AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question I have co-habitated with a guy for 10 years now. I have 2 children(their father has since passed away), and we have a 9 year old together. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. Overall, we get along, however I feel no love for him anymore (approx 2 years), and it continues to get worse. We stay together because I feel it's the convenience, I own my house (my name only), and it's the all-American dream/saving face I think that keeps us together, our neighborhood is only two-parent household, although I could make it financially on my own with my kids. He has been disrespectful over the years, always bringing up what he believes to be "my past", and calling me horrid names. I like to enjoy a night out with the girls 1-2 times/month, however he calls relentlessly, and is always "paranoid" of what I am doing, and if I come home late, I was "screwing" someone. I am always nervous of coming home, because he explodes-gets pushy, but I have recently pushed back (not physically), but strongly tell him that I will notify the police if he touches me again. He proceeds by packing, then all of a sudden, it's better again. I know some of his paranoia and insecurity is because he knows that I have less interest in him, however, he is paranoid at everything my 2 teenagers are doing-he is ALWAYS suspicious of what they're doing, what I am doing ect. He calls me throughout the day just to "chat". I have achieved my career goals at becoming a RN, and I feel this threatens him as well. He works in manufacturing. My friends say I just need to go out, and let him get angry, but to tell you the truth, sometimes it's just not worth it. I tell him that I am tired of him treating me like a child, and his response is that he HAS to treat me that way because of the way I act. I never do anything wrong when I do go out with the girls, but he always wants to go out, and says he resents that I would rather go out with them than him-I cannot believe that he really doesn't understand why I wish to go out with them over him-we have nothing in common, and he has eroded my love for him by his disrespect for me. I am tired of him looking for "things" that are not really there, and I want to continue to go out, the answer will not be to discuss with him-he is beyond this, and sad to say, I really don't want to work on recovering this relationship-so do I just go out and suffer the wrath of my return?? I realize this sounds like such a mess, but I would really like to have an impartial response to this issue, it's not so easy just to "end" everything. Am I wrong to want to go out with my friends? At times he really makes me believe I am in the wrong, and I feel guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong. Thank you for your time and assistance.
Answer Dawn,
In reading your message, though realizing you share a child with this man, I kept thinking, 'this marriage seems to be over; why is she staying in it?'
And I believe in marriage. I believe the most dysfunctional marriage can be brought back to a balanced, mutually satisfying relationship. But one of the partners has to be willing to stay and work on self.
All through your letter I sense an unwillingness to even try to empathize with, and learn to love again, this man. And you are economically independent; you have your own house; you have your career. I interpreted all this to mean you were saying you don't need this man; that he brings only stress into your life; that you don't even want to be exposing yourself and your children to all this stress.
But then one of your children is his. She is the only link holding you and your husband together. Further, the children have been together for quite a while. I wonder how they would be affected if you go the way your emotions are pulling you.
Could this be your reason for dropping that bombshell of a statement, "it's not so easy to "end" everything."?
It seems your husband is willing to love you. Am I wrong here? 'Seems he is asking for a chance to spend quality time together. His disrespect won't make it easy for you to give him the reassurance he seems to be asking for. And you may need to tell him this.
He is coming to you with the way his experience taught him to relate. You could help him learn a better way. The time comes, if you are serious about caring for, and nurturing a family, if you are interested in making your home a comfortable, happy place, that you have to assure your husband that he means everything to you; that no relative or friend would come between both of you. But I am not sure you are interested in this. He could change his unpleasant ways if he knows that change would mean acceptance from you.
Why are you shutting the door on a man who seems open to learning to love you? He may not behave as though he is insecure if he feels assured that you love him as he is. With your acceptance of your role as mother and wife, your husband could feel so encouraged he could develop into everything you ever wanted in a man. But you have to be willing to extend yourself; to give him the reassurance he needs. It is not easy for a man to cope with rejection. Not easy for a woman; not easy for a man. Further, it is difficult for him to face the children feeling like he is not good enough for you.
If you would assume responsibility for making this marriage work, you would be lifting stress from yourself, from the children, and from your husband. Your actions could transform your home space into a happy place. And today, children feel safe and thankful when their parents make that space called home a comfortable place for everyone.
Have I understood you correctly? If not, please let me know.
