AboutDana Q Expertise I can give advice regarding emotionally and verbally abusive relationships, including recognizing the warning signs, understanding the psychology of the abuser, getting out of an abusive relationship, and breaking the cycle of abuse.
Experience I am a survivor of an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood. I also was involved in an emotionally and verbally abusive romantic relationship as an adult, a relationship which I ended. I am now happily married to my husband of 4 years, with whom I have a healthy, non-abusive relationship.
Education/Credentials Two B.A. degrees in Literature and French
Question I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months now. When we first started out everything was great. He was everything I wanted in a relationship but after a couple of months, things got rocky. He started to check up on my phone calls, who I was talking to, who I was texting, and when I was doing these things. It wasn't that hard for him to check without me knowing either because we share the same phone bill. We fought almost everyday for that month. It was never anything physical, of course. It was always, why do you need to talk to them? who is this? what were you talking about? etc etc. After a couple of months of fighting almost everyday about the same issues, I threatened to leave him because I couldn't take it anymore. But he always apologized and said he would change. Now into our 6 month, he still checks my instant messages from time to time and still checks my phone. He even gets mad at me for the things I wear because its always "too revealing". Even though I don't consider a v-neck shirt to be revealing. I used to go out with my friends a lot before I met him, and now my days consist of him and my family. He's even threatened by my best friend, who is a girl. He says things like, he doesn't want to share me, he's selfish, hes scared to lose me, and he loves me too much. I keep telling him to stop checking up on me and it's the cause of all our fights. I'm not the type to cheat on someone and everyone knows that. He just can't get it in his head that he can trust me. As sad as it sounds, I love him too much to leave. I keep thinking that maybe this time around he'll change. Usually he'll stick to his word for a few days to a few weeks but then something insignificant happens and it's right back to the old vicious cycle. When I don't have to make a decision for myself, everything is fine. If I don't need to go to class, meet up with group partners, or be with a friend for their birthday, we're fine. But right when we have to do something that involves any of my friends, there's always a fight waiting to happen. I know I'm not doing anything wrong but sometimes I really feel like I am. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Answer Hi Vivian,
Thanks for writing to me. Your boyfriend is showing the classic signs of emotional abuse. Isolating you from your friends, checking up on you, trying to control what you wear, etc. are all major symptoms, as are the constant promises to change that go unfulfilled. You are trapped in the classic cycle of abuse where the abuser promises to change and quickly reverts back to his old routine. Here are some websites that will provide you with more information on emotional abuse and its cycles:
