AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at hftpproductions@tstt.net.tt.
Currently I am the host and producer of two weekly call-in radio programs. You can access our station online at www.power102fm.com. My programs are:
(1) "Life & Living/Soul to Soul", Wednesdays, 11:00 AM to 12:00 Noon; and
(2) DIALOGUE, Wednesdays 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. DIALOGUE connects our national radio audience with our Trinidad & Tobago/Caribbean Diaspora, and other listeners beyond our shores.
Access Dialogue by going to www.power102fm.com from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM local Trinidad and Tobago time on Wednesday nights. Communicate with callers and studio personnel through our message board; or call any of the four telephone numbers listed: Toronto, London, Miami, and New York. Call through the number nearest you.
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Question QUESTION: Your question was I am writing this mail in the hope probably i get to understand what is going on in my life! Me and my husband married 5 years ago we, had a 4 year old daughter also. Intitally, he was ok, only thing i felt was he was trying to control all the finances, he never let me know what he earned, and also showed his authority over whatever i earned. But slowly things started getting into more problems - when my daughter was born , after 1 year of our marriage , he did not bear any expenses of hospital , and i had to pay everything from my pocket - later he showed bills in office and got the money which he deposited in his own bank account (which he shares with no one). I use to mangae the entire household and bear all expenses and whatever little i could spare he use to snatch from me. He use to check my account to know where and what how much i spent. Around 2.5 years back we moved to USA , (He planned everything and i was not aware of any of his plans of relocation). One fine day i was told , i had to leave everything my job etc and come with him for 3 years. I came to US and then the real nightmare started- i had no job in hand here , so i was on his mercy totally, while coming from my country i had sold my car and got around 5000$ - he opened my bank account here jointly and that money was put in account. If i needed to spend anything i have to take out money from that account. Till date not a single penny was put in that account by him. I struggled a lot and then after 1.5 year i got some temp work (from home). so i started making some petty amount , his tactics did not stop , so he started making excuses to extract that money and he succeeded also, to keep peace in house i gave him the money. He is become very verbally abusive , he drinks and somkes, he will be ok in morning when will go office, when he will come in evening - suddenly i dont know what is going on he will start something or other without any provocation from my side. Few months back i put my foot down and told him i want to go back as 3 years are coming to end. He become more abusive since then, he shouts on me, yells on me , tells me that i am selfish, think about myself, i am liar , marrying me is his biggest mistake, he curses my parents also. I cannot spend even a single dollar from money which is earned by me, forget about what he earns, i have no clue. I am really worried about my and my daughter future. i just want to go back and resume my job so that i can sustain myself and my daughter. pl suggest me how do i deal with this person ! i tried everything , also told his relatives but no help ! he made false promises to them and once he is alone with me his abusive behavior starts, most confusing part is when he is drunk he will talk nice but the day he did not consume alchol he is in foul mood and very abusive towards me.
Regards Madhvi
ANSWER: Madhvi,
Usually alcohol loosens inhibitions, allowing self protective defenses to be lowered; and the real person to be revealed.
It seems that you are married to a scared man, who might want a pleasant relationship with you, but driven by fear, dictates instead.
Looking at your name, Madhvi (Asian, isn't it? Indian?), and considering the extent of disrespect you have been tolerating, makes me wonder if the wife in your culture, is expected to submit to this kind of control from her husband.
Norm or not, your husband's behavior is intolerable to you, and without wanting to be (culturally) offensive, I think that this is what really matters. A woman is a human being. She is important, regardless of cultural perceptions to the contrary. And even though no one else might acknowledge this, you, as a woman, must acknowledge it. You are important as a person. You have a right to celebrate your life; your successes; your ability to earn, and save; and your right to enjoy managing what you have worked for.
If you do not take care of yourself, it seems that no other would be showing up to help take care of you, Madhvi.
