Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/2/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been in a relationship with a woman with two children; I myself have 2 children. in the two years I have known her, she has come close to me then spaces herself. she tells me she needs time to sort out her life. Since she was just divorced when I first met her, I considered that and have given her space. However, alot of roadblocks have come in our way. She decided to involve her narsistic psycho ex (seriously)back in her life which made our relationship go stail. She calls me everyday, and says she misses me and then she wont call for days and keeps her phone off. As soon as things get better and I feel she is getting her confidence back,her ex does something terrible and then she seems to run away from me. I know she had an abusive relationship with him and she has been scared of what he might do in the past, but says she is not scared anymore. however, I feel like I am riding a rollercoaster of emotions with her, every week. I ask her if she loves me and she will answer "what do you think?" or I will say that I think she does not care about me like I do of her, and she will respond" If thats what you think, or why would you think that. She has told me that she knows sometimes she treats me badly or takes her stress out on me, and that she is sorry, but most of the time she is angry. She never was like this when I met her, and I know she is very stressed out, but I do love her and we have talked about getting married. She has avoided me alot lately saying she is very busy, and her life is upside down, however I have done everything, emotionally and financially to keep her on her feet. She does say she appretiates it but I never get anything in return like time invested in me. I am not very selfish so it doesnt bother me too much but is she really on the level here? Is she abusing me mentally? should I give her a chance. After not hearing from her for a couple of days I ran into her at a store but she was very hurried and said she would call me later.(her sister was visiting from U.S. and leaving that day, which I think is true.)

ANSWER: Dear David,
This is certainly a confusing situation and I can see how you might be upset by the mixed signals that are being sent.  Blended relationships are difficult, aren't they?

The questions that you are asking are difficult to answer, simply because relationships are complex and to give you specific answers requires that I know more about the situation than what is provided here.  What I can tell you is that in general, abused women often are afraid of getting into relationships, afraid to commit or reluctant to share about things that trigger them because they may not understand what is happening themselves.  They believe they are strong until something happens to trigger them and then the fears and shame come crashing in again.  Abusive relationships have deep and devastating effects on the victims and without professional help, most women find it difficult to overcome the trauma.

Your description of an emotional roller coaster is very accurate.  Abused women ride that roller coaster and although they dislike it, they find they have little control over it.  Most women who have been abused deal with PTSD, which is why I recommended some professional help.  EMDR therapy has been found to be very effective for PTSD, so if she would choose to engage in therapy, a counselor with this skill would be most helpful.

There is the possibility that her ex husband is threatening her in some way and she is the only one who can do anything about that.  She should check with local law enforcement or her attorney to get advice  on what to do in such a case.  

Emotional abuse is usually defined as someone causing another pain and then ridiculing or criticizing them for feeling that pain.  If you believe that is what is happening to you, then you fall into the category of emotional abuse.  

Should you give her a chance?  Although I have no way of answering that question, I can give you some things to consider.  Unless something new is introduced into the relationship to make a change, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.  You can't try for another person, you can only try for yourself.  If you have more invested in this relationship than she does, (emotionally, financially, etc) that should be a red flag to you.  Another thing to consider is whether a relationship would be able to withstand the interference of an unstable ex-spouse.  He is connected to the relationship until the youngest child reaches 18 years of age and then possibly longer in certain circumstances.  Can the relationship survive under those conditions?  Is there good communication between the two of you, do you trust each other, what inappropriate coping mechanisms are you and she using to cope with problems?  These are things to consider when looking at the strength of a relationship.

If there are issues now that you are finding it difficult to deal with, are both of you willing to enlist professional or pastoral help in order to overcome those issues?  If so, I would encourage you to look for some guidance from a good family counselor who has experience with blended families.  Their expertise might be invaluable to you both.

I hope I have been able to give you some information that you can use in your situation.  I encourage you to deal in reality when making your decisions.  Asking questions is a good way to start and I applaud you for making this first step.  

I wish you well as you make your decisions, for they are difficult ones.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to e-mail me again.  

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: how far should one go to make their kids happy in this situation? Is it right to have the mentality of" no matter what I have to do this for my kids sake" Should an adult give up their own life and happiness, just so their kids can have their father around? Even if the father is proven to be a psycho narccist.
She claims that even though he is a monster he was a good father. How much do we compremise?

