Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 10/16/2008

Question
I dated a man in the past for about 6 years.  We broke up and were apart for almost 4 years but remained in touch throughout the entire 4 years.  Always friends, no matter if we were dating others.  Now all these years later we have started spending time together again in a more intimate way.

However, my gut tells me I am just being used as the woman he spends time with while he looks for the "one".  

I purposefully try not to call him, I let him be the one to initiate things.  He calls me and asks me to spend the weekend with him, spend evenings with him etc.  When we are together we are intimate, he holds my hand when we are out in public, and holds me while we are sleeping.  However, I know for a fact that he is out there seeking others, calling them, emailing them etc.

While that is okay for us both as we are not exclusive, he illuded to a friend that I am the "bird in the bush".  That he enjoys spending time with me, but he continues to look for the one he would want a relationship with.

I am working really hard to spend time with him, know I am not the "one" he wants to be with long term, and keep my heart open to meeting someone myself.

What makes a guy do this?  Why does he want to spend so much time with me, have so much history with me, yet basically he is just using me while he looks for someone else??

I wish things were different, we have such a long history together, but for some reason he just wants me to be there when he has no one else.  And I am trying to make sure that I understand this is all it is, enjoy time with him and keep my options open to move on myself when the time is right.

Please help me make some sense of this.  

Answer
Susan,
I don't know what makes a man do this -- hang around with a person he evidently has feelings for, but at the same time, not wanting to commit to a relationship with her.

Could it be, I wonder, that you come too easily?  Look, you understand the dynamics in this relationship, yet, you put yourself out to be there for this man.  When you do not think too highly of yourself it is difficult for another to  commit to you.  Who would they be committing to?  When you are uncomfortable in your own skin, you do not present a sense of flesh and blood presence to the other person; rather you are more like a shell.  How can the man relate to a shell?

Your problem is not the man.  Your problem is that you have a poor sense of your worth; you esteem yourself too little.

This thing you are doing -- being with a man till you meet the right person, how does it prepare you for a stable, loving relationship?  I suggest you find a counselor, and let them help you work through your life.  Meanwhile look up on the Internet any articles on self-love.  You cannot love another until you first have love for self.
Blessings.
Dr. ES