Expert: David Simonsen - 12/20/2008

Question
I have lived with roger for 9 yers, and throughout  that time he is anti social, does not like friends and family, lied over sleeping with his wife 7 years ago and a researcher 6 months later. I took him back but out relationship was stormy because of his black mood and intimidating behaviour. He refuses to talk about his day, saying he leaves work at 5pm and does not want totalk about it. He can be very charming has a top job  but can turn very nasty. Over the yesrs I hve cried buckets, but for the last few years I verbally fight back, which he hates but you either get out, go under or fight back, He has now gone off with a work mate, who is single has no other rsponsibilities, no children or elderly parents to worry about and who lives in our village. Si I cant go out as I am frightened of seeing them togethr. He never sees his own children, which devastated me and has no interest in mine.We were about to retire, and had a holiday home we had worked hard one, etc to go to and no money worries. He nows says I look like an old granny,, to which I replied I love being a granny and i say iam proud to be one...im 57 she is 50. I put up with much of his problems beause I love him and am devasted at how at the 11 th hour he could do this t0 me. He says i was jealous and asked too many questions which left him emotionally drained.I said we would go to relate, but he would not go.  Yet I was happy to chatter away to him about my work.He would always look at other women and do double takes in the street and flirt at parties, which i found humiliating. He has written to me and say he wants to talk to me,( always days he ssuggests) but  I have refused unless he goes into therapy and has left that women. Am I right. He wont take anything from the house, which is upsetting me as its all a reminder and says he will  when he is ready.He is already being secretive over her as he has asked me to send his new bank card and statements to his office, rather than her house. When I refused to see him, (although i said he could have come around that afternoon, but i knew he would not as he was with her)he caled me a domineering women, he keeps calling me this now a days as as I stand up to him,.My personality has changed but that is not what I was like when i met him. He has even lied about when his mother died, telling me he was only 12, recenty i found out he  was 23. Why would he lie about that. HE has just started talking to his family after 30 years, but the phone coversations are so false it makes me sick. I need the courage to keep awy from him. Im desperate and wont go outside. Everyone professionally thinks he brilliant,yet he even threw my tiny dog acrss the floor years ago in a temper. Am I right not to see him while he is with her. We came back from a wonderful holiday, when he was great company and within a week he was cold and cruel and a week later i found out about the affair. I cant even eat or sleep.He is 58

Answer
Anne,
You need to get some focus in your life and stay away from this guy. I would suggest first thing Monday you go and find an attorney and see what your options are. This is a sick relationship. Yes you may be able to show some strength, but the fact that you are wanting him back does show your desperation. I also suggest you seek out a co-dependency group. This would be helpful in getting you connected with other people struggling in similar relationships.
David
www.help4life.net