Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/12/2008

Question
Dear Kriss, my bf & I have been together for two years now. Our relationship started online & we live in neighboring countries. @ first, he was the most caring person i've ever met. His constant care & interest made me love him with time & it almost became addictive till we ended up spending more than 10 hours a day chatting or talking on the phone. He came to my country more than once & I went to his. We grew so close 2 each other, but we never talked about our future plans. He always said he needs time & i understood coz he had some issues to deal with first. After 1.5 years he opened up to me & told me that his parents are against our relationship (N.B.His parents don't know me). I broke down @ that point. The thing is he's financially dependent on his father. The man is loaded & he is his only son. He's totally controlling him. I don't know what to do. After my parents heard about this they wanted me 2 leave him, but we both can't let go of each other, although he's not sure all the time. We're both lost. I'm a very patient person & sometimes i feel like he's abusing me. What shall i do? It's so hard for me 2 leave him & every time i try to he comes back & i happily take him back. Help me plz...

Answer
Dear Sevada,  Thank you for being so open about such a sensitive subject.  This must be very difficult for you and I understand how confusing situations like this can be.  

From what I understand, you are still living in separate countries and are continuing your relationship by phone and email.  If I understand you correctly, I can see why this would be a difficult relationship to maintain.  Long distance relationships have their own unique set of problems and many times they fail simply because of the distance factor.  It is hard to maintain a relationship without the person physically being in your presence.  They are not really a part of your life and you can't develop the same kind of growing, supportive relationship that you can with someone who is physically present.

One of the things that helps to develop a successful relationship with a significant other is that the couple has the support of family.  In some cultures, family support and approval means more than in other cultures.  This may be the case with your friend.  If you have to battle family, you may be waging a losing battle.

Another circumstance to consider is that although online relationships give the appearance of being viable, they do not give the participants the opportunity to interact on a personal level.  Online and over the phone, people can be whoever they want to be.  You don't get to see the dishes in the sink, the dirty underwear laying on the floor or the embarrassing burps in public.  Part of being in a relationship is being able to experience the person in their environment and to experience how they react in your environment.  Even though you may have visited each other, it still can be less than the real world experience of living every day life with each other. Most online relationships do not work well once the individuals start living life together as a couple. His family may recognize this and believe that they have to protect their son and it may be a possibility that your family understands this as well.  The reality of long distance relationships is that they are based on the images we have of the other person, rather than on who they really are.

In real world relationships you get the opportunity to see how the other person treats their family, interacts with children, handles their finances, respects themselves and others, what their work ethic is, how they uphold their values, how they handle responsibility, and many other things.  All these things are important to a relationship and can be deal breakers when they fall apart.  If you don't have a solid understanding of people on these levels, relationships are very shallow and usually cannot withstand the problems that life throws at them.  

If your friend is financially dependent on his family, and his family is not in agreement with his relationship decisions, he could be facing a lot of pressure.  This is the kind of pressure that individuals have a very hard time overcoming.  You have to ask yourself if this is a battle you really want to fight.  There seem to be many strikes against your being successful in developing this relationship and when that happens, often it is better to walk away than stay and fight.  

Why is he continuing to pursue a relationship with you that doesn't seem to be going anywhere?  What is the payoff in doing that?  Why do you want to consistently engage in a long distance relationship? Do you both want the same thing out of this relationship?  What are your goals for the future?  If they are not the same, that would be important to know.  These are questions that bring intentions into the light of day.  You need truth in order to make a quality decision.  In reality, Sevada, life is too precious to waste it waiting on someone who may never make a decision to be with you.

I hope this has helped in some way. I encourage you to talk with your family and glean their wisdom as a help in making your decision.  I wish you well as this is a difficult decision to make. Please feel free to contact me again if I can be of further assistance.