Expert: David Simonsen - 12/10/2008

Question
I am 18, my boyfriend is 17.  We have been in a relationship for over 2 1/2 years.  However, I often wonder if some of his behavior is abusive.  He normally very kind, thinks of me, asks me what I want to do when we hang out together, and gives me a lot of freedom.  However, we also tend to get into arguments and this is what bothers me.  It is usually very random when he gets mad, and yes it is usually him that is upset.  When he is angry he calls me a lot of degrating names and tells me that I am why he is so upset, (he doesn't like it when I do this.. etc) We normally make up the next day if not within the hour and appologize and he cheers me up.  These fights are so random and he can get very mean.  He has never hit or attacked me, but he often tries to punish me in these fights (appologies are not worth anything to him anymore, he wants action so he knows that I have changed).  I took a year off after high school for him so we could start college together, something that I do not regret.  But sometimes I just wonder about our relationship.  Some of the things that have made him upset include, not having my cell phone on, me telling him to get over it when I'm away for the weekend, being unable to offer help, and recently my family.  He does not like my family much, and seeing some of there actions as rude.  He doesn't mind when I spend time with them, but really doesn't like it when I go visit relatives.  He claims that he has given up spending time with his family so that he could be with me.  We usually hang out two to three times a week and we talk every day.  I'm just very confused and I really do love him.  Help!

Answer
Suzanne,
I have always thought of dating as a way to gather information. When someone gathers enough information it is then that they need to make a decision. It seems you have gathered enough information to you that brain you have and recognize that this is not a healthy relationship. The problem you seem to be having is that you place more emphasis on the feeling of love rather than the irrational behavior you see. The feeling won't last, but the crazy behavior will. I suggest you shouldn't be in this relationship. You sound co-dependant and thus you probably couldn't imagine not being around him. If this is the best you can do now and you're not married what will life be like when you are? It won't get better.
David
www.help4life.net