Expert: Nafeesah - 10/3/2008

Question
I have been in a relationship with a man for seven years. I met him when I was 15, dated him for 3 years and married him when I was 18. I am now 22 and he is 5 years older than me. In the beginning of the relationship I thought he was a good man, however looking back I realize that there were always signs. About a year before we married, he became abusive, physically, emotionally, financially, and verbally. This behavior continued until I left him a year after we married. We lived apart for 3 years on and off( and if you're familiar with the cycle of abuse you pretty much know how it went. He would hit me(that was always the catalyst, I never left because of verbal or emotional abuse ) I would leave, he would apologize, cajole and threaten until I went back to him, things would be good for a while, until I would inevitably do something to set him off and the cycle began again. The present reconciliation has gone a little different, though. For the past 18 months or so, my husband has not been hitting me he does however still push me occasionally, he pinches me when he is upset and is just generally very disrespectful of my personal space. I am not really sure if this is abuse or if I am just being uptight because of the past. He says he wants to work things out but recently I have notice a disturbing change in myself. I have very strong negative feelings toward him, I can only describe as hate. As you can imagine this is making interaction very difficult. I feel as if it is eating me alive. However for some reason I cannot bring myself to leave. Is this a sign that I really don't hate him? Do you think that with proper counseling and hard work we can make it work, or should I cut and run. PLEASE HELP !!! I am miserable and I know that one way or another I can't go on like this.

Answer
If he's still pushing you that's still abuse, if he's pinching you and is disrespecting your space and belongings it's abuse. Abusers are conniving pricks when it comes to manipulation. Staying only makes abuse worse you can do better than some man who's idea of holding on to you is to use intimidation, manipulation, and threats to make you stay. Part of the problem is marrying young can actually increase the level of abuse in women. You don't hate your husband, but what woman is going to stay with someone who's idea of love is to beat you senseless and telling you you're nothing and worthless? I would still get out of this relationship because just because things are fine now doesnt mean he'll start that mess right back up again only this time it could mean your life can be in danger. You should get out while you still have your life and to make a new start with someone who won't abuse and mistreat you. You deserve a healthy relationship where it's not full of abuse.