Expert: David Simonsen - 12/15/2008

Question
I have been married to for 9 years now and from the very first our marriage has been stormy as my husband is very controlling. He has always been angry about everything I did. In anger he has broken things, thrown food and even shoved me around. I have always tried to keep peace by not aggravating him and trying to so as he wants but there is a limit to it. He used to always call me names which has stopped for the last two years as I was one day very upset about it. But it is the silent treatment which has become more predominant now. For months he will not speak to me or even recognize my existence. We had a joint account and he would question me on every penny I spent. Last March I finally took a positive step on my behalf and put my payroll in a separate account. Since then he has been pressurizing me to go back to our joint account set up and since I have been resisting him on this now he has come up with a new idea. He gives no money for running the household. I have one 7 year old daughter and his daughter from earlier marriage stays with us each weekend. I am having to cater to all their needs, buying their clothes, toys, groceries, my gas for the car and all that you can name it. I want to break away but am so confused and feel that if I go away my daughter will be affected after all she loves her Daddy. Nobody outside the immediate family will never know how my husband behaves at home as whenever we have guests over or are with friends and family, he is the epitome of good nature and is always so amusing, polite and considerate. But back home he is totally opposite of it all. How do I pull myself out of this? Should I contact a lawyer? If my husband ever comes to know I am getting in touch with a lawyer he will be very violent about it and I do want to prevent my daughter from witnessing such scenes. I feel kid of stuck in this relationship and need to break free only do not know how to take the first step without him knowing about it.

Answer
Paula,
I think you need to seek out a counselor before a lawyer. The problem is this guy and his anger/security issues. He probably won't want to go to counseling, so I strongly suggest you go yourself. You need to find some long-term strategies. A competent therapist who can meet with you weekly could be helpful.
David
www.help4life.net