Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 10/6/2008

Question
I am 21, he is 22, we've been together 3 and half years, and living together for a year and a half.  I have become very insecure and sad in the last year because of some events that have happened. About two years ago, I caught him looking at porn, and he was embarassed and ashamed and said that he did it to keep up with my sex drive.  He had told me since the beginning of our relationship that anyone who looked at porn simply didn't love their partner, and that it was disgusting. A few months later, I became insecure when he suddenly stopped spending time with me all together, slept in the other room, and put on his Myspace that he was single. I started snooping through his things, which I know is wrong, and found that he had written about wondering to himself if he was trying to "get somewhere" (sexually) with a mutual friend of ours.  He said he didn't mean it, and got really mad at me.  About four months later, and this was just by chance, not snooping, in one of his college binders he left open this whole journal entry writing about how he wants "real love" with someone "so good" who wasn't me. This time he said that he didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore, but didn't want to be with anyone else anyway. I was completely devastated emotionally by this point, I was too numb to break up with him even. Four months later, I had become really insecure by this point, I found porn on my computer that he tried to lie about and I broke up with him.   He told me he wasn't in love with me, that I am an unattractive, masculine whore that he only used ect. Later I found more writing about how he wants to be with someone that he truly loves, and that many times he feels that way.  He told me that he never means any of those things he said, he just said it because he's mad, and that if he didn't want to be with me, obviously we wouldn't be together. He says just to forget about it, he didn't mean it, and move on because obviously he loves me. He thinks there's something wrong and animalistic about sex, so we never have sex anymore either.  I'm insecure every day.  I try to be happy, but I can't stop thinking about these things.  It's starting  to bother him, and he gets mad sometimes if I bring it up, because no matter what he says, it can't take away what he's done.  I feel like I can't trust him, though I want to. My only defense is that these actions turned into a pattern that he tried to hide from me.  I don't want to feel this way- what should I do?

Answer
Joanna,

So since you were 17 you have been looking for love, and putting up with much disrespect.

The person you start sleeping with at seventeen isn't necessarily the person you would want for a life companion.  Same goes for the man.  The question is why would this young woman, barely out of childhood, be in a sexual relationship, and settling down, like wife and husband, with a boyfriend.  An why, despite all evidence that he wants to move on with his life, would this young woman keep hanging on as though her entire life is rooted in this young man?

The answers I believe can be found in your relationship with those who took care of you.  If you had an emotionally healthy relationship with the folks at home, you would be feeling emotionally strong, all now; and never sell your dignity for a chance to be in this young man's sphere of influence.

Your problem is not this young man.  He is free to do what he wants with his time, and his life.  His choices are his, whether or not you like them. And your choices are yours.  Is this how you want to live the rest of your life -- being insulted and when you won't leave, having the man apologizing?  

Take time to become reacquainted with your past, the stories of your past, and the people in those stories.  Reconnect with your mother, if you can, and let her tell you your childhood stories.  Forgive the folks who brought you up, for any resentment you feel towards them.

Right now you are unhappy and tight.  Get in some daily physical exercise; learn to laugh again, and smile.  Open up your soul to be nurtured by the life-sustaining energies all around.  Refrain from holding on to another as though your survival depended on them.

Dr. ES