You have been allowing all the abuses you complain about. Do you see it this way? You have been behaving like an automaton. He pushes you over there, you stay over there. He says 'pack up', you pack up. He says, 'we are going to America', you say, 'allright'.
What would happen if you tell him you would like to be consulted about matters that concern you and the family and not be dictated to? What would happen if you tell him that you will be managing your income? What would happen? How would you feel being assertive?
You say he was initially okay, yet it seems that he was always controlling finances, to your dismay. So, really, the marriage was never okay. Perhaps you have heard the statement, 'give an inch and they will take a mile'?
You allowed, and your husband took. Is it that he fears his inability to support the family? He seems very dependent on your earning, if not to use on himself solely, certainly to take care of family expenses. The money from the sale of your car is what has been covering your expenses there in the USA, from what you are saying.
The situation will change when you are ready to change the status quo. What are the risks? Count the cost. You are presently paying a very high emotional price to keep him pacified (I am wondering what is going on in your daughter's mind). Is the payoff worth the price?
You say you gave him the little money you earned from part-time work, for peace sake. I ask, what peace? Whose peace? Could it be that you gave him because you are afraid of what your response would be if he resists your attempt to keep your money. I wonder if that is not why you caved in, and gave up your right to your money, your right to not feel needy and cheated. Are you afraid of what your response, or the consequences, would be, if you stand for your right even in the face of his greatest opposition?
But, you seem ready to put your foot down. You plan to return to your homeland. Again, the cultural norms are very important here. Would you feel justified in returning to your homeland with your child? Would you feel that you are in a stronger position to take care of yourself? Or, do you feel you must get his permission, and leave only if he leaves with you?
And if you leave together, are you ready now to manage your own funds regardless of his displeasure, or would you continue with the same old subserviency which earns disrespect and continued control?
Is yours a conflict between your right to pursue your own goals and an allegiance to cultural norms, Madhvi?
About the abuse, if you are being subjected to excessive abuse from your husband, once you are in the United States of America, you can report him. The Social Services folks would intervene. The police would intervene. He would have to shape up (perhaps get counseling) or accept the consequences.
Again, I don't know if your religion and culture dispose the woman to a life of submission and subservience even in the face of abuse. You seem to be standing one place and taking the pushing around. It is almost as though you do not see that you have choices; that you have the power to determine what you would take and what you would not take. It seems that the more you allow, the more your husband grabs and controls. The extent of his control seems to be in direct correlation to the degree of your passivity or display of helplessness.
As I said initially, your husband must be very scared; must be feeling very vulnerable and inadequate. He is feeding off your strength; off the strength of your submission; off the strength of your earning power. This is emotional parasitism; financial exploitation. And you are allowing it, all of it. It is not so much about what your husband is saying and doing, as it is about what you are allowing.
Dr. ES
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you very much! I wrote to you because i needed some stregth to overcome all this which i am enduring all alone for long time, thinking that sepration would cause spoling my daughter life as well as if god forbid if he tries to snatch away custody of my daughter from me if i go for legal sepration ( i cannot live without her both of us are emotionally dependent on each other)
I am an indian you are right , i decided to go back because there i have my job (i did not give my resignation before i came here), and i have my father there and once i go back i have lot of other people to support me and i am seriously thinking of leaving this person now. I want to start my life fresh and want to stay with my daughter and not with him. Since i decided to go back he is threatning me in different ways ,and i am really scared , i just want to go back from here. Just please tell me how do i handle the situation till i am here (another 2 weeks) because for me these two weeks are much tougher than last 3 years for me.
Regards
Madhvi
Answer Mahdvi, I am so sorry. I saw your original letter back on my site, but did not realize that you had written a follow-up below.
Go to the police. Tell them your fears. Let them help you be safe. They can even put you in a safe place, or put you on to the Social Services people. It is important that you lodge a complaint in case your husband tries to get custody of your child, or in case he tries so some ruse to stop you from leaving the country. Let me know what happens.
