Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/29/2008

Question
Iv been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. I have been through ALOT with him (specifically emotional abuse) and its come to a point where I dont want to be stepped on any more, but I just cannot get myself to leave him and then be prepared to deal with what comes after. He had become pretty controlling after about 2 years of our relationship when he found out I had gone out for a quick coffee with a male friend of mine of many years. I should probably mention that before we met, he used to date a lot of girls and so when we just began our relationship he also cheated on me with someone.  I was 16 and he was 18. We didn’t talk for a few weeks but yes I took him back, but ever since then iv become sooo paranoid and have lost soo much self esteem. Over the years he would expect me to ask him to go somewhere...and if he found out I did go somewhere without asking him, he would be really mad, so we used to break up for short periods of time pretty frequently. Now its different, he doesn’t really care where I go but iv changed so much because of his constant control that I personally don’t want to go anywhere because im so used to it. He didn’t like most of the friends I used to hang out with, so I don’t keep in touch with any of them anymore. He has isolated me from almost everything iv in previous times been so interested in that iv become a complete different person.  He doesn’t go out much, and neither do I, so we spend a lot of time together, but he gets mad at me very quickly sometimes and for no reason. And he will say that I need to change because he wants to get married one day and he doesn’t want someone like that. He gets mad if I make a face when im disagreeing with him, or for example we went to the movies the other night and he was checking his phone and made some joke about receiving 10 missed calls from some girls (which is his idea of a joke) and I sort of pinched him (as a joke back with no intention of actually hurting him bc Im not like that), and I guess it hurt so he punched my shoulder back and yelled at me in front of a lot of people. I was so embarrassed to look around so I just kept walking red faced and looking down.  He told me he wants to break up with me now because I can’t take a joke. And instead of saying GREAT YOU DON’T DESERVE ME ANYWAYS…I beg him not to leave me.and I don’t know what is wrong with me. A Part of me wants soo bad to stand up for myself and finally demand some respect but I just cant..I know better but Im so scared of how I will be without him.  When we get along he is my best friend and I love him soo much but sometimes I have to be so careful of what im saying or what im doing around him that it makes me sick to my stomach.  If you can help me figure out what might be wrong with me I would really appreciate it. And would you recommend I go talk to a professional?


Thanks!

Dina


Answer
Dear Dina,
I appreciate how well you have described your situation.  You seem to have a handle on what is going on, but seem to have some issues with actually making the decision to leave.

Yes, I absolutely would encourage you to talk with a professional counselor.  The issues you are dealing with with your boyfriend are definitely abusive, but often what happens with women in these types of relationships has to do with a need to be loved.  Love is as necessary to a human being as air, food or water.  When we look for love, we want the faucet to be turned on full strength and give us enough to fill our hearts to overflowing.  What happens often is we believe we are never going to find that kind of love so we settle for something that looks like it.  Eventually, the faucet gets turned down to where only drips of love are coming out and we begin to live for those drips.  The thought of doing without them is more than we can deal with....so we end up putting up with a lot of bad behavior in order to get what we need.

A counselor can help you work through the issues that keep you connected to this individual and help you believe in yourself again, get your life back and view yourself as a vital, valuable woman.  You are worth more than to be treated like this and life is to short to spend it putting up with bad behavior from others.  

I encourage you to make this new year the start of your healing journey.  You deserve it Dina!

I won't go into a lot of detail here because I think you will find what you need through a counselor.  When you choose a counselor, choose someone you can trust and who you feel comfortable with.  You may have to interview several people, but the effort will pay off in the long run.  You sound like a wise woman and I know you will make good choices given the correct information.

I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss