Expert: Dana Q - 11/18/2008

Question
me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year now. for about 6 months everything was great besides little fights here and there because of some things i did to him. Lately he has been abusing me. He first would just hit me with pillows really hard, then started to kick me, after that he woould do all those things and just push me around. But more recently he chokes me, pulls my hair, hits me in the face, and screams at me. Everyday he calls me bad names like whore and nasty slut. He does all these things because he cant forgive me for my past. He tells me the reason he does this is all my fault. My freshman year of high school 2 years before i even new him, i was not a good girl. I have had sex with 4 guys before my boyfriend. He new about all this before we started dating but now wants to punish me for it. I wont lie i have done bad things in the past like lying to him and going places without tellin him, like parties. That why its like this because what i did in my past. He cant forgive me for anything i do, yet he still wants to be together. I dont know what to do about him. He tells me he will kill me if i tell anyone or if i try and leave him. Everytime i try to leave he threatens me and says im "running away" from the problems. I still love him so much, well i think i do. What should i do about this? Is it my fault?

Answer
Hi Bailey,

Thanks for writing to me.  No, this is absolutely not your fault.  Your boyfriend is abusing you and abuse is never the victim's fault.  You need to get away from this guy before he seriously injures or kills you.  Here are some websites that you might find useful:


Here are some websites about the nature and cycles of abuse that you may find helpful:

National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html   

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

General Info http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Dr. Irene http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

Cycles of Abuse http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effec...

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044/FLUSHCACHE=0&UPDATEAP...

Please read through these websites.  They will help you understand what's going on and why it is so important that you leave this relationship ASAP.

Good Luck,

Dana Q