Expert: Nafeesah - 1/2/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been in a relationship with a woman with two children; I myself have 2 children. in the two years I have known her, she has come close to me then spaces herself. she tells me she needs time to sort out her life. Since she was just divorced when I first met her, I considered that and have given her space. However, alot of roadblocks have come in our way. She decided to involve her narsistic psycho ex (seriously)back in her life which made our relationship go stail. She calls me everyday, and says she misses me and then she wont call for days and keeps her phone off. As soon as things get better and I feel she is getting her confidence back,her ex does something terrible and then she seems to run away from me. I know she had an abusive relationship with him and she has been scared of what he might do in the past, but says she is not scared anymore. however, I feel like I am riding a rollercoaster of emotions with her, every week. I ask her if she loves me and she will answer "what do you think?" or I will say that I think she does not care about me like I do of her, and she will respond" If thats what you think, or why would you think that. She has told me that she knows sometimes she treats me badly or takes her stress out on me, and that she is sorry, but most of the time she is angry. She never was like this when I met her, and I know she is very stressed out, but I do love her and we have talked about getting married. She has avoided me alot lately saying she is very busy, and her life is upside down, however I have done everything, emotionally and financially to keep her on her feet. She does say she appretiates it but I never get anything in return like time invested in me. I am not very selfish so it doesnt bother me too much but is she really on the level here? Is she abusing me mentally? should I give her a chance. After not hearing from her for a couple of days I ran into her at a store but she was very hurried and said she would call me later.(her sister was visiting from U.S. and leaving that day, which I think is true.

ANSWER: She just complicated things by involving someone she was once with back in her life. The deal with narcs is that they're good with manipulation and making it seem as if everything you do is your fault and not right. If this guy is mentally unstable what makes her think he's ready to be a productive part of their kids lives? When you're dealing with a victim of an abusive ex who's also narcissistic you're looking at the after effects of the damage. Yet you should not accept someone who's abusive at all levels. You may have to let her go if she's acting aloof and distant you don't want to put your own kids through this if you're considering a future with her.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: how far should one go to make their kids happy in this situation? Is it right to have the mentality of" no matter what I have to do this for my kids sake" Should an adult give up their own life and happiness, just so their kids can have their father around? Even if the father is proven to be a psycho narccist.
She claims that even though he is a monster he was a good father. How much do we compremise?

Answer
You shouldnt give up your life and happiness, but if this man has been abusive since narcs are sadistic in nature. Your girlfriend has to make a decision its the ex or you. The kids don't need to see how abusive their father really is. There's nothing to compromise because abusive personalities are ones you want to get as far away from.