AboutDana Q Expertise I can give advice regarding emotionally and verbally abusive relationships, including recognizing the warning signs, understanding the psychology of the abuser, getting out of an abusive relationship, and breaking the cycle of abuse.
Experience I am a survivor of an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood. I also was involved in an emotionally and verbally abusive romantic relationship as an adult, a relationship which I ended. I am now happily married to my husband of 4 years, with whom I have a healthy, non-abusive relationship.
Education/Credentials Two B.A. degrees in Literature and French
Question Hi,
I need to know if i have done the right thing. I just asked my husband of 3.5 years to leave and go to his mother's for a while. I don't know how long.
I am truly heartbroken because our relationship was such a good one in the beginning. I'v known him for seven years and we have been married these past three. Let me also add that we are a mixed family: my husband is italian, i am american, and we have a two year old boy. we live in italy.
I started noticing some problems when i was about 7 months pregnant. He would always go out, and leave me home alone. He had friends who were single or divorced and spent a lot of time with them, or he would go fishing, but he was rarely home. Those last few months of pregnancy were hard, i felt so alone. Of course, i thought when the baby was born, he would want to spend more time at home, or at least with us, but it was almost the opposite. And he would often find excuses for not being able to help out, saying he wasn't capable or practiced. (and his mother would always agree "yes it just isn't his thing") my in laws live on the other side of the wall from us, so they are always in the middle of things, and he often goes to their place to watch t.v. or relax.
eventually, i let him have it, explained my feelings and said he needed to make us a priority in his life "or else". i was so depressed at that point, and so detatched from him, i really would have left. i just think of my son, and how difficult it would be, especially if i went back to america.
anyway, things were pretty o.k. for a bit, but now i am noticing the frequent fighting and yelling. it seems he doesn't want to help out at all, or if he does, he sees it as a chore, and a burden. sometimes, he gets so mean, and calls names and really screams at me. once he threw a clock on the ground. i have on occassion screamed back and become aggressive, but i hate that i did that, and don't want to become that person.
he is very edgy when he is hungry or is awaken abruptly from sleep. recently he has told me to "F off" and to leave him alone just because he was hungry. and last night, after many sleepless nights (baby and i both have been sick and not sleeping) i saw him awake in our bedroom, and said "i can't hardly stay awake any more, could you watch the baby just for an hour?" he said he would but that i had to go to bed and not tell him what to do, and he said it very annoyed. i told him if it was a problem, i would do it, to forget about it. well, he flipped, called me names and said some other things, then said it was my fault for making him mad.
the other day, he was invited to go out with friends, but the baby was sick, so i said "why don't you just go". and he said he felt he should stay with the baby and with me, or we both could go out and leave the baby with his mom. i hesitated for a minute then said i would rather be with him because he had a fever and was very irritable. he told me it was my fault, that i couldn't keep changing plans, that i couldn't mess up people's schedules, and that he would just call and cancel. (in the end, he went) i think he was trying to make it my fault that he couldn't go out, and trying to cover his guilt for wanting to go out. sometimes he says there is something "wrong with my head".
i don't want my baby seeing this crap. it started to happen two weeks ago, and i said told him to quit or i would have to find "another solution" (leave). well, it happened again this week more than once, and yesterday i told him to get out. i am so disappointed in him, and so offended. i truly have no good feelings left for him. is the only answer seperation and divorce here?
thanks in advance,
ellie
Answer Hi Ellie,
Thanks for writing to me. Something is definitely very wrong here, and I think you did the right thing by asking your husband to leave. This is not someone who wants to be a husband or father. He has abusive tendencies as well. While I could recommend counseling as a possible solution, something tells me that your husband simply doesn't want to function in the roles he has chosen here. I don't know that counseling can help with that. You are right to worry about the baby growing up in this environment, as the abuse will no doubt continue and possibly transfer to your son as he gets older. I think it would be best to consider divorce. As tough as it will be to be a single parent, it's even tougher to raise a child in an unhealthy environment with no help from your spouse. You and your son will be better off without your husband.
