Expert: Nafeesah - 10/6/2008

Question
I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years now, we've had our ups and downs, more downs than ups though. I know I'm in an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive relationship.  My boyfriend constantly puts me down, calls me names, says horrible things about me and really just puts down every thing that I am.  When we fight, he blames everything on me and tells me I need to get help and that it's my fault we're not working--even though I feel like I'm the only thing keeping this relationship together.  He is never there for me and refuses to see me a lot of the time.  I'm senior in college and I'm suffering from depression right now because of this relationship, when I tell him I'm depressed and unhappy he just tells me its my own fault and if I wasn't such a ***** all the time then he'd try harder.  I have no friends because I've put so much effort into this relationship and he gets so jealous when I do go out with my girlfriends or even more so when I have guy friends, so I ended up just cutting ties with everyone.  A few months ago he hit me and left me on the side of the road to walk home, I broke up with him and had the support of my family and friends but he came back crying and making promises to get help and that he'd seen how much he'd wronged me.  Clearly those promises weren't kept, it seems that he knows how he treats me deep down, and only acknowledges it when he loses me.  This is supported by the fact that when I don't talk to him for a few days he'll come back and be super sweet and tell me how much he loves me and  treat me good for a day or two.  I live away at school so it's not like I need to move away to get away from him, I just can't seem to break myself of him.  Maybe it's comfort I have no idea..I just don't know what to do anymore.

Answer
When your boyfriend gets to the point of verbally abusing you it's time to leave this relationship. My ex did what your boyfriend did to you and it's like everything was my fault and blamed me for everything he could possibly think of. My ex pulled the same nonsense of calling me excessively saying how he was sorry and how things would get better. Number one I wasnt trying to hear that crap and two what came out of his mouth was BS. It's hard to break yourself from someone who's abusive, but what you have to do is realize that if you stayed things would progress into physical abuse it always does and that it only gets worse over time.

Many women who stay end up an emotional and sometimes a physical wreck because abuse can wear you down mentally, physically, and emotionally. It causes severe depression and other health issues from the stress and anxiety that abuse causes. My ex didnt talk to me for nearly 2 weeks and after that he called me saying he was sorry for what he had said to me it was in reference to my weight and appearance. This also falls in line with a comment he said to me before about how I wasnt his type and yet he had every opportunity to leave, but he stuck around for 5 years.

Now he realizes things after I had left him and the sad thing is nothing he says is actually getting through to me. He sounded really somber over the phone when he saw that ploy wasnt working he tried to manipulate the conversation by saying how he was proud of me for graduating college and finishing a post-graduate program in health care-mind you he was never there for me the entire three years it took me to finish my bachelor's degree, but he was all happy that I was done and in the back of my mind it's like WTH you were never there for me when I was dealing with a lot of things and having to endure a lot of stress along the way since he added on to my stress by staying in trouble with the law.

The people who were there for me were my friends and my family and my ex never at anytime called to see how I was doing or feeling. He only called when he wanted something or to vent about his own life not really thinking about my life. This is what I want you to think about coming from someone who's been there, you deserve better and the only way you'll have better is to really look at the fact that you don't need a man like your ex because him putting you down just makes himself feel better you are not his personal punching bag. You have a lot more to offer someone who's not going to abuse and mistreat you. There's a lot of nice guys out there who are worth getting to know and who are not abusive jerks. My experience in dealing with an emotionally and mentally abusive prick is that they're nothing so they have to make women like you and myself nothing and as they say misery loves company.

You may want to change your phone number and even email address(es) and also to inform those who may have contact with your ex to not give him any information of your new number, email, and other contact information. Also delete him from your myspace or facebook or any social networking sites so he can't contact anyone you know and start saying things that's not true. My ex luckily doesnt remember my email so he'll have no real reason to find out anything on myspace about me.

Your ex is going to have his day to experience what it feels like to be a complete nobody and to see what it's like when someone does not care about him. It is only then that he'll learn what you felt and dealt with while he was abusing you. Tell yourself over and over you deserve better than someone who isnt going to care and respect you.