AboutNafeesah Expertise I can answer just about anything on abusive relationships, but I can't give legal advice on how to get out of one that's something you need to speak with a counselor trained and certified to deal with domestic violence issues to get resources in pursuing legal recourse.
Experience I have been in abusive relationships and I have shared my experience in helping others to get out of these types of relationships. I was in two abusive relationships one lasting nearly 2 years and the other just over 5 years.
Education/Credentials Associates degree, bachelors degree, and I am a certified nursing assistant
Question QUESTION: I was a single mother till quite recently my baby's daddy entered the picture. We met on a telephone chat-line for an intimate encounter, well I got pregnant and moved away. After 2 years of being alone & single with my baby and not talking with him (the father) we out-of-the-blue started talking again online and I felt like maybe he's "The One"(I've been searching for, feeling lonely) considering he could have stayed away but instead he want's to know me (us). So now we've been together for 5 short months and when I try asking about his past he'll get defensive, give me the finger and tell me to f**k off. I know this is emotional abuse an I have told him that what he's doing is really hurting me, I am unable to talk to him about my feelings, my thoughts because I've been suffering from depression and he say's "That's your problem, get over it yourself". He is very very disrespectful, inconsiderate and uncompromising. I know I don't love him but for our baby I am trying so hard to overlook his faults and help him as much as I am helping myself, but he makes it impossible. Last night he tried to get physical (Hitting my legs, spitting in my face, holding me down)and now I am a little afraid of him. He's said he's sorry and says I deserve someone better than him, but why do I feel so confused and guilty when I've only known him for a short time? Is he just as depressed as I am?
ANSWER: Please pay attention to that one sentence in your question "I deserve better than him"....this guy is admitting to being a loser. Plus he's devaluing and discounting your thoughts, feelings, and opinions. You do in fact deserve better and next time you date someone don't meet them on party lines they're not worth the time wasted. I wouldnt meet anyone off a phone chat line. I would put up an ad on a personals site that's known to have a success rate of people dating so you'll know what you're not going to deal with. If he's abusing you the next thing he'll aim for is the kid which is something that you need to be protecting since he's not suited for being a father. I would strip him of his parental rights and move on it's clear this guy isnt going to change and you deserve more than some dillweed beating on you and doing vulgar nasty stuff like spitting on you. I know this fool doesnt treat his mama the way he treats you. It's time to cut this fool loose and moving on with your life and begin to have things in order for your child's sake.
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QUESTION: The answer I got was telling me basically everything I know but tried so hard to deny (so I sincerely thank you), it hurts so much when you care and love someone when they are actually the one that hurts you the most. I believe the response I recieved is true, smart and as of now I am away from the father but now I feel so alone and a little guilty for not giving him a chance to prove himself? He did tell me he was once a nice guy(after admitting over and over he is an ass/jerk) but he said being a nice guy has always screwed him over, he was always getting hurt, betrayed or worse. I know he can be an ass (it was a first for me to see it) but I also know there is some good in him (he carved our names into a tree, he took me to movies, ALWAYS cuddles with me even if I'm trying to be mad at him), after all the trouble he's been through he's just afraid to let it show too much. I really do care about him and want to help him, is there a way I can get through to him without going over-board? I have asked him to go to anger management and he told me he's afraid to be too nice in chance of getting screwed over...again, his family is the same way (rude, mean, inconsiderate) and he did also say he hates it when people try to change him; how can I convince him that the way he's acting and treating me isn't working and like it or not he does have to change? (For Us, for his new little family). I want to help him so badly, I feel I can't just give up on him like almost everyone else in his life has in the past; he's only 26 years old and as far as I know been living like this forever; is it too late? Should I just let go and give up on him?
Answer Your boyfriend is a product of his upbringing if he grew up acting rude mean and inconsiderate then that's how he's been programmed to think. There maybe good in him, but still this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. The thing is you can't help him and that's hard for a woman who's idea of helping him may wind up enabling him making him more abusive. I would suggest that you give him an ultimatum that he has to go through so much time in therapy and you have to see changes and give yourself a time line that the moment you see things have not changed you need to leave and this time for good no going back, no rationalizing and telling yourself I could just help him again, there is no rationalizing you need to put your foot down and handle your buisness.
