About Francis Hosein Expertise I can answer questions on relationships; marriage, abuse, controlling relationships, successful relationships, codependency, father and daughter relationships,
I can answer questions on psychics, mediums, paranormal phenomena.
Experience relationships, psychic readings, setting goals, meditation, tai chi, therapy, yoga, massage. neuro linguistic programming
Education/Credentials b.a. in psychology, therapist in NLP, degree in chi nei tsang massage.
medium for over twenty years. Tai chi teacher for 27 years.
Question I have been married for over 10 years to my husband who I just separated from in October. For the initial part of our relationship other than the honeymoon phase, he cheated on me while I was pregnant, told me I ruined his life, that he never wanted to be married, screamed at our 9 month old daughter in my arms that I was a f----ing bitch and also was looking a porn and hiding it as well as going to the porn theatres, which I didn't know at the time and pretty much yelling at me on a daily basis. Things did improve from there and I had to initially drag him to counseling, but he did get used to it and started to get somewhat better. It took about 5 years. Meanwhile, I was doing yoga all the time and asking him to participate with me as well as asking in counseling for him to quite smoking pot so we could have a closer relationship and sex. He wouldn't. He was also diagnosed with viral meningitis and prescribed pain killers, which he began abusing, which took me a long time to realize the extent. His father died and I started my own biz which was doing great. Meanwhile, I would ask him to help me with it since it was benefitting all of us. Instead he started his own biz that never made any money and went on tour with a band and cheated on me again, right when things were going the best that they had and were ok, but slowly improving. I found out and he lied about it until I confronted the girl and she admitted it and he knew. I wanted to end it then but he begged me not to, which I agreed if he went to conseling together and individully and stopped having contact with the girl. Well, he kept lying about talking to her and I found out. only went to counseling once. Then he said he had a transformation and for the first time he really wanted to have a family. He had started giving me pain killers everyday, which I admit I took, and my biz was really specialized to where I couldn't take time off or find a replacement and I had jobs booked every weekend. One day he said that I was going to be really sick because he couldn't get any more pills. I knew he wasn't going to be sick and asked him what he was going to do. He got heroin and yes, I ended up doing that because I had such a crazy schedule. This also coincided with him running out of his inheritance with in 2 months. Lived that for a while, being miserable the whole time and wanting to quit but not knowing how to find the time or even start. I found a way and was 2 weeks clean and he started quitting and then ended up using again. I ended up doing it again b/c it was in the house and not enough time had passed of healing. This went on back and forth for almost a year and it got to the point where i would try and end it and get sucked back into the relationship and the drugs. Finally I went on Methadone and 2 months later he did because I said he had to leave if he didn't. I ended up closing my biz b/c I had supported both of our drug habits and it took all the money. I went through a severe depression and told him my feelings and asked for his support. He says he did, I don't think so. I had told him I didn't have anything to give to the relationship at this time because I had given everything I had for so long and had nothing left. If he wanted the relationship (which he cried to me he did) that I really needed him to take action and get us in counseling b/c I couldn't even get the mail, answer the phone, etc. He did a few things, but it never seemed to last and he was yelling at me quite a bit again. I was waiting for him to be nice to me for 24 hours to go to him to try again, but it never happened. Meanwhile lots of verbal and threat of physical violence. He then told me how gross I was and that he didn't want to be with me. I asked him to move out, but took him over 6 months. That was in October. I have had to interact with him for our daughter seeing him, but there have been a few times that I had to pick her up because he yelled at her and she had to sneak the phone to call. About a month after moving out he asked about working things out if I could see him as a good person ( He says that I never recognized he was trying and also only saw him as all the awful things he had ever done.)He was talking to the girl he cheated on me with the last time again. I told him as long as you are talking to her we don't have anything to talk about. He know has a new "friend" that he is wooing and saying all the same things he said to me. He says that he has changed and is a good person and I just make him feel awful. I have been wanting to file for divorce, but keep losing my nerve and asking him if he wants to, he said he would wait. I asked him if he thought we could eventually work things out and be happy together? He will not admit to me that he is seeing this person and falling in love. He wants us me to acknowledge all the mistakes I made (which I did, i don't try and deny that) and that he doesn't want to talk about any relationship for us in the future. that we would have to get to a point where we would be friends and want to hang out with each other. He said that he is a good person and that I drove him away at the end. Is it possible for a person to really change in this short of time, considering he was yelling at me up until the day he moved out or is this new girl in for more of the same, maybe not as bad because of all the tricks he learned with me. Can/should i be friends with him? I need a little support and help. Also, my daughter and I start counseling next week and I have been reading a lot of self help books. I'm just having a hard time watching him be so nice to this new girl and what if he really is changed. any help/guidance would be appreciated
Answer Hi Alice,You have had a lot of problems, where do we start?
You were getting many signs from him and you did not trust your feeling, that it is not good for you to be in this relationship.
Your husband is not ready and cannot change so fast on his own, it takes years of constant work to break the bad habit and consciously to create a new one.
As you know from counseling being consistent is important for your healing.
It is in your best interest to stay away from your husband because he has a big influence on you and you do not have enough strength to say "no."
You having being looking for support and to feel that you have a partner who wants to go forward with you and you have been looking in the wrong place.
Putting yourself first is number one because your daughter needs a good role model.
Since you do not have the strength in you right now, stay away for your husband, you both cannot be friends now.
When he blames you, that shows he is not taking responsibility for his actions and he is not heal.
Support yourself now, you are carrying hurts from the past that you did not heal and that is priority now.
Take small steps, it is confronting to create new habits a new identity.
