AboutNafeesah Expertise I can answer just about anything on abusive relationships, but I can't give legal advice on how to get out of one that's something you need to speak with a counselor trained and certified to deal with domestic violence issues to get resources in pursuing legal recourse.
Experience I have been in abusive relationships and I have shared my experience in helping others to get out of these types of relationships. I was in two abusive relationships one lasting nearly 2 years and the other just over 5 years.
Education/Credentials Associates degree, bachelors degree, and I am a certified nursing assistant
Question Hello, I'm 17 years old and have been in 2 abusive relationships. Well to my knowledge I never realized they were abusive until certain programs at my high school brought this to my attention, as well as my friends. During sophomore year of high school I met a guy who currently had a girlfriend, there was no interests in him it was just a friend. Until one day he started talking to me online and said he had broken up with his girlfriend and would like to take me to his homecoming. I, being 14 at the time said yes. He came over to meet my parents, because my parents wanted to meet him before they let me go anywhere with him. I wish they would have seen something wrong with him so I didnt have to waste 2 years of my life. He informed me that his mom and dad were divorced and his mom remarried. He had a 2 year old step sister from his mothers current husband. The real shocker was that his mother suffered from post partum depression, and had tried to kill herself on many occasions. I didn't exactly know how to deal with this, but all the times I met his mother she was very nice to me and seemed to enjoy my company, the same for his step dad. The first few months of the relationship were fine, except he was very clingy, saying "I love you" after only a couple months. My friends said he wanted attention from me that he wasn't getting at home. Then things got weird, he would tell people we did things that we really didn't do, and when I asked him about it, he would deny it. He was my first boyfriend so I was very attached to him and didn't want to beleive he was lying to me. He got me into drinking and staying out late, and just general things that were not good for me. My grades were slipping and I had lost many of my friends. He also smoked pot, but I wasn't aware of it. He would go smoke places on the days I didn't see him and I never knew anything about it. The one best friend I had left convinced me to breakup with him. We broke up, but still liked eachother. We were in a stage where we were together but not officially together. He invited me over to his house while he was having a party, I noticed a girl I used to be friends with looking at me in a weird way, almost like I was unwelcome. I later found out that she and him had been hooking up while we were kind of together and this killed me. It hurt me most because I trusted both of them, and if they had any interest in eachother I would have backed off. He tried to tell me that I was the only one for him and that she meant nothing to him. Everytime we fought he made it my fault, everything he did wrong was my fault, and everytime I brought up him lying to me I was somehow overreacting and "it really wasn't a big deal". My parents didn't exactly want me to go back out with him but said that it was my decision. We started dating again a couple months later, but it was different this time. He started hanging out with guys who liked to abuse girls. I noticed his changing moods and actions towards me, I convinced myself it was ok, because he was different and he loved me. He started to do things to me, even when I said no, and in return he would make me do sexual acts to him as well. I remember how much it hurt and how much I dreaded it everytime it would happen. I would feel dirty and used, but thought it was ok because that's what normal couples do. He would go home and tell his friends everything that happened. His friends would even IM me and say things like "oh yea he told us every dirty detail". When I would ask him about this he would of course deny it and I was again "making a big deal out of it". The relationship ended in May after I refused to do a sexual act on him while driving to school, he claimed he had no reason for breaking up with me. I cried my eyes out, even in front of my parents, they were so worried about me the called my sister over late at night to talk to me. I had a breakdown, I wouldn't talk to anyone for 2 weeks. During the months of us dating he would be depressed some days and perfectly fine the next, he explained that the day he broke up with me he was depressed about his family and took it out on me. He tried to get back together with me but my family would not allow it. They didn't want him near me or my house. I started sneaking him over while my parents were at work. He said he wanted to talk, but he would just use me and then leave. He asked me to come over one day, I asked my parents if I could go, they said they didn't approve but once again it was my decision. That was the worst decision of my life. His parents were out of town, and that was the day I lost my virginity at 15. We were not dating, and I don't even think he loved me, that was a decision I will regret forever. He told all of his friends and my friends, and it went around school and things just got horrible. I thought it was my fault everyone knew, and if I didn't want anyone to know I shouldn't have done it. I stopped contact with him for a while, but it didn't work, he still comes to me when his mother is in the hospital, she has since tried to kill herself more than 5 times. He also comes to me when another girl hurts him, claiming he needs me and I was the best thing that happened to him and he was a fool to let me go. I would not and will not go back to him, I stopped drinking and hanging out with the wrong people, got myself some new friends who don't drink or smoke, or do anything that is bad for them. My grades were going up and I am a happier person.
