AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question QUESTION: I'm 20 and my girlfriend is 21. We've been together for over 2 years and are both in college. She's Indian and I'm Irish.
Me and my girlfriend never officially broke up but we didnt talk to each other for a week or so and I kinda ignored her. She was with another guy only a few days after we didnt speak to each other, they kissed and she met him the next day and went back to his. They watched a movie and anyways they started kissing and she then say on him and let him but his hand up her top and rub and grab her breasts.
Needless to say when she told me almost a month later I was really hurt cause but of us had only been with each other previously to this. It really hust me to know she had been with another guy like that.
After she had told me she said she wouldn;t do it again and the next night after she told me she was just with a guy in a nightclub, just kissin and dancin (we were not back together at this point)
She was upset after that night cause she lost her camera and called me to talk to me and said she was with another guy and I was pissed. After that she wanted to see me again.
So anyways, we're back together about 3 weeks and things are ok. Not great but ok.
She says shes happy with me but at the same time shes not. So, we had an argument when I seen her internet history and found she had been checkin out this guy whose in her class ALOT. Its like shes obsessed with lookin at pictures of him. Its prob just boredom but I dont know. Anyways she said that if he asked her to go out with him that she would give him a chance and just tell me we were over, now i think thats extremely harsh and hurtful. We made up but she still says she would give some people a chance.
So now I'm a bit pissed off and dont know what to do. I logged into her facebook account before and I also pretended to txt her as someone else, also I creted a fake account to see if she would flirt with the guy I was pretending to be, now I know these things are very wrong and havent done them in ages, but sometimes I get so curious about her and want to see those things. What can I do??? AM I a prick, do I lack self-asteem.
What should I do about my girlfriend, is she mistreatin me or has what I've done in the past been so wrong that I don't deserve to be forgiven.
I was unbelievably hurt when she told me she was with another guy, and even another one. I feel betrayed to a degree. Hope you can help. Also I think about her alot now again.
Damien
ANSWER: Damien,
Whatever is going on with this girl, obviously she is feeling very insecure. Her moral lapses cannot be attributed just to you. But her problems with her family and herself, she alone can attend to.
Now, what kind of a young man would take all this, and still want to be with the girl? A young man who needs to define the principles by which he would live -- principles to take him through adulthood.
Whatever payoff you get from being in this relationship can never be equated with joy. Honesty, integrity, self-respect -- are traits, which, if developed, would guide your actions and leave you feeling good about yourself.
Life is hell when you are in a tumultuous relationship.
Seems you need to pull away from relationships and attend to your own soul Attend to what alone matters -- your inner balance. Once you are anchored in self-respect, self-love, integrity, and soul honesty, you would be thinking more self-enhancing thoughts, attracting more beautiful people into your company, and creating for yourself more beautiful relationships.
The company you keep can influence your behavior. It's up to you to find company that would empower you to be a successful, well-adjusted, self-confident young man.
I recommend you read what Richard Burney says about Codependent Relationships.
Take time out to understand and know Damien. Become consciously aware of how you feel; the thoughts that contribute to those feelings; and how those thoughts control your behavior -- your conduct.
Think... Think. Think.
Do you need to look at life from a different perspective?
These many hours spent pursuing a relationship, should they be spent better preparing yourself for life?
With what are you filling your waking thoughts? The content of your waking thoughts will take over at nights in your dreams; and be reinforced in your subconscious, which unrelentingly direct your behavior.
You want your life experiences to change? You want a joyful relationship? You can have it, you know. Learn to honor womanhood. Help the girl respect herself. Stop using others for sexual satisfaction. Get to know the person.
Help that person to see worth in herself; help her to know she does not need to offer her body to have a friendship.
Whoever you eventually choose to honor with your name, let her know that after marriage you could have much time to explore each other's body, but right now you could get to know what is important to each other, and how as friends you could join forces to help make life better for some body, or for some community.
The kinds of thoughts you hold in your mind would determine. or at least influence, who you would be attracted to. Change what you focus on in waking hours, and watch your experience change.
You should take time out to read material that would nurture your psychological and spiritual maturity, so when you are ready to date a girl you would want to make your wife, you won't go, with eyes wide open, gathering a whole lot of problems to offload on your future home.
From reading your letter it seems to me you are allowing this young woman to play you for a fool. And you are no fool.
Think, Damien. Think. If Damien does not take care of his life, who would?
Dr. ES
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: AM i really being played the fool? I feel that she is lost
and that I'm not able to help and when I do it sometimes
makes it worst.
She expects me to be there for her every weekend, we have a
long distance relationship you see, but I do try my best
but she will not come to visit me in mu home, with my
family cause she says she doesnt like it and doesnt get on
with them. I would've thought if you love and care for
someone that you would work past those little things
because you will still be getting to see them and spend
time with them.
I would do alot for her, but sometimes she seems very
selfish and blames me alot. I try to explain things to her
but she gets hot headed most of the times and its almost
like she has to "win".
I feel like I'm sometimes the glue that is holding her
together.
Damien
Answer Damien, the young lady has lots of problems, evidently. But being a boyfriend is not the way to help her. You are not equipped to give the kind of help she needs.
You can contribute to her distress by encouraging her to be dependent on you. It is that same dependency that drives her to other men.
If you care about her, perhaps you could contact her parents and convince them to get help for her. The relationship she has with you is not healthy.
If someone is struggling with massive waves out at sea, you would not try to save them unless you know you stand a good chance of getting them out of the turbulence. If you cannot swim, you alert the life guards.
This young lady is very troubled. She, from what you share, is in psychological turbulence. You are not equipped to rescue her. She is latching on to you while struggling with damage to her self-esteem.
She might think she needs you to come to, as a haven of rest, but she is even more agitated when with you.
She is questioning her worth. This in itself is a hellish experience.
The damage done to her mind you might never understand. Get tangled in her life and both of you could crash.
She needs her family and the professionals, to help her.
You do not know what is going on with her.
I don't want to venture any guess, but what is happening with her could be away beyond your ability to help. You could love and care for a person without being their boyfriend. Just being a friend might be all that is necessary. And a friend makes no demands; does not have to have you visit. A true friend allows the other person to be whoever they choose to be.
Why not find a psychotherapist close by, or even a Counselor, and go talk this over with them.
