AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I'm 15 years old and have (what I consider) serious problems with the way that I think.
I sometimes have nights where I can't see why I'm alive, what I'm trying to do and I blame myself for everything. My current boyfriend (nearly a year, he's truly great to me) doesn't seem to know what to do, but sometimes he's the one keeping me alive.
I had a boyfriend who broke up with me after 5.5 months of being 'disheartened' because I was too afraid to kiss him. I was in grade 8 at the time and it always felt like he was pushing. When he broke up with me, I was devastated. In 6 days I had a new boyfriend and was trying to make myself feel like my ex didn't matter.
I was with my 2nd boyfriend for 9 months. He had problems, I knew that, he was one of those people who would feel threatened by the smallest things. His Dad abused his Mum. His friends would act all tough, they used to fight a lot. I managed to stop him drinking, fighting, smoking and cut down his swearing a lot, too.
For the first 5 months, well, I'm not really sure if it's still counted as abuse, but if something happened to me, eg, a boy at school grabbed my chest, which I knew had been an accident, but I was still upset, when I told my boyfriend, he started crying, accusing me of cheating and I was even more upset because what reason did he have of feeling bad? If anything, he should have felt anger, annoyance, right? But he proceeded to cry about it and accuse me of cheating, which I had to baby him to stop crying and try to convince him I loved him.
At month 5 he started to yell at me. I asked him too because I figured it would be easier to break up with him if he was yelling. Unfortunately, that didn't work. He would yell and I would cry. He called every night, I had to be texting him from the moment I got home from school, til I fell asleep. Otherwise he would yell. I now have damage to my carpel tunnel because he wouldn't give me a break from texting. If I was typing a long message and didn't reply within about a minute, he would text me asking where I was.
The following months went along like that. People at school were thinking, "Oh how lovely! Look at what he buys you!" That made things worse, because every time he bought me something, if I ever did something wrong afterwards, he would tell me how long he 'suffered', going without lunches or a jacket through winter in order to pay for it. Most of what he told me about them was grossly overpriced.
I felt trapped. I knew I was being abused, I knew I wouldn't marry him even though he asked me. (He'd bought me an engagement and a wedding ring for my birthday) I hated him. I was sick of staying up late at night on a mobile trying to comfort him.
Month 8. It was too much, I was angry and I was tired. I told him I couldn't handle it, I told him I couldn't last much longer, I couldn't stand the fights. He started to promise he'd change. He would, he'd be extremely nice for 3 days and then we'd have a massive fight and we were back where we started. I tried to get him help, but he always acted as though he was ok. He didn't want help.
I broke up with him when I found out one of my best friends liked me. While hating my 2nd boyfriend, I had spilled everything to a boy in one of my classes. Although I had liked him the whole year, I had told myself that liking him was cheating.
My ex had a new girlfriend, who conveniently went to my school and was the same grade. (Two years younger than him.) She and him would call me, threaten to bash me up. At school she would pretend to be my friend, coming up to where I sat at lunch time, trying to fit in with us. Honestly, I'd never seen her before this. She kept trying to 'help me' during the day while no one else could see what she was doing at night, She blamed me for breaking up with him when if I hadn't she wouldn't have him.
One day I'd somehow gotten her angry or for some reason she was going to beat me up. (I'm a very fragile person, I have nerve damage down the right side of my body and my right wrist is often in pain because of the texting, I would break if someone tried beating me up) My ex called me, telling me how angry she was. I told him "That's fine, I have friends who know how to protect themselves." He was silent for a few seconds, before saying "IF you or any of your friends TOUCH her, I'll get my friends who are BIGGER than your friends and they'll beat you up." His friends are much bigger than mine, but his girlfriend never showed up at school.
She's since dropped out of school and he's apparently dropped out of his.
I'm now dating the friend that gave me reason to get out of the relationship, it's almost been a year and he treats me like a princess.
But I'm still broken. I have lots of problems, I still can't stop thinking that my 2nd boyfriend was my fault. I know you're meant to forgive people, but how can I? I'm always scared of him. Every time I see someone who looks like him I look twice.
How can I get better?
I'm really sorry this was so long. I cut out a lot. :(
Answer Cassandra, I know you have cut out a lot.
Adolescence is the time we use the social skills we learned at home and school, to find our way alongside others, through friendships, through conflicts, through our nagging questions about who we are.
And as you are learning, what we have learned is not always enough. In the boy girl friendships, or relationships, you realize you must now learn how to define your own space, so you do not feel that the other person is making you do something you do not want to do, like staying up late at nights texting.
You are learning while standing on your feet, as it were; learning while in the thick of things. You are still young. So, ask yourself if you want to be having serial relationships -- with boy number one now; boy number two, next five months; boy number three ... and on and on. Is that what you want?
You could get fed up. More so, you could come to stereotype all boys, so that by the time the person with whom you might have been glad to nurture a relationship that could lead to marriage comes along, you could be boy weary.
This is a time for general friendships. Serious issues that would affect the quality of life you would have as a young adult in a few years, are being talked about right now, by students your age, in many parts of the world. You could form great friendships with other students who are in clubs, groups, committees, addressing issues you and your peers need to be aware of.
Your place in society will be determined by what you have to offer. That is all that would matter. Can Cassandra play a musical instrument? Is Cassandra the girl we could depend on to lead us along the moral high road? Does she keep herself informed? Is she the girl people know would always have something good to say about another? Does she look out for the younger ones? Does she value the advice of older folks? What about her study habits?
It is what you do that would define you. The world would know you; your schoolmates would define you, from how you define yourself.
Right now, your responsibility is to equip your mind, body, and soul, for right conduct, and so hone your interpersonal relationship skills, that if your school is looking for someone they could depend on to represent the school well, they would look at you.
Youth is a time of great insecurity. When mother and father are not always nurturing, children could grow up wondering if anyone would think them important; and if they convince themselves of the lie that they are not good enough they could go to another youngster who feels lousy about self, for a boyfriend, girlfriend relationship, and together try to comfort each other. It does not work. It does not work for adults. It does not work for the youngster.
Love yourself, Cassandra. The boy cries because the child in him (and none of you is far from your childhood days) is in pain. He is not crying because of you, though he might think so, and you might feel so; he is crying for something he missed out on in his relationships at home. What he needs is a Counselor, a parent who would listen, not a girlfriend. He is not emotionally, ready for that. Bit he might not agree with me.
Take your time to grow up. Back off from rushing into adulthood. Back off from stoking conflict in your relationship with others. As one author has said, you have the rest of your life to be an adult; but just a short time left in childhood/adolescence.
Feel free to write again. But, ask your folks to find a Counselor for you. It would be better if you could talk with your Mom or Dad about these things; but if they are not emotionally available, a trusted older person (like a teacher, or church mother), or a Counselor should be able to help.
