AboutNafeesah Expertise I can answer just about anything on abusive relationships, but I can't give legal advice on how to get out of one that's something you need to speak with a counselor trained and certified to deal with domestic violence issues to get resources in pursuing legal recourse.
Experience I have been in abusive relationships and I have shared my experience in helping others to get out of these types of relationships. I was in two abusive relationships one lasting nearly 2 years and the other just over 5 years.
Education/Credentials Associates degree, bachelors degree, and I am a certified nursing assistant
Question QUESTION: I have been married for 2 months now. Mine was a arranged marrraige.I stayed in india while my hubby in US. We used to chat with each other to understand each other before marraige. we did this for 6 months. Initailly he sounded very nice and a caring person. After few months of chat i realised that he is a very rude guy. Doesnt care about anybody's feelings. But i thought that, as he has been staying here alone for so many years he might have been like this. But once we get married he will be fine. I left my job , my family and my friends and came with him to US. Now, he is a completely changed person. He doesnt allow me to speak anythign to him. He says i speak silly. He says he speaks only when he wants to speak. Whenevr i ask him anything, he asks me to shut my mouth. Im a really bubbly person, loves to talk. But this person is exact opposite. There are a lot of things which i dont like in him.
1. whenever we have a argument, He tells me that he will kick me outof the house and if im lying in the street without any food or anythign also he wont care.
2. He doesnt give me any money. I dont have a phone here. He has just given me laptop with internet connetion. (he told me days back that he will even take of the laptop from me as it is hisproperty) and told me that it will be like a jail to me. Witout nay communication from outside world. I have no idead what needs to be done.
3. He is a very stingy person. He doesnt allow me to put the clothes in washing machine, as we need 2$ for it. He asks me to wear the dirty clothes for 15 days .
4. iniatially when i came here, he asked me to eat all rotten things, as he doesnt want to waste money. He earns alot, but i dont know y he does this to me.
Im getting very depressed here. Im staying away from my fmaily. He gets pissed off coz the speak to my parents everyday on gtalk. I speak only for 2 hrs maximum. He doesnt want me to speak to my parents. He treats me very badly here. Verbally abuses me. I dont know what to do.
I have tired many times to work on this relationship. I asked him to give soem tiem toour relationship like 2 to 3 mnths. He said "who are u to give me time, If u want leave the house right now". And he says that he wont pay for my air ticket. if i have to go home i need to ask my parents to pay for it. I dont even have a penny here. I cant work also as im on dependant visa.
I think i dont deserve to be in this relationship. From a week he is not talking to me and not eating anythign which i have cooked. I ahve thought of given sometime before deciding about what to do.
Please let me know what to do. Im in big trouble here.
ANSWER: The problem with arranged marriages is that there's that possibility of the husband becoming abusive. I would consider the fact that it seems like this was more about pleasing the standards of your culture than what you really want. If your husband is mistreating you and has you living in India and he's in the United States. If you feel like you're not being treated fairly I would call your parents and ask them to send a ticket for you to leave because it seems you have more freedom in the states than you do in India. I am a staunch opponent to arranged marriages because of the deep implications they cause and almost half the time the woman isnt happy she's treated like property and abuse is almost evident. What mother wants to know that her daughter is being mistreated by her husband or boyfriend. This guy seems like he's an unsuitable match for you. I would utilize the internet and contact your parents because the only way you can get out of this is with their help and ask them not to contact your husband because he'll make up some lie saying nothing's wrong to cover up how he's treating you. Men from foreign countries tend to dislike outside interference and many like women as yourself the subserviant types, but you're wanting out of this because you don't feel like you're being treated well. Contact your parents and see what you can do if not you're still an American citizen you can contact the American embassy and ask what your options are since you are a legal citizen. See if that will work for you.
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QUESTION: Hi nafeesah,
Thanks for your response. Do you think it is worth giving 2 to 3 months of time to our relationship. Should i see if he changes. By the way i have given lot of chances like this. He comes and speaks to me sweetly at that moment. But the very next day he behaves the same. Please let me know. My family and friends tell that it is very early to make a decision. Im in great confusion. I can anytime ask my parents to make my tickets.
Answer Here's my question to you were you prepared for this marriage? What details did you learn about this man? These are things to think about and if you've given a lot of chances and saw no changes it's time to make some decisions. Plus if he's coming to you all nice and sweet that's how many abusers keep their victims through mental and even physical manipulation.If you've been married for a few months and started seeing the abuse it's time to leave because the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. I would go back home to your family and this time if they want to match you with someone let it be someone you're allowed to date for some time before you look at marrying him so you can see what you need to see before you settle down. You're seeing the early signs of abuse which leads to physical abuse as time goes on if you stay in this relationship any longer. This is not a healthy thing to stay in and women who deal with this are twice likely to develop abuse-induced depression. Your happiness is more important than family values you want to be with someone who is going to treat you right and is going to give you what you need in a healthy marriage.
