AboutDana Q Expertise I can give advice regarding emotionally and verbally abusive relationships, including recognizing the warning signs, understanding the psychology of the abuser, getting out of an abusive relationship, and breaking the cycle of abuse.
Experience I am a survivor of an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood. I also was involved in an emotionally and verbally abusive romantic relationship as an adult, a relationship which I ended. I am now happily married to my husband of 4 years, with whom I have a healthy, non-abusive relationship.
Education/Credentials Two B.A. degrees in Literature and French
Question I am 21, he is 22, we've been together 3 and half years, and living together for a year and a half. I have become very insecure and sad in the last year because of some events that have happened. About two years ago, I caught him looking at porn, and he was embarassed and ashamed and said that he did it to keep up with my sex drive. He had told me since the beginning of our relationship that anyone who looked at porn simply didn't love their partner, and that it was disgusting. A few months later, I became insecure when he suddenly stopped spending time with me all together, slept in the other room, and put on his Myspace that he was single. I started snooping through his things, which I know is wrong, and found that he had written about wondering to himself if he was trying to "get somewhere" (sexually) with a mutual friend of ours. He said he didn't mean it, and got really mad at me. About four months later, and this was just by chance, not snooping, in one of his college binders he left open this whole journal entry writing about how he wants "real love" with someone "so good" who wasn't me. This time he said that he didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore, but didn't want to be with anyone else anyway. I was completely devastated emotionally by this point, I was too numb to break up with him even. Four months later, I had become really insecure by this point, I found porn on my computer that he tried to lie about and I broke up with him. He told me he wasn't in love with me, that I am an unattractive, masculine whore that he only used ect. Later I found more writing about how he wants to be with someone that he truly loves, and that many times he feels that way. He told me that he never means any of those things he said, he just said it because he's mad, and that if he didn't want to be with me, obviously we wouldn't be together. He says just to forget about it, he didn't mean it, and move on because obviously he loves me. He thinks there's something wrong and animalistic about sex, so we never have sex anymore either. I'm insecure every day. I try to be happy, but I can't stop thinking about these things. It's starting to bother him, and he gets mad sometimes if I bring it up, because no matter what he says, it can't take away what he's done. I feel like I can't trust him, though I want to. My only defense is that these actions turned into a pattern that he tried to hide from me. I don't want to feel this way- what should I do?
Answer Hi Joanna,
Thanks for writing to me. You can't feel like you trust him for a reason. He is a liar. He has lied to you repeatedly about his sexual needs (that was a line about porn being disgusting - most men like porn to some degree, unless they have strong religious objections to it), his ability to be faithful to you, and now about loving you. The only one he loves is himself. A person who truly loved you would not be trying to have sex with a mutual friend of yours. Period. You don't need this guy in your life; he is only making you feel insecure and dragging down your self-esteem. Please end this now before he drags you down any further; you don't deserve to be treated this way.
