AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question QUESTION: I am in a weird situation...
My old best friend from grade 2 (we were inseparable) found me on facebook. well I moved in with this guy after only knowing him again for 6 weeks. He treated me like gold and was a great guy. I was on cloud nine. I left an abusive husband and was just amazed at how well this guy treated me.
Well 6 weeks after we moved in we started to fight every three days. He would say alot of hurtful and abusive things. Then it escalated to physical abuse. I finally had enough and told him that we are done and he needs help.
He has seeked this help but within the last year he has made me feel like crap about my two kids that live with my ex. He won't even make an attempt to befriend them and only complains about them when I have them over. so I stopped having them over to my house. I also have two that live with me and he does nothing but complain about my oldest, who incidentally hates him very much because of the way he treats me. She says that he treats me like I am a baby and like I am a child.
So in the last summery I discovered that he was going out with his friends and flirting and picking up women. While I was at home...he would leave at 7am and not return until 11pm or later. I was really hurting then as well.
This past week has been pretty bad as well...at the beginning of the week I didn't answer my cell phone and he got really pissy about it asking why I am not answering the phone, I told him that I sometimes leave it downstairs, or I am in the shower or I have run across the street to daycare. He said that he feels that I am cheating when I don't answer my phone. and that I used to answer my phone all the time. He expects me to answer my phone to his every call. He said that he won't get jealous he will just leave. I was horrified at this.
Then he gets really upset when I speak to my ex or have to make arrangements with him because he thinks I am going to go back to him. Well in this scenario the tables have turned because he used to go over to his ex's house to visit his son and then take her and the boy out for breakfast.
Plus he looks at porn EVERYDAY and when I ask him about it he says for me to deal with it because he is a guy and that's what guys do. Well it makes me feel like crap because I do have stretch marks and I am not ugly by any means but I do have a low self confidence and him looking at naked women everyday kind of bothers me. Plus our sex life in the last two weeks has sucked really bad!!
So last night he calls me and he's like oh what are you doing I told him that I was about to take a bath. He was like "why" I told him that my back hurt. He was like is there ever a day that you aren't in pain...you are so negative. I was like wow um ya there are days when I am not in pain. I do have quite a few issues and didn't realize that I was complaining alot about it. So we had an hour long conversation when he got home...more of me being a bad person and how I complain to much and there is so much negativity. I told him that he isn't exactly mr. positive and he got irritated with that and told him that this is not about him it's about me. It's always about me and how I am not living up to his standards. I cried for over an hour and then barely slept last night. People at work have told me that I look terrible today.
My friends are all worried about me. There is so much more that I am not telling you. I have been dealing with this for over a year but have only just recently realized that this is possibly abuse.
He told me to see a doctor because I need help...he did it so I can't I. He is bipolar and is on two different kinds of medication...his moods seemed to be better, at least the physical abuse is over with however the hot and cold and up and down and crap is overwhelming.
One day he is really wanting to be with me and the next not at all...or he's very distant.
One more example...I have been going to my son's football games every sunday for about two months now. This past weekend he asked that I stay home with him so he can actually have a full weekend with his girlfriend. So I lied to my son and my ex and told them that I wouldn't be able to make it. I sacrificed once again for this guy. Well saturday we watched movies all day...and sunday (game day) he sat on the computer for most of the day...watched 1 movie with me and then made plans with his mom and step dad.
I don't honestly know what to do anymore...because we live together and he makes so much more than me I feel trapped. I don't want to move my girls again because they are really happy where they are..and I do care about this guy. I have given my whole heart to him only be have been stomped on. I am crying all the time now and just don't know how to cope. Am I the one that needs help?? Am I in the wrong??
ANSWER: Lisa,
I just read your assessment of my response, then I went back to my response to see why you would feel as you do. And yes, I could see how my response could sound unsupportive, to one removed from face to face interaction with me. Words by themselves don't always convey the tone the one communicating, means to convey.
