late twenties, who recently had an abortion. My boyfriend did not agree with my decision, and tried to pressure me to keep it. He is very angry with me for having gone through with it, and has called me "selfish" and "irresponsible". He says that all I care about is myself and my "precious career".
Well, the truth is that I have worked very hard to get where I am. I worked two jobs to put myself through school, studied hard so that I could get good grades etc. I LOVE my job, and I couldn't imagine giving it up. I realize that this is an unpopular opinion, but I always feel sad when I hear of a bright, talented woman giving up her career to be a stay at home mom. No one expects that of men. The women I do know that have kids and work, feel guilty about it.
The truth is I have never wanted children. I don't even like them. And I don't feel the least big guilty about having had an abortion. I would do it again if I had to. It is my boyfriends comments are very hurtful and are driving a wedge between us. The other day he had the audacity to say that I had no problem "enjoying" myself(sexually) but didn't want to deal with the responsibility. Like I am some slut for liking sex or wanting to be intimate with the man I love! And he didn't call me a murderer directly, but said abortion was the murder of a child, and asked if I thought about the pain that "child" endured. And the truth is I didn't. He also said that it is unnatural for a woman not to like children. I am used to comments like that last one. Whenever I tell people I don't like children or that I don't like being around them, they look at me strange. I don't get it. It's like because I happen to have a vagina, I am supossed to want ten kids, and want to give up a challenging, interesting and well paying job to change diapers and pick up dirty socks. No one asks that of men. I apologize. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. The people in my life are all pretty conservative, and none of them know about the abortion. If they did, they would judge me. Do you have any thoughts? I am actually thinking of leaving Mike over this, because he has hurt me so deeply with his insensitive remarks. also, he wants a wife who wants to have ten babies(literally!) and stay home. And that is not the life I want for myself. I like feeling like I am making a difference everyday, and contributing something to society. And I like having my own income and not being dependent on someone else. And not to be conceited, but I am just too smart and ambitious to want to stay home. Thanks so much.
Mia
Answer Hi Mia :)
It's true, women have to deal with the issue of working and having a family in much more complicated ways than men do, period. I think the woman's happiness and self-fulfillment should come first, and if that means the job, then that's that. Women shouldn't feel pressured to give up their work. What if their husbands were to divorce them, and they didn't have any income? I, personally, have always been raised to believe that I should have a job, and my own financial independence so i can support myself no matter what happens.
Your boyfriend's comments are completely unacceptable. If you don't want children, NO ONE should tell you that's wrong. And your abortion was accepting responsibility "I don't want or like children, so i won't raise one and put it into that difficult situation." You should always be able to enjoy sexual intimacy without the fear of a child resulting from it. Your boyfriend doesn't have to deal with that.
And as to the "pain" it endured-well, it didn't. Pain receptors aren't developed for quite some time, and without those, how can one feel pain? They can't. And the comments you hear concerning women wanting children are quite unfortunate, I hate hearing them. It's sexist. These comments are frustrating, I know, but the best is to be like how you are-comfortable with yourself, your decisions. Everyone else doesn't get a say. And I understand, situations like this are incredibly frustrating and unacceptable.
You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to about the abortion. it's a personal, very private thing, so don't feel any pressure to. I know my mother, who had two abortions, didn't tell her mom, and they're very close. If you want to tell though, just say you decided to end the pregnancy, rather than completely interrupt your life with a child you don't want, and you spared yourself and the fetus. And quite frankly, it's not up for them to decide if something that went on in your uterus is ok or not ok. Being confident in your decision is great.
If that's the woman he wants you to be, he needs to accept that that's not your plan. His comments about your abortion are completely inconsiderate, and if you want to leave him, that's up to you. You shouldn't have to put up with negativity over such a decision, and would maybe like a relationship better if the man was more of an equal partner-supports you in your decisions, doesn't judge. You should NEVER feel any pressure to give up your job and change into another lifestyle. You have your own plan, and it sounds fantastic.