Answer
Dear David,
One of the things that can be difficult for people to understand if they have never been the victim of an abuser, is that abused women tend to compartmentalize their lives.  They do this in order to survive.  The reality is that if an abuser is abusing his wife, he will eventually abuse his children.  At the very least, watching the father abuse their mother is as traumatic to the child as being the victim themselves...children do not live in a vacuum in an abusive relationship.  Just like non-smokers who live with smokers can develop lung cancer from secondary smoke even though they didn't smoke themselves, children who live with abusers have secondary trauma by virtue of the fact that they are exposed to it.  Male children grow up watching the unacceptable and inappropriate coping mechanisms that the abuser uses and often times learn to use them themselves.  This is how abuse is passed on from generation to generation.  If the father abuses the mother, the children learn what is acceptable.  Boys learn that it is acceptable to yell, scream, intimidate etc and girls learn that it is useless to have boundaries and that they can't say no, they are powerless to stop aggression, etc.  My question is why you want to subject YOUR children to this kind of life?  You have the choice here to either spend your children's lifetime in a relationship fraught with trauma and problems or not.  I am wondering why you want to voluntarily enter in to a relationship with these kinds of problems.  

Children should not be sacrificed for the happiness of the parent.  However the situation you are describing here has many complexities to it.  It isn't just a matter of deciding, I'm going to have my shot and the children don't matter.  You're dealing with an abused woman and children who have been exposed to that abuse.  Abusers don't necessarily abuse when they feel in control so as long as the children are compliant, the mother may see that as "being a good father", (whether that is true or not) however as the children grow, they become more independent and become more of a threat to the abuser and his behavior will escalate.

The reality here is that no matter who he is or what he is, he is their biological father and he will ALWAYS be their father, good or bad.  Until he does something that is obviously harmful to his children, he will probably be in their lives and yours for a very long time.  The other reality is that the behavior you are seeing now, both hers and his, is not going to change just because you may be married to her and any denial that you are in regarding that reality needs to be considered.  I would recommend you getting the book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, by Susan Forward, PhD.  This book details the relationship you are seeing between your friend and her ex.  It may give you a more clear understanding of what you are and will be dealing with. David, you can't save her...you have to know that.

The other thing to consider here as well is that this woman knows her ex better than anyone.  She knows what he is capable of, she knows what sets him off, she knows his behavior and she knows what she has learned to do to "pacify" him.  Those pacifying behaviors are triggered by his abusive behavior and they most likely will continue whether you are in her life or not, unless she gets help. The claim that 'even though he is a monster, he was a good father' shows the depth of denial that is present here.

If he has been diagnosed as narcissistic and that is not just a descriptive term, you are dealing with someone who has little if any conscience, is probably a master manipulator and most likely feels justified in everything he says and does.  He probably believes he is special and is entitled to special treatment, that people should just go along with what he wants because he knows what is best. "Common folk" just don't measure up to his standards, which means they don't need to be treated with any value, and most everyone falls into that category.  You will also rarely see a narcissist in a counseling office because they don't see that they are wrong, they don't have problems ...everyone else does.  

This is the life you are desiring and are willing to subject your children to. Is there a good enough reason to do this? How do your children feel about what is happening?  Could they survive another broken relationship? I know that is a very hard question to answer and will require some soul searching.  The answer is probably not "because I love her".  

So, I said all that to say this:  the questions you ask are more complicated than giving you a yes or no answer.  The one question that is easy to answer is this: no, it is not appropriate for a parent to throw their children's best interests under the bus for their own self interests. When you are considering a blended family, there should be no losers, it should be a win/win for all involved. However, if I remember correctly, her ex has had a direct impact on how the children feel about you and the relationship you have with them.  To disregard that aspect would be detrimental to the blended family situation.  She could be considering that and deciding that it is too large an obstacle to overcome....and she may be right.   

I know I've given you a lot to think about, but really there is more here than meets the eye.  There isn't anything simple about the situation you are considering, I'm sorry to say.  You sound like a very caring and loyal man and I hope that I have been able to give you good information to be able to make your decisions.  You cannot save this woman, as I've said before, so if you take that out of the equation, what is left is what you have to work with.

If I can be of further assistance David, please feel free to contact me again.  I wish you well as you ponder all these things.  

Blessings,  Kriss