Expert: Nafeesah - 12/22/2008

Question
My ex husband and I split after 8 years together where he controlled every desicion, undermined and intimidated me - he occasionally became aggressive and threw objects at me and often threatened to take our children away from me. I finally escaped 2 months ago - he has done everything in his power to change - attends AA, anger management and wants us to go to marriage guidance. He rings me or "pops over" most days to "see the kids" but instead involves me in deep discussions about our future. I have told him I don't love him any more but that I admire the changes he has made for the sake of the kids - he just keeps on crying and getting so upset it's too much guilt for me to bear. What should I do?

Answer
Stick to your guns because what you're seeing is a classic case of manipulation since abusive people do this to the person they've hurt. I would continue telling your ex-husband you'll only be civil and speak to him only if it pertains to the children and this means he only calls to talk about them not about what you're doing and if he's made progress so that he can see the kids make sure he's not playing you because all you have to do is go to court to get supervised visits if you feel he won't be safe around your kids. Don't feel guilty he's not your problem to deal with anymore. You left him because he was abusive you don't need to subject yourself and your kids that nonsense anymore. My ex who was emotionally abusive even tried that mess on me and I told him NO when he asked questions about who I was involved with. Avoid those types of questions and keep telling him no and if he threatens you take appropriate measures to stop it. Also you need to set some guidelines as to your ex showing up at your house he has to call first and ONLY if he's coming to see the kids. You have to make him respect your home and if he can't do that then you'll make changes that will reflect that. It's like he's still abusing you by trying to break you down emotionally so you'll give in and let him come back to the house. You broke free already, but make a clean break even if it means having to change your number, and even moving and getting an unpublished address and forwarding mail to another address you can do that with post office boxes that have street addresses instead of some PO Box #####.