Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 12/16/2008

Question
Hi, i am 20 years old i have been married to my husband since July 2007. I am from India and so is he, we went against families wishes and had a love marriage. i sponsored him here and its been almost a year. This past year has been rough. We have so many differences. I belive in horoscopes and me and my husband are the worst compatible partners. We still got married because of love. I have revealed everything about my past relationships before marriage and he agreed to marry me. He has started being abusive physically mentally and emotionally. I think he might have a drinking problem, he drinks every weekend and when i ask him not to he starts a fight which ends up physical and me hurt. i love him dearly and this has been going on since we got married, overtime i go back to him because i always think there is something in me still wants to give another try to our marriage. Both our families have accepted our marriage. I need advise how or what should i do to make him realize his mistakes. I am at my parents house from last 2 days since our last fight ended bad with a cell phone broke into pieces.i know he loves me because he does thing to show me so. I have asked him to go to marriage counseling but he wont agree. I went to get my stuff today and he was home sick, this happens all the time we have a fight and i feel sorry and i go back. Please give me some advise in helping our marriage. Divorce is not an option for me, he never asks for one even after all this, when i ask him for one he says that i can file if i would like. i just want him to realize that all the people we fought against to stay together should not go in vain.

Please help me!

Answer
Dear Avani,

Greetings  and peace.

I  very well  understand your  inner plight. It is painful especially when you  are often  hurt  by your soul  mate.


“…I believe in horoscopes and me and my husband are the worst compatible partners

I  have  no arguments  about your beliefs. But  Psychology  is very clear  as it brings out  through various researches that human  sub-conscious  mind   is  endowed  with  the potentiality to  bring  any  belief in to reality,  if that belief is impressed in  the sub-conscious level. So  now it  is your choice to cling on to horoscope.

“... i love him dearly..”

It is evident that you do so. But the question is does he  loves you as you love him? If yes, how  sure are you?

“..i know he loves me because he does thing to show me so…”

Avani, the fact is,  love in reality and practicality cannot be confined to mind  and heart. Real  love  cannot remain  unexpressed. If any  body’s  love   seem to be  unexpressed  then  we  need to  look  with  eyes  wide open if that is  real love.

Avani, I believe that you must  know  that  love is more e than a emotion. A few of  of  the  important aspects  that is  inseparable  and  contained in real love is the dimension of  selflessness, empathy,  non-judgmental and self sacrifice.

Please do not  mistake me as if I am hinting for a divorce. No never. Any decision  should  come from you.
And any decision taken in this regard  should foster your better  future. At the same time you cannot and  should not  blindly  waste your  life   for some weird emotions that you  perhaps  understand as love.



Before all these  I  highly recommend  you to  do a  proper self - introspection, which I  shall help if  needed.

Study and  become aware boldly

1)   Is this  marriage  based on real love from  both the  side(your and your  husband)?
2)   Is this relation that you share  with  your husband  based on  some  kind of emotion that is named  as love
3)   Is the relation of your husband  to you   based on  some  kind of emotion that is named  as love.Do you  have the  guts to recheck it?
4)   Are you attached to your husband?(attachment is  a negative  state of mind that refuses to accept risks, realities in making decisions. It also  is  a  state of mind that says,  “with out having X , Y, Z, I cannot live”)
5)   Do you  know  why he  drinks? The cause behind his  drinking?
6)   What are the chances of  he  becoming a   non-drinker?
7)   How  sure are you that he  will not become  an alcoholic?
8)   Are you a person of emotions?
9)   How  sure  are you that emotions  and feelings  wont  intervene in your logical and rational mind in  making proper major decisions?
10)Is his drinking related to unsatisfactory sexual life?

It is  not compulsory  that you need to answer the above mentioned  questions to me.The  questions  above  are for your  self-introspection.

Apart from this It will help me if  I know your cultural back ground, the State or district in India that you live in and how many  years  passed since your marriage .

You may also reach me through placladoc@yahoo.co.in

Feel free to  contact me till you get clarity of mind in this regard.

Have  a nice day.

Best wishes,
Dr.Sunu Sundar