Expert: Deborah - 10/13/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi. I am a feminist and VERY pro-choice. I have been involved in abortion rights activism since my late teens, and it is an issue I feel very passionate about. I feel strongly that if women do not have the right to choose, we will never be truly free or truly equal. I actually have two seperate questions. The first one deals with how to explain my position that equality and reproductive freedom are connected, because a lot of people don't understand this. They will argue that a woman can still be independent and sucessful, and have children. Which IS true, so I'm not quite sure how to refute that. I don't want to sound as though I am against women having children. Of course women can have both, but it's about a woman having the ability to choose her own life path. Does that make sense?

The second question is unrelated. Hope you don't mind! An old friend from high school recently got in touch with me on Facebook. Our friendship ended in the first place because we were very different and didn't have anything in common. Basically our outlook on life, values etc were different. She is very anti feminist and anti choice. I accepted her friend request because I didn't want to be rude, but when I saw that she belonged to anti abortion groups I deleted her! I feel terrible now, because I know it's going to hurt her feelings. Maybe I am intolerant, but I just don't want to be friends with a woman who is actively trying to take my rights away! But I still feel guilty. Was it wrong of me to do that? Would you feel comfortable being friends with someone who was anti choice and didn't have feminist values? Thank you.


Janice

ANSWER: Dear Janice,

"They will argue that a woman can still be independent and sucessful, and have children. Which IS true, so I'm not quite sure how to refute that."

I can see what might be happening with you here.  It has happened to me, also.  What I mean is, you get so involved with the debate that you start, unconsciously maybe, believing the propaganda of the other side.  If you could just step away from this for a minute, and look on this question with fresh eyes, you'll see what I mean.

"They will argue that a woman can still be independent and sucessful, and have children. Which IS true, so I'm not quite sure how to refute that."

There is nothing there to refute.  Nobody on the pro-choice side is saying that women cannot be independent and successful and have children.  Most women (61%) who have abortions already have children.  Also, most of the women who do not have children at the time of their abortion go on to have children at a later date.  So, the abortion debate has nothing to do with whether or not women will have children.

However, the ability to CHOOSE when and if a woman will have children is a necessity if women are to be equal to men.  A woman cannot compete in the workplace with men if she can be sidelined with an unwanted pregnancy at any moment.  Some women cannot even remain employed when pregnant because they become so debilitated, let alone compete with anyone!

Now she has been forced through an unwanted pregnancy and now she has a child to take care of.  She has to be able to afford daycare, she has to be able to find a job where she can have flexible hours and can miss work when her child is sick and cannot go to daycare.  How can she honestly compete with a man who has none of these issues in the workplace?  It is IMPOSSIBLE.


"Would you feel comfortable being friends with someone who was anti choice and didn't have feminist values? Thank you."

No, I could not.  If your fiend questions you, just tell her this.  She has to learn that her anti-choice behavior has ramifications in the REAL WORLD.

Best wishes,

Deb




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: THANK YOU! You articulated exactly the point I was attempting to make. I just couldn't find the right words! I find myself getting really flustered sometimes when I try to debate this issue, because it is hard for me not to get emotional about it. I mean, basically what they are saying is that women are not human beings with rights, and that they are basically nothing more than incubators. How can that not be insulting to any self-respecting woman?!

Of course, the follow-up to that would be she could give it up for adoption. But she would still have to go through the nine months of pregnancy, and the pain of childbirth. And people would ask questions. And it would be quite emotionally traumatic for her. And also, once the child is born the father has rights and he may have a problem with this. There is a whole host of issues.

I do have a few more questions, if you don't mind. Why do you think it is that people tend to be so dismissive when you bring up how painful and debilitating pregnancy can be for women? Like when I mention that a lot of women have to endure morning sickeness, they are like "big deal. It's only for a little while". Or when I bring up the issue of depression, "she could see a doctor and get a prescription for anti depressants". It's like it just doesn't matter how much a woman suffers. She should just suck it up!

And then, they say well if she didn't want to get pregnant she shouldn't have had sex. But consenting to sex and consenting to nine months of pregnancy and eighteen years at the very least of having to make sacrifices to raise a child are very different!

Thanks for taking the time to discuss this with me. I appreciate it.

Janice

Answer
Dear Janice,

"Why do you think it is that people tend to be so dismissive when you bring up how painful and debilitating pregnancy can be for women? Like when I mention that a lot of women have to endure morning sickeness, they are like "big deal. It's only for a little while". Or when I bring up the issue of depression, "she could see a doctor and get a prescription for anti depressants". It's like it just doesn't matter how much a woman suffers. She should just suck it up!"

They don't care because they hate women.  That is why they are anti-choice to begin with.  Here is all the proof you need that I am right about this:

Here is the logic of the abortion debate:

1.  Abortion has always existed, as long as humans have been on Earth.

Anti-choicers admit this is true.

2.  Making abortion illegal will not stop abortion.  Countries where abortion is illegal have even higher rates of abortion than countries in which it is legal.  In the U.S., millions of women had abortions before it was legal.

Anti-choicers admit this is true.

3. Making abortion illegal now will not stop abortion.  It will just make it more difficult for a woman to get an abortion.  It might even lead to women getting maimed and to women dying from back alley abortions.

Anti-choicers admit this is true.  So what do they have to say about the fact that no embryos or fetuses will be saved by making abortion illegal, but women will be maimed and killed?

They say that the women who have that happen to them deserve it.  So basically the fight to make abortion illegal is not about saving the lives of embryos, it is about maiming and killing women.

I don't blame you for getting emotional.  I get emotional too.  Anti-choicers make me sick.

Keep up the good work fighting these evil people.

Deb