While penning my response to you, I briefly at one point, wondered if my concern that you realize that nothing would change unless you make it change, would be taken as harshness, or negative confrontation.
You asked, is this mental abuse? The answer is, yes.
But if I understand you correctly, you want more than that answer. You want to live! You want to be happy! You want to be in a relationship in which you feel comfortable, respected, trusted. And you are asking how to get there? Was this the unspoken, or unwritten question?
Lisa, and I am saying this kindly, you are the only one who can make these things happen for you. I am not here to hurt you, not here to blame and shame you. I am not getting paid for doing this. I respond to you only because I care. Recently, I returned two letters to the general pool; I chose to respond to yours. So, as kindly as I can, let me say this, your experience results from the way you think. My experience results from the way I think. I have had some lousy experiences, but once I became aware that I was creating those because of how I felt about myself, which influenced how I looked at life, with much prayer, and alertness, I gradually changed the way I feel about myself, and therefore the way I perceive life.
Your relationship with this man could work, but only when you become the person who would no longer be bothered by what now bothers you; only when you could allow whatever triggers you off now, to be, and not be bothered. Because he is not going to change unless he feels he has to. People do not change to please us. People have spent their lives adjusting to the way they are. They are not going to change to please us.
Sorry for any hurt you feel from what perhaps was the 'rawness' of my first response. But don't throw away that copy. Keep it, to look at another day, when you might see it differently.
And to reply to a question you did not ask, would life get any better for you with this man? It could. He would have to be on medications, and be responsible about self management. And you would need to know how to live with a person with bipolar. There are such support groups.
And finally, is there any work you should be doing with yourself?
Let me answer this this way...all living things grow. We are here to grow. Practice looking at how you feel, how you behave when you feel that way, and how others in the environment, respond to your behavior.
If there is a gap between how you are living and how deep inside you want to live, know that you are the only person who could close that gap.
Your work starts with making a habit of speaking truth to your sense of worth. "I am a good enough person, thank you, God."
The main cause of our pain in relationships, is how we feel about ourselves, our self-concept.
You might not like the way you do some things; you may not like to recall some of the things you have said; you may not like to recall some of the mistakes you have made, or you may hate the way you feel about yourself; but none of this diminishes your worth. You are intrinsically precious; intrinsically good enough.
As you come to accept these truths about yourself, your feelings will change, your self-talk would change, and your daily life experiences would eventually change.
Dr. ES
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Lisa,
To answer your question, directly, yes, you are the one that needs help. Why do I say this? Because you are the one reaching out to me. I cannot help a person who does not reach out to me.
Your experience, Lisa, is YOUR responsibility You are the mother of these girls. You are the mother of that boy you lied to. And, you made the choice to be with these men who you claim have both abused you. You even made the choice to be with a man whose mood swings up and down because he is ill.
Evidently you feel you need someone to support you. It is not easy being a parent; especially when you want the best for your children and feel inadequate to provide for them without the help of a man. Right there you set yourself up for disrespect, and set up your children's lives for the see-saw kind of reality.
No point going over the details of what this man does or does not do. Thorns prick; fire burns; rain falls. dogs bark, birds chirp; distressed people distress; emotionally ill people generate problems -- for themselves and for those they live with. That is the reality.
Going over the kinds of problems, or the details of what they do, is a waste of time and your God-given energy.
Your problems come with you. What happened to you in the past to derail your sense of self worth? You were not born feeling inadequate. This is the consequence of the kind of upbringing you had. Do you have issues you need to sort out with your parents? What are you running from confronting? What aches are you carrying within you? Look how quickly you moved in with a man you had not seen since childhood.
Look how easily. Why is it so hard for you? You will always be in aches and pains if your heart is hurting. What is really the problem, Lisa? Confront it. You would not break. Do not allow yourself to melt. Face the problem and deal with it. Where did you learn the lie that you are incapable of taking care of yourself and your children without the help of a man? Yes, the children's parents -- both father and mother, should make taking care of them, a priority; but if one parent cops out, the other parent must stand firm in their strength, and with integrity and honor take care of the children.
A bipolar person has to take responsibility for their health and behavior. They have to follow whatever regimen would allow them to function as optimally as possible. If the man in your life is not responsibly taking care of himself, the chemical imbalance in his brain could result in behavior distressing to himself and those around him. That is how it is.
Lisa, within you is a still, small voice, calling you back from running away from yourself. Pray. Let go of the blaming. Take responsibility for the life you have built so far, for yourself, and for your children. Soon the children get tired of depending on the experiences distressed parents create, and then they go out to make their own life. Give them something to hold on to when they go out. Take them to a religious community while they are still with you. Let them learn of God; let them learn to have faith; let them find an anchor for themselves in the development of their character; something they could build on as they grow older. But give them something positive.
You are not a bad person because of the choices you have made. You are just like the rest of us. We are all trying to find our way through this life. But some of us are given more challenges. It all depends on how much damage we sustained as we traveled to where we are. The more damage we sustained, the greater the work we have to do to reach back to that place of inner balance.
I recommend that you find a supportive community for you and your children. Right now, I can think only of a church community. Meanwhile, pray, right where you are. Ask for guidance for you and your children. And think of the character traits that make for a good person. Teach, and model, those traits to your children.
The fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. Call on me, is the promise, and I will answer. And the I here, means God. Right where you are, instead of drowning in distress, cry out to God, Pray, "God, guide me!" Keep on repeating that, while you take responsibility for living right, for behaving in the way you know makes for right conduct. Your children need at least one good example, they could follow. You be that example.
Dr. ES
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QUESTION: I just wanted to say thank you.
And you are right I do want to live happy and be respected and loved the way that I should be! I know that I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence and I want to build that up. Just don't know how I guess and with this man he seems to knock me down but then try and build me back up. I get really confused with him.
Answer Lisa, the internet has lots of help for us. Google the term, codependent relationships. Look for the site entitled, Joy U Me. Read everything you get there. Google also, building self esteem. And read.
Read, pray, and practice positive self talk (thank you, God, I am good enough; thank you, I am important; thank you, I am somebody special; thank you, I am competent; thank you, I am strong; thank you, I am courageous, etc.).
And watch the cues that indicate you are about to present yourself in a way you don't like. For example, how do you feel before you display low self esteem; what happens to your throat; what happens to the palms of your hands, how do your muscles feel; what thoughts run through your mind. Observe the cues that precede another mis-representation of who you are.
Become aware of all the cues, and stop yourself from going there again.
If you feel a weakness in the pit of your stomach, and the voice in your head is saying, "I am just a nobody", pause and pay attention to how you are feeling and what you are saying to yourself. Pause, and decide how you want to present yourself. You are not a nobody. You feel this way because of what you have been subjected to in your past. The people who did this to you, had somebody who hurt them in their past. If they had felt better about themselves you would not have been affected the way you were affected.
This is why we must forgive and move on. Everybody has had their experience. Too many of us were hurt in childhood. The greater the hurt, the larger the work we must do to recover. You may not want to hear about God, but that is the power that is your life and your being; and by silently, in your soul, claiming guidance, you receive guidance. And you must also cry out silently for guidance of your children.
On the outside we smile and lift our energies. And if we feel like crying out, we do so to the power within. That is where our strength is.
So, your common law husband calls and you are about to complain, pause, and think. The more you assume a certain attitude, the easier it becomes to slip into that attitude. So think, "I am strong, intrinsically strong, thank you, God). Look about and find something to say thanks for. You could hear, be thankful. In this state of thankfulness, take time to listen to what your companion is saying. Tune into his feelings. Bring your voice tone level up. Make yourself sound upbeat. Give a surprise response, a genuine response that comes from having truly listened to him.
Everytime you lift your tone, you are contributing to the healing of the environment, and empowering yourself.
Truth is, you are a lovely, capable, caring, independent, strong woman. You only have to accept this truth and live it.