My second abusive relationship happened after the first one. This guy was my best friend since freshman year. He was always flirty with me, but was also always looking out for me. He was friends with the first abusive person, but not close friends. His parents were also divorced and he would often come to me telling me his mom was crazy and he hated living there, the weird thing was he was always talking about how his dad was such a ladies man and how he looked up to him for that. During the summer he would come over at like 10 every night just to talk on my front porch for about half an hour. He would hug and kiss me when he left, but in a friendly way. He truly was my best friend and I would tell him everything I was feeling about the first abuser. Little did I know, he would go back and tell the first guy. I didn't find this out until after things with him became abusive. He would start making me do sexual things to him, on my front porch, then he would leave. I would occasionally ask him for a ride home from school, and he said yea as long as I gave him 2 dollars for gas. I said I would, but one day I didn't have 2 dollars because I didn't expect I'd need a ride home. He drove into an alley and started kissing and touching me, I would say "No I have to go home" but he wouldn't listen and would make me do sexual things to him. He would come over sometimes and just listen to music with me and talk to my mom, then he asked my mom if I could go to the store with him and he'll bring me home later, she said yes. I thought we were really going to the store, but he brought me to his house, no one was home and I asked what we were doing there, he said he knew my mom wouldn't let me go over to his house if she knew no one was home so he made up the story of us going to the store, I said ok and we just started watching T.V. He soon started touching me, then picked me up and brought me into his bedroom, I yelled for him to put me down but he didn't, he started kissing me and pulling my pants off, I screamed for him to stop but he said "No, it's ok" and I knew right then that he was going to rape me. I screamed on the top of my lungs for him to stop, he knew I was serious and stopped. I got up and walked home, I haven't talked to him since. At first I used to miss his company, because I felt I had nothing else. Then I thought of all the wrong things he didn to me and knew I was making the right choice.
The only person who has stood by me through this whole process, is my current boyfriend. He has been my best friend since kindergarten. He hated both abusers and offered many times to talk to them and to get me out of the situation. After I stopped contact with both abusers he would come over and just hangout with me, he would take me to movies and dinner and just to hangout with his friends, and didn't expect anything in return. My parents told me they thought he was a good guy and urged me to consider dating him. I didn't for a while because I was just not into having anymore boyfriends at the moment. He was perfectly fine with that, and he never stopped hanging out with me. I was amazed at how nice he was to me, and when I was ready, we slowly started a relationship. Nothing changed at first, he didn't even kiss me until we were both ready. Now, both seniors in high school, we have since been going out for over a year and he has NEVER pressured me to do anything. I feel bad because my past has scared me into many things. I can't trust people and am often very negative. I get scared because I'm afraid he's going to turn on me and become abusive. I have emotional issues, I don't cry or hardly have any compassion towards people who are hurting. My boyfriend says it is my defensive wall to keep from getting hurt. I often can't tell him what I'm feeling because I'm afraid he'll look at me differently or tell me I'm wrong, like past boyfriends have. I can't even look him in the eye sometimes because I'm afraid he'll see me for the real broken person I am, and decide to leave me. I act like I don't care because it's easier to pretend like it doesn't bother me, than to face my feelings. He has often told me that I have been in abusive relationships and I should seek help, I tell him that it's not as bad as he thinks. I know I'm totally wrong, but my mind has been trained to think that I am overreacting and am making to big a deal out of it. I don't hate my abusers, because in some way I feel like I asked for it, or I was to weak to get out of it. My friends have tried to help me by making me look at the positive things in life rather than the negative, and I really am trying, but they do urge me to get real help, and I thought I could start here. I know this is extremely long, but I didn't think I should leave anything out. I know people are going to think I'm an immature 17 year old who doesn't know what she's talking about, but I felt that I needed to tell my story so maybe the answer will help other young girls. How can I start to trust people and be a positive person again? Thank you for your time I really appreciate it.
Answer You have to learn to recognize the signs of abuse which usually starts with verbal and mental abuse. This time with your current relationship you should begin to trust him since he's never pressured you to do anything or made you feel like you were less than a person. I would work on building the best qualities about yourself and some people have no idea what being abused feels like because they havent been there themselves to experience it. I was in two abusive relationships myself and it's awful along with being raped by a guy who I used to date that too made me think less of men and not trust anyone. It's hard to have someone who cares about you stand there and see all you've been through, but it sounds to me you have someone that your parents like and hopefully your friends like him too. All can do is love you and stand by you because it's a hard thing to deal with after having endured abuse for so long. Have you considered counseling? That might help you get back into trusting people and it will help you to work through your trust issues and applying that to your current relationship.
