AboutDr.Sunu Sundar Expertise I can answer questions related to sexually abusive relationships in families.
I can effectively deal with victims of abusive relationship. I am also efficient in dealing with child abuse and incest.
I am here to help others who have questions related to above said issues.
Experience I have been a dealing with victims of sexual abuse since 2000.I have dealt with many teenagers who suffered abusive relationships. Listening to victims of incest and child sexual abuse has made me a better counsellor in dealing with these issues.
Publications I have been writing on psychological issues in a Tamil monthly magazine called 'KULANTHAIGAL PARALUMANTAM'
Education/Credentials I have a Master degree in Psychology. I also have another Master degree in Sociology. I have taken intense training from the Jesuits for seven years in the field of Personality, Self, Discipline and Morality.
Question I have been married for a year now to a man I have known and been in love with for almost 6 years. We are both 25 years of age. He was very sweet for about one year after we fell in love after which he started controlling me in small ways such as asking me to not go out with my friends and that I should return at a particular time, or phone him at a particular time. (we were both in different colleges in different states, and we mostly contacted each other via mail and phone calls). I did not attach a lot of importance to these matters, thinking he was just being over protective and possessive.
Finally, we got married last year. My parents were against the marriage, since his family didn’t have a good reputation - his father is an alcohol addict, mother is paralyzed, father himself is a wife beater etc etc etc. But finally, my parents gave in because of my insistence.
After marriage, problems between me and my husband escalated. From the second day, we used to fight for reasons that didn’t even merit an argument. He would get angry with me if my parents called me, if I show affection towards anyone in his family, when my mother reminded me about extending my marriage leave etc. But nobody was aware of what was going on because he behaved very well to my folks. Finally, after staying together for around 40 days, he went to his work place in Dubai and I went to Hyderabad where I was employed. I was pregnant at the time. Then, he came on a surprise day visit after 4 months and fought with me when I said I may not get leave. Then, when I got a wrong number call on my cell, he accused me that it was my boyfriend and said I should stop “such relationships especially since I was going to be a mother”.
He came back to India for good after a few months. I was on maternity leave at the time. Things were fine till after the child was born. He would fight with me for trivial reasons and then threaten to divorce me, and take my child away. The frequency of fights increased, and my parents became aware of what was going on. He started insulting me in front of his parents, saying I am immoral etc. Finally we went to Hyderabad along with my baby and a maid so that I could continue with my work but we lasted together only for one week. I went to office on a Monday, and my phone was engaged when he called me. I was talking to my parents. When I came home, he checked my call records, but I had deleted the records because he didn’t like my parents calling me regularly and they had called me around 3-4 times that day. He said I had deleted the records because someone else had called me and why did my parents call me so much anyway. We fought that day, I was asked to sleep on the floor. I went to office the next day, he started drinking from the morning. When I came back, he started hitting me cruelly. He slapped me, kicked me, tried to hit me with brass objects, did not allow me breast feed my baby etc. this went on for 3 hours, but because my servant kept intervening, I was saved. Finally he called up my parents, and hit me so that they could hear it. Realizing things were bad, they called up relatives in Hyderabad and they came and took me and baby away.
We have now filed for divorce not only because he beat me, but also because after these incidents, he has been calling my entire family and saying lots of insulting things about me mostly relating to sex. He tried every thing he could to show me in bad light. We had to go for counseling in family court, where he was begging me to go back to him. The counselor said we have to see a psychologist since my husband had some personality disorder problem, and he readily came with me, and said he was willing to do anything to get me back. At the time, I was very shocked with everything he had done and said, and attended the sessions only because it was part of court procedure. I haven’t been in contact with him after that. But now I wonder whether what he did is a conscious act, whether it is my duty to try to get him in a better state of mind, and whether counseling would do us any good. My parents are dead against me living with him again especially because he insulted all of us and he could be dangerous to me.
I know you will tell me that the decision is mine, but I truly value your opinion. What should I do, do you think he really wants to make things better or is his willingness to get treatment just an excuse to get me back, and to keep in touch with me. Should I really give him another chance? Does he deserve it? From what I read, I think his willingness to get treatment is a good sign.
I am financially independent, and my baby is five months old now. I am living with my parents away from our own home near my work place. My parents look after my child when I go to office. I am asking you this because it is painful to think of my husband and me being total strangers one day. I think I still love him. But that doesn’t mean I will do anything stupid for him.
Please help me.
Answer Dear Indu,
Greetings.
I appreciate your long and detailed mail. I very well could understand your 'inner plight' from the lines you mailed me.
Your parents stand on separation is worth considering.
However...................
.....Before I guide you through serious mind explorations, I deem it indispensable to have a few things cleared for me.
1)How long have you been away from your husband(filed divorce)
2)What is the profession/area of work of your husband?
3) Tell me a few lines about your husband's eating and sleeping habits?
